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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I'm losing my parents and need advice
Post Info TOPIC: I'm losing my parents and need advice
Tony_A


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I'm losing my parents and need advice
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Hello,

I'm a 36 year-old male who grew up in a reasonably non-alcoholic household. My parents divorced when I was 13. My dad was a heavy social drinker but quit cold turkey about 10 years ago for health reasons.  My mom rarely drank but started to drink when her second husband retired and started seeking the bottle to cure his boredom and became abusive (not physically).

I find myself constantly waking up in the middle of the night (such as now, 4am) worried about how to deal with my mom and step-dad. My mom recognizes she has a problem, lies about how she is going to quit, and then continually lets me down. My step-father absolutely refuses to acknowledge there is a problem as he is a better functional drunk than my mom.

As a result of their drinking they have become hermits. They will not leave the house after 4-5pm, will protest any attempts to get them to go out to dinner.  Their social lives have dwindled.  My mom's sole social activity is having breakfast or lunch with her friends because she knows she cannot function in the afternoon when the drinking starts.

Making matters worse, they have a female neighbor (let's call her Sally) who has serious health issues because of her drinking. Her doctors have forbid her to drink and her husband has thrown alcohol out of their house. So what does Sally do instead? She comes over to my step-dad's house and drinks there, often inciting my mom to drink earlier and earlier in the day.

What disgusts me the most is that I have proof that, later at dinner time, my mom will often get in her car and go pick up food. Clearly she is driving while intoxicated and has banged up her car several times. She has never once been caught by the police.

Both of my brothers and my sister and I don't know what to do. We feel that after 4pm, we lose both my mom and step-dad as if they don't even exist.   We have tried confronting my mom when she is sober but regardless of the approach, stern or friendly, it gets us nowhere.    None of us have thought to approach our step-dad because frankly he intimidates us.

At this point I am exasperated as the health of both of them (mid-late 60's) are in noticeably declining health.   My desire is to write each parent a lengthy letter and try to be as positive as possible, but also be firm.  I hate the idea of cutting my mom and step-dad out of my life but they bring me so much pain and anguish that I cannot imagine bringing that into my relationship with my new wife.  If I ever have a child of my own, I know I cannot expose him/her to this terrible alcoholism.

Is it wrong for me to write a letter to them? Is it wrong for me to tell them that I feel like pulling away because of their disease?  I have tried for 5+ years to be supportive but I honestly feel like I am just condoning their behavior by acting like everything is just fine.


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hotrod


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Welcome Tony

You are not alone and I am glad that you have reached out for help.  As you have noted alcoholism is a progressive disease and it affects the drinker and the entire family.  We have face to face meetings in most communities and help in finding a meeting can be found by going to:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

We are powerless over alcohol.   Al Anon provides tools that enable us to focus on ourselves, turn the alcoholic over to a Higher Power and  then to tean to Live and Let live. 

I understand your fear and frustration and believe that writing that letter depends entirely on your motives.  If you sincerely want to tell your parents how you feel and why you are taking certain actions to protect yourself then I  think the letter is fine If it is done without judgement.  If you think the letter will effect a change in the drinking , you might rethink doing so

Please keep coming back there is help and hope.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
xeno59


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Hi Tony

And welcome. You definitly are in the right place.
First as we don't give advise here but just our own Experience, strenght and hope I would urge you and your siblings to find an alanon meeting in your area and run don't walk there. You will find love and support and the tools you need in order for YOU to survive this disease.
We become so obsessed with our loved ones disease that we literally lose ourselves in the process.
One of the first things you will learn is that you are "powerless" over everyone except yourself. There is absolutly nothing you and do or say to make your mom stop drinking just as there is nothing you can do to make her drink.
Alcoholics drink...thats what they do and thats what they will continue to do until they hit thier own bottom. And everyones bottom is different.
This program will teach you all about this disease and how it works.
When you are talking to your mom weather she is sober or drunk know that you are talking to a disease. And that disease will tell you what ever it is they need to say to get you off thier backs.
For me I grew up in an alcholic.addicitve home and made up my own coping skills in order to deal with it. I was given the job at 8 yrs old to be the family caretaker and clean up the mess and destruction the alcoholic/addict left in thier wake.
My husband and I actually moved our children away from that life style when they were young but because we had never found our own recovery we brought our dysfunctional thinking anf thought process with us. We kept no alcohol in our home, certainly no drugs yet our son became and addict.
And after years of yelling, begging, negotiating everything you can think of I was finally lead to Alanon. I thought it would be a place where they would tell me how to fix my son, instead i was advised this program was for my own healing. And if i am truthful by the time I got here i was a sick if not sicker than my son and I didn't even have to take a single drink or drug. I was just so obsessed and emeshed in my sons disease I had long ago lost myself. And all the things I kept trying with my son to get him sober, I was doing over and over again only to be disappointed everytime.
The definition if insanity they say is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And I was displaying insanity at it's finest.
First know this...write it down and keep it with you
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
We call those the 3 C's
What you can do is work the program which will teach you healthy ways to deal with the alcoholic that don't disrupt your own serenity.
You will learn how to detach from your alcohlic with love, which means separating the person from thier disease
How to set boundaries on what you consider acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.
The program takes work and a open and willing mind but i will tell you what an old timer told me
"the program is free doesn't cost you a cent, so work the program for 6 months and then if you find out it is not helpful to you we will gladly refund you your misery"
UGH! I did not want to be miserable anymore and I couldnt save my son so I stuck it out and I will tell you it saved my sanity and my life.
Everyone here understands exactly how you feel, we all love or have loved someone with this disease. And certainly if love could cure this disease it would be cured and if hate could cure this disease it would be cured.
What you will learn is how to take care of yourself first and foremost
Give us a chance, you wont be disappointed
Blessings

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lyndebi


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welcome to mip, glad you found us!

The best thing you can do for your parents, is all of you and siblings go to al anon meetings, read literature, come here. We also have meetings here.

The more Al Anon skills you learn the more help you will be to your parents.

When we truly believe it is a disease, we feel more compassion towards our sick loved ones.We learn the behavior is disgusting, but not them.

We learn to let go of their lives and concentrate on our own. It takes as long as it takes.

I can tell you are very sick and sad over this. They are your parents. Their disease is making you and yours sick too. That is what addiction does.

It is like being pulled into a pit with them. You and yours can avoid that.

I hope you find comfort here, and find a path to getting better.

hugs,debilyn

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