The material presented
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level.
So last night with the STBXabf lol. He starts contradicting everything he ever said to me about "straightening up his act" and replaces it with "nobody is going to tell me what to do".
I wasn't planning on having this conversation with him for another month or so to see how he progressed. For legal reasons, he may have to pass a drug test to be able to be around my kids. Long story. He started the conversation (argument) himself. I told him that my line is drawn there. If he can't pass a drug test, whether he has to or not, then we have no future, bottom line. It is true, that is the way it is. Oh, then he says if it is ordered, then we wait 30 days to take it. That looks great, no? To me, pathetic.
So thats where the, nobody is going to run my life, I only do it a little, I have money and work hard so there is no reason I can't smoke. I say fine, that's your choice and I have made mine. He accuses me of ultimatums. If that's what he wants to call it fine. To me it's a wise decision that there is no bending on. I told him there is no future in this and he gets pissed at me yelling that it's over only because he won't do what I want him to. Duh, there are plenty of people he can find with his own interests. If we can't work it together, then so be it.
Then he starts in on the group. How its for husbands that spend all the money, beat their wives, don't work... I explained that isn't what it's about. More ignorance.
There is no reasoning with this guy. I have tried over and over and over and over. He has had a longer relationship with smoke than he has had with me. If that wins, it wins. I can't change him, nor do I want to. Just causes resentment. Mind your own business, right??
Sorry had to get this ridiculous situation out. I didn't get angry or upset about it. Just stuck to my facts AND my guns. And yes, this is one boundary there is no bending on.
This situation, ridiculous or not, has a lot of resonance during my marriage, separation, and divorced.
My exha suddenly (zero to 90 flat!) flips from one extreme to the next- nice to angry and threatening... working his program to arrogantly doing whatever he pleases, legal or not.
It becomes clearer and clearer to me that it is all about however the disease can sustain itself and grow in that moment. That is the only sense I can make of it. I have come to believe that the disease is bigger than the both of us.
I'm glad you didn't get angry or upset and stick to the facts and your program.
Thanks bud. You hit it right on the head. Arrogance runs huge here. And the disease IS bigger. I am finally getting to that realization. It's really hard for me to understand how somebody picks a substance over people. But you know what? I used to struggle with my own substances and I have never felt better kicking that crap to the curb. Life on it's own is so much more beautiful sober. So I guess I have known all along and never looked it from the outside.
Understanding came easier for me when I learned (thank you sponsorship) that there is a difference between my alcoholic wife and the woman I wanted in my life. I had to recognize the difference and then accept which one was there at the time I was so I could respond appropriately so that I wouldn't get as sick or sicker than the alcoholic wife was.
I stopped fighting at all over anything. If I didn't like the process I was told I could not participate and because I could choose my consequences I choose peace of mind and serenity. What she went thru as a result was none of my business. I was never ever able to "one up" the disease. I don't even think about doing that anymore with another drunk.
After I read this, I wondered, have you ever said, no it is not an ultimatum. It is how i want my kids and my life to be. It is not personal. I don't want drinking or smoking from anyone!!
I do my best to refrain from using the work YOU. That has helped me a lot.
HOn I remember when A started coming around to us marrying and being married. I had been along a long time, grew up, became self actualized.
I often said to him, I am who I am, I need to have this in my life. IF it is not comfy for you, then it is very ok. I want someone who loves me and wants me for ME.
We state and live our chosen lifestyles, we have our own limits, we have our own desires and boundariers. We want to be loved and wanted for who we are.
If he does not respect these things from you, then ok then you don't want me. It is very ok.
Does not mean it won't hurt. But it is worse to have to go thru the stuff you are now.
It is NOT personal. These are your boundaries with anyone! It is what makes you, you.
So if he uses, smokes whatever, and wants to do it all the time, then they are HIS boundaries. His choice in how he wants to live.
If you cannot accept that, then you move on. We cannot change anyone, they cannot change us. I know you know this, just sharing here.
It may be you guys are not going to gel.
My A smoked outside. Then he quit. But I appreciated he did smoke outside and not around me. He was respectful.
He had times he would go into his shop, listen to the radio and have his time with HP and face his one day choice at a time, today I choose not to use.
I never bothered him, he needed his time. I was not upset we missed bf together or were late to something. It was HIS thing. I loved him for it.
I am a free spirit, spontanious, ready to go. I look at things in different ways.
AH was tunnel visioned, routine, did not like to just go. He had one way of seeing things. But for him in recovery, that helped him to do his program.
Hope things get figured out. PLEASE, we want everyone to keep sharing! We welcome each other.
Thanks Jerry F. It is about facing our own conseqences. Both of he and I. You are right, peace of mind and serenity. We all need that. Thanks for the hugs as well. I need them lol.
Oh lyndebi. Thanks for all of your insight. You reinforce the way I am thinking. I need that. And you are right, they are MY boundaries. I am just as much allowed to have them as he does. It is so right. I have suffered so long with this relationship, put up with months of unhappiness, tried to be or do everything he wanted, so much time invested. I am exhausted. The mourning won't last forever, but this lifestyle will.
It's not even his habits that are so bad. It's the way he treats me. The way that he puts me down and says that I will never find anybody. He hurts me over and over and I let him, not so much anymore but he tries. So what? If I'm alone forever, it's better than this. Thanks for the hugs.
Thanks you guys. I have no idea what I would do without you. Really. I cry when I think of it.
-- Edited by member922 on Sunday 28th of November 2010 06:47:39 PM
You are expecting reasonable and logical thinking and behavior from an illogical disease. It is like that old saying the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. He has told you the truth...he will stop using when and if he is ready...you are completly powerless over his decisions. Ultimatiums are the fastest way for you to reach disappointment and resentments...I know this to be true as I tried it for years. Weather you are talking to your bf sober or high please always remember you are talking to his disease, not him. Once I surrendered to that fact I was able to learn to detach my son as a person from his disease. I had to accept him for exactly what he was and that was an addict. Then the next step after that was believeing only what I was seeing or feeling in my gut because sober or high everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. I no longer needed him to validate what I was seeing and I no longer had to argue his disease with him. While it still breaks my heart everyday, I had to accept my son for better or worse. There is no divorcing a child. But thier are boundaries and there is behavior that I now refuse to accpet in my home. All I can control is myself and my behaviors. Always remember your recovery can very well aide in the recovery of others Blessings
