The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I made a post earlier about my big issue, my husband has a fetish for a physical part of women body, how delicate this could be if anyone knows? can this be categorize as a fetish? if it's something that the person take to the extreme to view it everyday? My husband has the weirdest fetish which I really can't determine what's the point of it, and he has joined groups online about it. I'm wondering to get an opinion to see if I'm taking this to the extreme. But I'm concerned as well, because like I explained in previous posts, he had offered to pay to enjoy his fetish, I just never had the proof if he had taken that path for real, I have found in the past text msgs to women asking for pics and offering to pay them for that. I'm feel like i'm trapped in a wall. I thought I could change this man, but after 9 years and gave up drug addiction, now in force with this online stuff is getting me to the point that I don't know what else to believe.
My question to myself would be, what makes me so involved in someone elses stuff?
I know for me, I have enough to take care of and figure out for myself.
Nothing, nothing you do will make him or anyone do anything they would not have done anyway.
You cannot make him use any particular drug, or be turned on by something. That is all HIS stuff.
We make ouselves crazy trying to figure someone else out. It cannot be done. We can ruin our own lives by putting so much energy looking at someone elses behaviors.
Whether we are supporting them or not, does not give us the right to run their life, make their choices for them.
Myself, I had to look at it and decide if I wanted to be around someone or not. Whether I could accept them as is. If I couldn't or chose not to, I ended the relationship.
It just does not matter what he does. What matters is, do you want to live like this, with him?
We cannot change anyone but ourselves.
The disease makes us so sick, we forget our boundaries. We forget our own lives.
He is a very sick person, that you are not helping. I sure relate to the being married and supporting them. I thought that was what we were suppose to do. This was before I knew he had relapsed.
I let go. I am a healthier person for it.
When we start getting well, we change the focus to our own self, not someone elses stuff. It is natural to question like you are doing, and venting.
Keep coming back, I invite you to do something nice for you.
I am so sorry that you are required to deal with this in your home. Alanon suggests that we make no major life changes for the first 6 months to a year in program. This is so we can develop enough sanity and clarity to see our life clearly and know the path we neeed to take.
I know you are concerned over your husbands behavior but you are powerless over what he does or how he behaves. Ii am glad he is not using and that you feel some relief but understanding WHY he does stuff will nto enable you to fix it or change it
Please try to attend alanon meeting where you will learn to focus on yourself and be given tools to let go of negative behaviors that keeps you stuck in destructive behavior.
We have meetings her 2xs a day and local face to face meetings can be found by looking for alanon in the white pages of the telephone book
You deserve peace and serenity in your home Please keep coming back there is hope.
It sounds similar to sex addiction to me. I was involved with a sex addict and found COSA* meetings to be very helpful, you can look online for support groups in your area.
The sex addict I was with, spent a lot of time online... I learned about the addiction at the meeting, but mostly from a book they had recommended. Feel free to PM me if you would like more info about the book. ((hugs))
*Codependents of Sex Addicts
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
It is my understanding that addictive behavior can be absolutely anything, so yes a fetish I would say could be. An addict is an allergy as it were to an otherwise "harmless" substance or behavior but as we all know, doing something to excess is problematic. A non-A can chagne their behavior easier then a compuslivity. (as a codependent enabler, I had my own compulsivities to thers and in sharing information with them, info they might be "people pleased" with). So, if the thing is there and u can see it and he offers to pay others to get it - then it is there in his life, face that realtiy and accept the truth about your partner.
The only person u can control and change in this life, is YOU. If we focus on others and manipualte and attempt to control others, it us who are out of control in that behavior of ours. Gaining self discover, self control, self respect and self mastery - is without fail the greatest expereince of my life. As u surrender your control and lean on the program, the fellowship and your own personal HP/god, u will see more choices open up as you work your own program and take ur life back from this disease/patterns.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you all for the support. I was just thinking there have been times he blames his behavior on me because I don't allow do his fetish with me, his has a neck fetish, for what i had read and found out, he loves women necks, which is kind of weird to me. He had told me if I have let him satisfy his needs he would not do that, but the thing and my biggest point is that it's been month day by day doing it, we do not sleep together,and he spent most of the night on that. but he knows when i wake up and act like he's doing some else, and lately he had moved the computer to a direction I can't see what he's doing. I know I'm getting sick of this, sometimes I think I want to give him a chance, but then I think I already lived a nightmare while he was using drugs now, do I to put myself through another one. Because I know if he comes and tell me again he would stop, and I believe that I'll be too stupid to stay there. He might change all his logins and make me believe like now that he's not doing it. That he is trying to do, that he left drugs for me andnow he's clean I don't appreciate and I'm selfish. and denies and denies he's going online and pays to chat with women and watch those videos.....sorry i had to vent a bit. have a great day.
