The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'm very thankful that mine was good this year - my AH was still actively drinking for the past 2 years. So, it was nice to be able to have a "normal" Thanksgiving this year. :)
My question is this: does anyone else have difficulty stepparenting a child of a recovering A? Both of his parents are "guilt parents," I think partially because of the divorce and because of my husband's drinking and inconsistent parenting. I know that's why my AH feels guilty - he's been drunk for the most part for the past 3 years or so off and on, and in and out of his son's life. There is no discipline, and my 6 yr old stepson is very much a spoiled brat. I don't have any children of my own.
It's really hard for me when he is with us because it drives me nuts the way my husband just let's him do whatever he wants, he has to negotiate and bargain with the kid to get him to do anything, constantly coddles him, he even sleeps in the bed with him when he is here. I sleep alone.
For the most part, I keep hands off when it comes to discipline with him. I have finally started to say something when my stepson constantly interrupts my husband and I when we are talking. He does that all of the time. Every time my husband and I start talking, he interrupts. And, my AH lets him.
My AH gets very defensive when I say something about his son - how he needs some discipline and structure. I'm sorry, but a 6 year old kid is not going to be the boss of me. My husband acknowledges that there are issues, but he really is not doing anything to change the situation.
I'm so frustrated by this whole situation. I hate to say it, but, I actually dread it when I know my stepson is coming over. I really feel bad that I feel that way, but, I feel even worse that my AH knows that's how I feel. I just wish he would stop being the kid's friend and be his father. Hopefully he'll get to a point where he can let the guilt go, and be able to see that he is really not doing his son any favors by letting him rule the roost.
It is difficult - one of the most difficult things for me in my relationship. Looking back I wish I had stayed out of it. Their relationship is their relationship. My butting in led to my divorce. Now, that said, I have always set my own boundaries with my step children or any other children, and expected adults to do the same with my daughter. If it has to do directly with that adult and a child, it is up to that adult to control what they allow.
So, your AH sleeping with his son. I would stay out of it, none of your business.
Your stepson interrupting YOUR conversations - I would find a way to calmly communicate that this is not ok with YOU and find a way to enforce that boundary. If you get up and calmly walk away - you will be sending a clear message to the boy and your AH. No anger - just intolerance of that behavior. Every single time.
Remember, you can always express how you feel using "I" messages, that works better than "You" messages. But just a little tidbit here . . . my exA felt it appropriate to give me parenting advice when he didn't have any children. It is really difficult to give advice on something you have no experience with. If the child is doing things to irritate you directly - then it is up to you to resolve it. Anything else is out of your control.
One of the best pieces of advice my Dad gave me when my daughter was born was "Be consistent". Another words - hold your boundaries.
My experience is that a 6 year old is not doing things maliciously, but misbehaving because they CAN. If you hold your personal boundaries with LOVE and CONSISTENCY, you will be saving yourself some sanity and teaching a very valuable lesson. A child knows clearly what they are allowed to do with each individual and acts accordingly.
I can tell you from much experience . . . anger, frustration and impatience are the wrong reaction here. I tried it. Didn't feel good for me and ended in really bad results with everyone else.
Just my take. The subject of parenting is a touchy one. Sorry this turned out to be direct advice - it started just as my own experience and quickly turned into a VERY long, tedious post.
Step parenting is beyond difficult. I have a step son ( now grown) my husband, his dad nor I are A's but the kid was uncontrollable at times and everyone gave into him. His bio mom was a total whack job. We ended up with custody of him when he was 3 yrs old and he was already calling the shots. All I can tell you is I did ALL the WRONG things. That will all be have to be added to my ammends list lol. If we were driving and got on the freeway my stepson would throw a screaming fit until my husband would get off the freeway and take side streets thats how in control this 3 yr old was. He had NEVER slept alone and when it was bedtime for him everyone had to go to bed. I am not a fan of a 7pm bedtime lol. Again doing all the wrong things I had a list of unacceptable behaviors and I was the disiplinarian, my husband just couldn't/wouldn't do it. His mindset being that if he disiplined the child he wouldn't like him anymore. So I set the boundaries and consequenses First of all I wasn't going to bed at 7pm and as a newlywed certainly wasn't sharing my bed everynight with a 3 yr old. It tooks months and months of me leading him back to his room at bedtime and getting up several times a night to put him back in his own bed when he would come sneak into our bed. Needless to say I was tired, I had to put up with the tantrums it was exausting to say the least. But in the beginning those were the 2 first things I tackled. Then came his behavioral outbursts when he didn't get his way. It was off to time out...no matter how many times I had to put him there. We actually after 2 years of pleading with my husband got him into therapy...they diagonsed him with detachment disorder and defiant disorder. My husband used to work the night shift and after he would leave for work his then wife would put thier son in his crib and go out and party the night away ( told ya whack job). So he never bonded with his mother and i beleive my husband tried so hard to make up for that. I now know I shouldn't have been doing the disipline at all but no way a kid was going to run my life. My husband got better with the disipline and following through when our children were born. I think ( and I know your husband gets defensive) sitting down with your husband and coming up with a set of rules the child must follow in your home and the consequenses if he doesn't follow the rules. Again when I did this my husband wasn't angry at me but his whole family were all telling him not to listen to me or the child would have been in therapy from the get go. Let your husband know that you love your step son but that children need boundaries...they scream for it and it is part of parenting. it may take a while to get him to come around but as he sees it is working and life can be more peacful he will stop fighting it. I wish you well, i really do cause I know exactly what you are going through Blessings
