The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am supposed to write a letter about how his addiction has affected me. I am not that introspective and not sure what the mood of the letter should be, so I just started writing. It kind of came out rather negative, so I wanted to get an opinion from others that have had to do this or know something about recovery to see if this is going to do any good or should I start over.
Here it is: "I think what affected me most was how you pushed me away. I felt unloved and unwanted. that was hard to deal with, because you were the one person to ever make me feel loved and wanted. For the first time in my life, I was comfortable with myself and you gave that to me. So when you pulled away it hurt me. It still hurts. I still feel unloved and unwanted. I especially felt it when you choose alcohol over your family. Any fun plans we would have would go right out the window, because you wouldn't feel like it or you wanted to drink. We never had any money, because any bit we had leftover after bills would go straight to alcohol. It is very hard for me to do anything for you, because of all the effort I put into loving you meant nothing. And i have to make up for your neglectful behavior to the girls. I have to work doubly hard to show the girls love and attention by taking them out and having fun, because their dad couldn't be bothered to do that stuff. So sorry that I am not showing you the support you need from me. So that is how your addiction has affected me. That is probably not even half of it, but I can't think of anything else at this moment. I am going to be here for you the only way I know how. I love you, but you make it really hard to do that sometimes. And it is really hard to find the supportive words right now, because I don't even remember how it feels to have that support from you. It is really hard to remember why I fell in love with you in the first place. And it really hurts to wonder why I am still here now. I really need my husband back. He has been gone for so long , it is so lonely without him. My hope is for this recovery process to bring him back to me. He is still in there some where, because I have seen him come through every now and then. I am tired of living with this selfish, self-obcessed monster that has taken his place. I will be here waiting when he comes back, I hope."
Is that too harsh? I have to give it to him by tomorrow. Any input would be aprreciated.
I think it is just fine , the truth hurts sometimes , check your motives before giving it to him , if it is to hurt him - don't . if it is truly how you feel give it to him, I am assuming that you are not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself at the moment , please find some in your area you too need support from people who understand exactly how u feel . The alcoholic is not the only one who has to make changes we do too ,we had a part in this mess and the sooner we can accept that the easier it is to move on . Attending this program for me is the best way to support his sobriety ,reminds me to stay out of his stuff and take care of me . sobriety is not the answer to all of our problems but it helps His drinking was not personal and has nothing to do with not loving you or your children if love could cure this disease we wouldnt need AA or Al-Anon. he drank because he has a problem and your not it. You are not the reason he drank .
There is no such thing as "too harsh", when you are sharing your feelings.... I don't see anything spiteful in your letter..... I had to do the same for my ex-AW when she was in rehab, and I ended up with about 30 itemized things that her alcoholism had cost/hurt/affected myself and the kids....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with the others. I think your letter is thoughful , honest and caring. I also was required to qrite such a ltetter and I know how difficult it was.
You did a fine job in expressing your inner feelings.
It's a heartfelt letter - no harshness about it. I know how difficult it was to write it. I was asked to write one as well when my exAH entered rehab the first time. I read it to him in front of many other couples, which I didn't appreciate. Others read their letters to their alcoholics, too. What was the most difficult to listen/observe were two children reading their letters to their mom. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.
But back to you..... I wish you and your husband the best! There is no right or wrong in the way you feel - feelings just are. Please don't judge them.
Gail
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
We learn in recovery to be honest and not let fear stop us from being honest. If you love yourself like you love him the letter is enough. I see your motive as being to inform him about how you have been affected and like it or not you need to hear yourself say it out loud. To hold it inside causes more damage. It's a new thing for you to do requested by a counselor I assume and new things are difficult...let it be and send it off and then like the other suggestions go and find the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and go soon for you. You'll find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local phone book.
Welcome to the MIP family. I should warn you, I am a devout Eagles fan! Having said that, I am glad you are part of the family.
Your letter is fine. It is thoughful and I can see the support for him in it. The thing about feelings is that they are feelings. Acknowledge them for what they are. They are yours and you can't help that you feel that way. I am struggling with issues about my sister. While she is not an addict, her husband is and is in recovery. We have a complicated relationship. Anyways, after talking to my sponsor about it, she made me realize that I have the right to feel what I do. I can't beat myself up for the way I feel as that would only compound the issue. As long as I admit that I have those feelings and not burying them a thousand fathoms deep (as I am prone to do), then I'm doing okay. They are there. They exist. Once in a while they get the better of me. For the most part I am learning to live with them and not let them get the better of me. That's the progress not perfection part of this.
I make it a point never to disagree with Abbyal. She's right about examining your motives.I have thought about writing a letter and mailing it to her. However I stop short because I don't want to hurt her. So I was thinking about doing it and not mailing it until I am ready. Right now I think I would mail it to hurt her. So I am not going to do that.
Stay true to who you are. The online meetings as well as the face to face meetings will help. One thing to keep in mind. The dynamics of a sober marriage vs. an active one are very different. They are not the same person going and they will not be the same person coming out. Neither will you. It took me a while to get that one. Alanon is a great life line. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks everyone. I was actually crying while I wrote that. I was at the library too so I had to give myself a few minutes after I was finished to compose myself. I have looked up Al Anon meetings in my area, but I just started working again and with hubby in rehab its hard to find the time to get to them. My parents were alcoholics too. I never knew how much that affected me until looking over the al anon website. It gave me some insight into why I am the way I am. It would be nice to meet with others that have been through that.
