Please help me... how do you QTIP????? - Al-Anon Family Group

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Please help me... how do you QTIP?????

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I still struggle with this sometimes. I, too, grew up with abuse and alcoholism. I took everything personally - how else would I take it? Now, I just keep reminding myself that everything that happens in the world is NOT all about me. I remind myself that I am not so powerful that someone else's life revolves around doing stuff TO me. In fact, nobody does stuff TO me - they just DO stuff, and then my mind puts the "TO ME" on it. Nobody gets up in the morning and thinks, "Hmmm ... how can I make Summer's life a living hell today!??" and then acts accordingly. My mind wants to think they do that, but the truth is that they don't. I have to consciously redirect my thought process to be "when other people act badly, they act badly because they are sick - hurt people hurt people" instead of "how could ___ do this TO ME, after all I've done for him!"

I guess the short answer for me would be conscious redirection. It takes time to realize when you're doing it, but the more you practice the shorter the time frame between when you recognize the old thought patterns and the time frame that your grown up recovery self can nip the negative feelings in the bud.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Summer for your share :) I really get that part that you said about no one waking up and asking how they can make my life a living hell today... LOL... humor and laughter is good :) Thanks ;)

mjhyankees · Senior Member

boy, I just realized that I take everything personally!!!!! Everytime something goes wrong I feel singled out, it only happens to me....etc.

Certainly reminding myself that it's not true will help....and being able to talk about how I feel. Sometimes when I try to explain to my therapist that I'm screwed all the time, it can sound pretty ridiculous even to me! I need to hear my voice out loud to really put it into perspective.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

That makes sense MJ. When I tell my sponsor stuff, I kind of sound silly when I realize its me taking stuff personally... Thats a good idea, to keep talking about it with someone in program or a therapist... :) Thanks!

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

((( sunny ))) The same ESH u put on my thread (think i need to) is the same thing I would say to you with this one. It is a process of understadning some things all working together in concert - I am powerless to change others; as a child, I did not desere to be in the adult situations and issues I was exposed to, that is a form of exploitation- that right there, is what set me up to be codependent - we are anticipating adult's needs while we learn to ignroe our own. We get blamed and/or the manipualtive dynamic allows to be in that position, the position to be manipulated and manipualte-able.

As u foucs on you and work the other side of that coin, the (loving) emotional detachment, allow that to be your reminder to not take it personally.
   It is the victim that takes the abuse and then internalizes it and believes what they are told, that they caused this somehow. As you love and honor and respect you (thru working boundaries/consequences and thru the forgiveness work, as it comes up) you will continue to grow and see how it is all affected and how it is a choice. You do not have to accept the lies and that anything was your responsibility.
   Most acoa's dont get to have a childhood, we raise ourselves. We are in adult situations/circumstances - say they scream about each other, the kid is part of those adults and it is tragic and become internalized when we hear our parent is "bad" or any negative comments about them - we own it and assume we are bad in that way too. We judge ourselves bc that is what we learned.

Keep saying it as a mantra, focus on you, QTIP, detach with love. It will take time for you to erradicate what is in your inner dialogues - how u feed yourself from the inside. Mine was very negative and hurtful, I did like white rabbit said, "with conscious re direction". Catch u being cruel to you and say, I dont deserve that - I am a precious child of light/HP. We all want to be loved and need to be acknowledged. You can get that need, of acknowldegement met right here and within you.

As u stop looking out and remind you u dont run the universe and u cannot be to blame or be responsible for everything- know that you can only control and change you. Resistence creates pain. As we accept and let go and let god, it gets better. Allow others to be who they are and detach from their issues, feeelings, attitudes, mood, whims - that is their own perosnal human walk to sort out or not, not ur job - keep working on YOU - ur doing great and feeling better. Let go to the process, keep ur head down and do what u can do right now to allow you to feel better and then repeat on the next day or moment. This is all we can do and this is how we work it!  If u get overwhelmded, ur taking on too many outside things/opinions, get back to just YOU and it becomes more manageable. kcb

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Kitty :) I am going to keep working on concentrating on me. I know when I do that I feel better. Those old habits die hard, of letting my concentration go to others and taking things personally.... Thanks :)

SteppingUp · Veteran Member

Wonderful thread Sunflowergirl. I'm learning so much from all of the posts. Thanks!

