The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I get treated like crap this weekend by this Abf. Today I get the "sorry" email. Then he phones me and starts a fight. WTH?? Tells me that as soon as I change, by making him dinners (he wants a 1950's relationship), then he will change. If I do it first to prove my love or whatever, then he will consider quitting the pot.
To me, I am dealing with insanity here. I need to end this relationship and everytime I do, I end up getting drawn back in. Of course his email later, has to include - "if you want to CALL me and be positive, then I will talk to you. Always leaves the door open and if I don't call, he will end up eventually calling me.
They are will gone rampant, when they have to binge and drink nothing will stop them and then they have to throw it back on you to justify to themselves what they are doing.
In the beginning of our marriage , I always felt guilty, thought I wasnt a good wife and was always apologizing. Til I caught on, that was even before Alanon.
I cant give you advise on whether to end your relationship, that is up to you. I do recommend making stricter boundaries for yourself and sticking to them . In looking back over my relationship with the A, in the beginning I never stuck to the boundaries and even though it is difficult to inforce those boundaries with an addict , you have to do it for your own sanity, because they are insane. Whatever you decide, bring the focus back on you. For your life is important. Keep coming back because this program works. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of November 2010 12:17:07 PM
Totally manipulative A behavior. When you do this I'll do that. No if he is serious about recovery it is not a negotiation. Either he wants recovery or he doesn't plain and simple. I have known A's who have found recovery while living in a cardboard box, for themselves not for anyone else. He has to change for himself not because of what you can or will do for him if he gets sober. All you can control is your own recovery and I suggest that, that is where you put all your efforts. You aren't going to change your bf one bit, I don't care if you become June Cleaver ( Leave it to beaver show of the 50's) Help yourself and leave your bf to make his own decisions. Remember you don't have to pick up the phone when he rings you up, you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior walk away and you do not have to join in every arguement you are invited too. These were hard lessons I had to learn with my own son. Put the focus back on you and your recovery Blessings
He can try to make you responsible for his personal growth, recovery and choices and you can choose to accept that or not.
I have really started implementing just ignoring the situation. The other thing I do is just say "Thanks for sharing your feelings and or preferences with me" and leave it at that.
I don't have to answer the phone or the email past one time. I don't have to keep talking about the same things over and over. I can take some time to think it over first. I can decide today that I do not have to make a decision about the situation yet. I can say that I would like to discuss it later when I have had some time to process what works for me. I can say just thank you and leave it at that.
I don't have to get sucked into the fight. I can do whatever I want. I think often about how I am going to handle the next issue that arises. I practice my responses and write down my one liners. When he is being irrational I remember that the disease is talking and refuse to answer it or bargain with it.
In working the program it does get better. I have noticed a significant improvement in just a week since working the program as often as I am.
Yup - no sense in trying to make sense out of something that is simply insane. My exAH told me, after cheating on me, that he cheated to see if I would stay with him no matter what. It was a test of my love and loyalty. Whaaa? Yeah, INSANE.
The only thing we can change is ourself. If someone else wants to change, they will do so regardless of our actions. If they don't want to change, nothing we do can make them.
In Alanon I learned that I did not have to attend every fight to which I was invited. I learned that I did not have to respond to emails, texts, or phone calls right away - or even at all if I did not want to. I also learned that trying to act in a way that would make an insane situation seem rational kept me sick.
Wow! I really appreciate all of the comments and knowledge.
Over and over is the thing. He can't understand me or hear me. I quit trying.
I like the list idea. In my past journaling, I never made it to the pro side lol. My therapist, who I see today thank goodness, is always asking me what I am getting out of it and I can never have an answer.
And yes, I am tired of the guilt and questioning myself. And he does constantly change the topic to something I did or said. And I have been baited into the arguments.
I love the negotiation bit. And I actually asked how many dinners I would need to cook for him to find the love lol. You are right xeno, it wouldn't make a difference.
