The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things are much more relaxed now in our home. I am just busying myself with my program and looking after myself.
My one issue that still remains is if it is wise for his smoking money to come out of the family budget. After taking the budget back in hand there is not much left for the month of December. January will be fine.
If my A does not have cigarettes he is completely out of control. He will be verbally abusive, try to pick fights, deliberately twist facts so I can try to "convince" him of the real facts, put me down, blame, justify, minimize, exaggerate, lie, intimidate, accuse me of controlling him and follow me around to badger me.
We really can't afford the budget for him smoking in December. I just don't know what to do in this area. I calmly told him last night when he ran out of smokes and wanted to go get some how I feel about the abuse and chaos that he presents when he does not have cigarettes. He gave me no response at all, went to get the smokes and that is where it is left.
I don't really want to scrimp on Christmas for our son, or our bills.
I also don't want to live like described above. I realize his tactics are working. I feel like I have everyone suffer financially or emotionally.
I bought a pizza last week and he is all over that. He will point out anything good I do for myself or our son and say that we are spending money frivolously so there is no reason he should not have cigarettes. We do that on occasion, not daily thought.
When we each receive our own spending money he is willing to put all of his towards cigarettes. I don't care what he does with his. I am just worried about the next month when we really don't have the budget for our own spending money.
Does he work and contribute to the household?? Also, if he quit smoking, he might go back to drinking...I say treat one addiction at a time. Awfully difficult to give up two things at one time.
Also if things are that tight for you money wise, there are church's that will donate you toys and games for your children. My sister in law did that one year when my brother was out of work. Just a suggestion.
I think him smoking is a real issue for you and the abuse isnt worth it.
I just talked with my old sponsor about it. My serenity and personal sanity is what is important here when I really look at it. I have decided to provide his personal budget for cigarettes and cut out something else. I am not sure what that will be as he has just created 1500 in bills recently that have to be paid and my business still needs to be run. I will have to be creative.
He isn't about to give up smoking and will create chaos until he get's cigarettes. When he is chaotic he is not working his program, he is concentrating on controlling the situation to get his cigarettes. If I really want things to get better I can do my best to create a situation where he focuses on himself and his program instead of how to create enough chaos to get cigarettes.
He doesn't work right now and will only get a job doing the same thing he did before with circumstances present that threaten me in many ways.
He is fighting for our circumstances to be in his favor in every way. I have decided not to fight with him.
I am off to do volunteer work at my church and then take my turn on the Al-anon phone lines. It is very helpful for me to be doing service. It's hard for me to forget my program when I am giving it away to others.
It's hard to kick the habit, but sometimes we have to sacrifice for more important things. Maybe he can't see what is important.
I don't have any solutions, but to keep working your program for you. And thank you for helping others. Shows what a good person you are. Don't ever lose sight of that.
I just took the leap. I let him know the fight is over and I will not be fighting with him anymore about this. If we are going to go without utilities over this then so be it. I run my own business out of my home and that is where we earn 85% of our income from. I am stressed about not having money to pay the utilites but I am going to try to work it out until then. January is a much better month and February is even better financially. I just have to work out December. I have let him know his cigarette money will be email transfered to him on payday along with the gas money he wants.
I just email transferred the last twenty dollars we have to him to get his cigarettes until payday. When our son asks why there is no milk for his cearel in the morning I guess I am not sure how to handle that.
I am not poor by any means and do not qualify for any assistance so that is out. I make lots of money actually, it is just spent on what he wants.
I still have my interact card and his visa card off my visa account and he is not getting that. I have let him know once the transfer is done I do not want to hear about money anymore for the month.
I really don't have it bad though as after this hard month I will be back on track financially even with giving him his share.
I am nervous and a bit stressed right now as this is a first for me but getting through it.
Clep I have heard from people that cigarettes are worse to quit then heroin.
I mentioned this before.
Would he be ok with buying bags of tobacco, the roller and you can get the what, tubes with filters too? It is SO much cheaper. It would get him thru December and it could be a compromise between you.
Sure would stop the withdrawals he is going thru.
I know if it were me, this is what I would do. And I actually did buy my AH this stuff. Less harmful chemicals in it too I was told.
I don't know what he is going to do or how he is going to handle the money. I feel it is best to just give him the money he needs for a month of cigarettes. He might just buy tubes and tobacco, but I am out of compromising or discussing this completely now. Discussion about it leads to chaos in our home and for me. I don't want that anymore. I feel very good making that decision. He has brought up the tubes as the 150 he feels he can live with will probably steer him more in that direction anyways as his cigarettes are actually about 300 a month.
I have gone through much worse than this and I will get past this too. I have a couple of days to shift the bills around and try to make it work. I can do this.
Aloha Clep...you paint a keen picture of addiction raging and raising it's ugly head. If you inventory it, it seems clear that you are the only one attempting to cure the problem. You are trying to be responsible without his participation. You are stressed about not having money for the utilities and more stressed about not giving him the money for his cigarettes. Make that booze and this becomes alcoholism in it's finest form. Denying your son cereal mild so your addicted partner can have his drug of choice is not a good picture from my past. I won't go into how much money I spent keeping the alcoholic/addict wife under the influence and had I the program before that time I would have done something different rather than deal with the consequences. Did I loose everything? e v e r y t h i n g...when I could have done something else.
Yes it is frightening and hard and consider you are already dealing with the consequences. Has it gotten worse over time? The disease of addiction is progressive...always gets worse never better. Budget for milk and utilities and? first. If he gets out of hand as a result? call the RMCP and let them conference with him...or the judge.
This is such a clear picture of addiction taking over a family life. (((hugs)))
I am a smoker, and have family/friends in recovery, I am not a very good advocate of Alanon, did well for several years, then the politics got to me and I gave up, except for online.
You sound sanctimonious to me, also, think you using the cigarettes as a last resort of control. It is actually terrifying when the a gives up the booze and gets some recovery, my A was sober for nearly 2 years before I realised I too had a problem.
Bet you spend a few bob on yourself, maybe a chocolate bar or two? Maybe one of those hugely expensive (but somehow OK) Cafe Lattes?
The saddest things I have heard in the alanon rooms are the times when the A gets sober and gives up on the long enduring co dependent - just a thought, maybe you are part of the problem? You can not solve it, trust me, I tried for years.... take care of you.
Thanks Jerry for your well meaning words. The situation has worked out so far and I am grateful I made the decision that I did. Thank you for all of your support and words of wisdom.