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

Sunigirl, I used to be like that. When I taught school, politics, so many people, there were times they question what you did or what you are doing. I always felt I was being torn apart. I would be devistated.

ex: a new kid told me his name was Mike Rotch.

I called him that all period! I did not get it! MY crotch....called him mr. rotch. I figured it out, made him sit in next to me up by my desk and write sentences! lol this is HIGH school.

I told the vp about it. He basically went ballistic! Made a HUGE deal of it like I did not handle it.

I let him know I did. But geez it tore my guts out!

The tough kids were brought to me, I am a mom and they respected me... got it from my mother.

Anyway I was always being called in about something, get tore up then back to normal.
My neighbor was a witch, she said mean things to me, I would cry.

I am not kidding any conflict I had no back bone for me. I was always hurt.

What changed? I had had enough. I learned from all that pain that my being that hurt did NO good.

I learned to face conflict. Listen them out, then say may I talk now? And say my piece. When I began being proactive about loving me, the me I am blessed by hp with, I did not take anything personal anymore.

I don't care if I make a mistake or make a bad choice. I am not perfect, so what?

NO ONE IS.

Believe me now one cares much anyway. We are fortunate to find people who really do care.

LOVE YOU. I can tell you are a very genuine, sweet person. I like you very much. But we have to learn to like ourselves, to protect that inner person who is a bit weak. It is very ok!

I like to stand up for me now. I am not afraid of anyone, not anyone. To me everyone has worth, no one is better than anyone else. to me the president is no one special, heart surgeons or cops or teachers etc.

Everyone to me has worth, deserves love. I don't judge.

Do you judge you? What is so bad about you that you take things personal?NOTHING.

I think too sunigirl, I am passed 50 now. I felt this maturity in my mid forties. I was so dang sick of feeling hurt by others. Now I just don't let it hurt me!

A conductor on the train was a real jerk. I had to help this older lady get her huge suitcase up in to the train as he stood there. rrr I was with a cane!!! I could have taken that personal. I am old, fat whatever so he would not help.

But NO, I got in his face once I got on the train BIG TIME. How dare he treat anyone like that!

Hey the more we love our self, the less critical we are of others too.

Please love you. Your softness, your courage! when someone says something mean or does something mean, I think,"wow I would hate to feel that bitter inside!" I say, hey that is their problem.

when we let others make us feel hurt, take things personal. we are giving them control over us.

Like the A disease tries to do with us.

I am in control of me. period.
so there! (c:

I am so so so so glad you are here. Great share. hey ps sometime critisym spell? critisisum? no, hmmmm yea tell me "hey dummie you cannot spell!" haha I say," so??? "

anyway critisisym sometimes if we take it in, think about it, it may be a place we can grow, or it can be plain ole bolony. WE decided that.

HUGS debilyn

I am rubber you are glue, bounce off me stick to YOU.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

It always amazes me that we come here broken but still have some ego left in there somewhere everything was about me when I arrived here , my sponsor often said to me man you must think your powerful to be responsible for all of this stuff you take on . used to tick me right off but ididnt understand what she was saying to me took me awhile to stop taking stuff personal . today after alot of yrs to practice if I didnt cause the problem I dont feel the need to fix it . I can detach with love and leave the problem with them .
I apologize if I have done something wrong but I NEVER apologize for something I didnt do .. did that for yrs just to keep things calm .
The serenity prayer helps me alot
God grant me the serentiy * calm down so I think clearly *
To accept the things I cannot change *them *
the courage to change the things i can * me and my attitude * if i am part of the problem fix it * if not let it go .
And the wisdom to know the difference.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all so very much for the shares :)

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