Basically you are all telling me to get back with the program and put the focus back on me. That is the best advice of all, as I have lost sight of that and put the focus back on him.
Thank you all, it means a lot that you have taken the time to respond with caring.
Aloha Member...after a while we come to the realization that our recovery is all about how we respond and nothing to do with what they do. Total responsibility for and of self. That really is what it is supposed to be.
Get your cell phone and see if you have the "off" or "delete" option. Mine does and I figure both are there so I can use them and when I do the person on the other side doesn't feel it when I press the button. I get to feel peace of mind and serenity.
Then go to a meeting and ask how do I kill my curiosity and suspicion so that I don't drag myself back behind the door of insanity? Listen for the responses and take what you like and leave the rest for later.
Very good with the cell phone bit. I have blocked the numbers in the past, but I need to prove to myself that I no longer need to do that. That if I don't want to answer I don't have to. Delete sounds pretty good.
I have to stay strong and stick with helping myself. I let that go when things were good. Hope I learned from that.
I haven't had a meeting yet where they have had a discussion like that. The three that I have been to are about the steps or something. I would really like some open discussion. I am going to try a new location tomorrow night, if I dare lol. See what they are up to.
My help back is to say you just answered yourself! You have had enough. So when we have enough, we stop the insanity!
(c: The phone does not have to be answered. It is ok for you to take a break. I used to do a day at a time then two then on and on then it didn't hurt so much to stay away.
How dare anyone say if you do this, I will do that. geez my daughter pulled that in first grade with one of her friends!
My me says, love/like me as I am or you don't get to be around me. If you don't like me as is, then there is the door. NOT in a mean way, but I need to be secure in knowing people are with me for me, not for what they can get out of me.
I have shared I said this to AH every once in awhile. I gave him plenty of space to not get married. But he was sure. Being in recovery, I wanted him to make sure he was ready and really knew and loved me.
He knew my passion for animals. Many people who have them do not keep their houses real clean.
One time I said, something about how I love a clean tidy house. He said he was pleasantly surprised when he realized this after we were married. My point is, he loved me even though I had a passion for animals, loved me becuz I do.
Being tidy was gravy.
You are so correct. We do need to love the me that we are. need to take care of the body we are blessed with no matter what it is. When we are emotionally hurt, mt, tired, we need to build it back up.
Like coming here. I cannot tell you lady how much better I feel after opening up here and reading all the wonderful responses I am getting. Each one has something so valuable in it.
I invite you to look at YOU. You are special, we all have innate things about us no one else has. I figure I will love the me I was given. If someone else loves/likes her great. If not,that is ok and I will not change for them or make them dinner unless I want to!
Give me a break. lol never heard that one, I will stop smoking pot if you make me dinner????? lol
giggle. hugs,debilyn who believes being with out a mate for awhile is better than putting up with someone who does not love me for me.
You really made me laugh debilyn. What he said IS laughable. First grade LOL.
I hope I can learn to be as strong as you as far as being without a mate rather than being miserable with one. This is the biggest obstacle I am facing. I get stronger everytime and I know I can beat this addiction. My love, or some facsimile thereof, addiction.
I learned today in therapy that I was taught as a child to live in chaos and that is why I am staying in this chaotic relationship. Because it is familiar. I guess I will have to grow up and not be afraid to explore the unfamiliar. I know I can do it, it's just the getting there...
922, I have learned to live in chaos too. I learned to let my denial rule and I learned to participate in my own abuse... Denial protected me from pain, but it made me blind to my own true feelings. My needs, myself... I am beginning to recover. Take care of you :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Lol, I cook dinner for ABF quite often, and he still smokes pot.
We won't live together unless he gives it up, and that's MY boundary. Firm and non-negotiable. It's his choice to continue to use it.
I find that having a good sense of where my boundaries are helps me to avoid the insanity -- I just stick to the line I've drawn, communicate it clearly, and ignore all the nonsense that he throws at me trying to wiggle the line.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
