The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Any tips for this situation? Friends from out of town are coming to our house to stay the Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving. Long story short -- they 'invited themselves.' I did establish a boundary and told them we couldn't host them until AFTER Thanksgiving. Perhaps I should have just refused to host them altogether, but that is water under the bridge, as I can't "disinvite" them now.
At any rate, here is my fear. They are big-time drinkers. My AH is sober now and has been for about 4 months. We don't keep alcohol in the house, but they are the type to bring their own beer.
H has said seeing them drink won't bother or tempt him, but frankly I personally have a hard time with the thought of seeing people wolf down beer all day from 12:30 in the afternoon to past midnight in my own home. I have realized it isn't just my fear of how it will affect my A, but it is a level of discomfort I myself have -- probably I have a little PTSD from all the horrible alcohol-drenched experiences with my A.
Any advice or experiences on this situation? How should I approach this?
Yes, call up your friends and tell them , it is up to them if they want to still come, but there is no alcohol in your home and you dont plan on serving it .
End of story.
Have a great Thanksgiving, your husband is working on recovery and you both have a lot to be grateful for.
Yes, I could not possibly stick that scenario you described. I would bet money on it that they will disinvite themselves, when you are not willing to have this in your home. No drink in your home, full stop, they won't show.
I am guessing they are his friends too. Sounds like he is fine with their possible behavior.
But if you shared what you just did here with him, would he support you?
If it were me, I have learned to teach others how I need/want to be treated. I have to ask for what I want
Myself, with my AH, would let these friends know that we don't have alcohol in our home. We don't have to explain what we want or do not want in our home.
Of course you are sensitive to it! I hope your AH will support you in this boundary.
I can also tell you, if we worry over things, it usually makes them bigger than they are.
So if AH does not want to share this boundary with you, and they come, how can you be ok?
Meetings, read literature, talk to hp, stop negative thinking, detach from their drinking.
We can choose how we respond to things. LOTS of work though!
Believing in what I do, no one uses profanity, smokes or uses on my property. I feel very respected by that.
If they are truly friends they will want to be as acceptable and appropriate as possible to be good guests.
This is an easy one for me, because all my friends have known for years that you don't get to drink in my home.
The one exception was a housewarming party I threw three years ago when I moved into my new house and it was a total hen party with women who each had a glass of wine, and even with that little alcohol they had all arranged for rides home so they weren't driving.
I'm with the others -- if you want to stay over, there won't be any drinking.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Actually you can and should do what ever is necessary to gain and maintain your peace of mind and serenity (freebie from an early sponsor). When I learned that I use to re-inventory my choices and for the ones that I had not participated in then if I found I had to make adjustments...I'd make them when I found I needed to. I gave me a sense of empowerment and confidence that I was into a solution even before there might be a problem. It worked for me then and still does now. Lots of my recovering fellow members also do it that way.
For me it would be as simple as following what I was told when I first entered the program, "Always Take Care Of Yourself First", whatever it takes for that to be accomplished. Doing the next right thing for YOU, no second thoughts, serenity saved.
Hi, thank you for your responses everyone. I will not have alcohol to serve them, so that's not a problem. But these people have always arrived with a case of beer -- i.e., they 'bring their own.' (Seems to me a sign they may have a drinking problem of their own, but that's not my problem or my place to judge I guess.)
When I brought this whole issue up with AH, he seemed reluctant to establish any boundary and just said we'd talk about it later. i think he doesnt like the spotlight to be shined on his alcoholism.
I liked your point, Lyndebi, about not obsessing over it too much. They have been told through the grapevine that AH doesn't drink anymore -- I don't think the alcoholism word was mentioned. I might just see what they do when they get here. Maybe they won't bring beer. I plan to talk again to AH about what should we plan to do if they do bring the beer.
Learning to set boundaries can be hard! I find its almost more difficult with friends than with AH. I guess because I have always been raised to be a gracious hostess.
