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I have been coming here for several months and find the posts and the dialogue and support here so beneficial. I also go to f2f meetings. I thought I would share something I struggled with and which I have had a realization about -- validation.
My AH is now in recovery. When he first went into outpatient treatment in July of this year, after the initial joy that he was getting help, I began to feel terribly hurt and angry. I was especially hurt by all the many many lies he told about drinking. I would ask him if he had been drinking and he would lie and I would believe him despite what I knew in my gut (my illness). Finally, when he entered treatment, I allowed myself to feel all the feelings of hurt and betrayal -- until then I had swallowed them down, internalized them.
I started to feel that I absolutely NEEDED him to come completely clean with me about all his lies AND to express to me his understanding of how much he had hurt me and our children. I really, really struggled with this NEED and pain for months, even after becoming involved in Al Anon. His work with his sponsor was painstakingly slow (after four months, they are still working on Step 1). I wasn't getting what I needed from him.
Not too long ago I was meditating/praying for my HP to help me resolve this NEED for validation. Where could I get validation if not from my spouse?? But I knew that the need I felt it wasn't hurting him. The only person it was hurting was me. Soon after I began to pray on the topic, I had an "Aha!" moment. It just came to me, clear as day. I did not NEED his validation. My hurt, pain, disappointment, betrayal -- all those feelings WERE VALID without being "validated" by him. This was not just an intellectual realization, but a sense of emotional peace and strength. My feelings were real and valid, whether he validated them or not.
Perhaps a day may come when he does come to a realization about all the harm his alcoholism brought to his family, but that is HIS business, and not something I NEED any longer.
It also helps a great deal that other people on this board and in f2f meetings went through so many of the same things that I did. I was/am not alone in my feelings.
As a codependent, these realizations have been huge for me. I feel gratified for the program helping me to reach them.
I have had that word buzzing around my head all day today, and thank you for bringing it to the fore, I was always wanting my husbands validation of me, I always felt not only me but our children came right down the pecking order of what was most important to him, I started to accept he wasn't capable of validating us because he was struggling to validate himself, when I stopped needing this, and realised I had to learn away of validating myself, I began to feel better and as I took the focus of him and what I felt he should be providing us with, I started to feel better about myself, my husband is not a big communicator, he does keep a lot of his feelings very close to his chest, and since he is now happily sober I have struggled too with the pain he inflicted on us during the turbulent drinking years, and have struggled with trust, by you writing about this topic today I feel I can close another chapter now on a few things that were left over from past issues, I was VALID to feel what I felt back then, YAY, you know for me as an adult mip is the first place I was not judged not blamed, was encouraged and supported to be human and feeling and caring in an healthy way, thank you very much for bringing this to our table.
Great insight...my current A is my son but prior to that pretty much everyone in my family is an A in recovery..brother, sister, nieces etc. When they got into recovery I too waited for the validation of all they had put me through. I raised thier children, thier grandchildren, I cleaned up all thier messes etc I am still waiting What I have learned by working my own program is the while they didn't make thier ammends to me verbally or verbally ackowldge thier lies and how thier disease affected my life. They did change thier behaviors, they worked thier programs and became the people they were meant to be. They became kinder, more thoughtful and considerate and in the end what more could I ask for. So while they never acknowleged it I know they know what they put our family through and as long as they work thier program thats all the validation I need. I did finally learn to validate my own feelings and not rely on an outside source for it. Blessings
What a huge realization - just HUGE. Good for you!!
Your recovery is inspirational to me this morning! Wanting to be validated is powerful!! But it's so true that we can get that validation internally - we don't NEED other people to validate what is already completely valid.
this is a great post - I've been struggling with this so much. Thanks for the ESH; I hope I can work to get where you are at a "believing" level (not just the intellectually knowing it's a good idea level, which is where I am now!). Thanks.
this helps too and ties in a lot with the issue of loneliness - feeling I'm alone, panic, anger, if significant other doesn't understand and validate every thing I feel. Anyway....in progress
Well done - it took 3 yrs of sobreity for my husb to fully realize the impact his behavior had on our family trust me they suffer alot longer than we do , after comming to this program sharring at meetings and with a sponsor I found what I needed Validation . they understood what I had gone thru understood the feeling I had durring the drinking yrs and no one toldme I was wrong they just listened - and it appears that all I needed was to be heard and it didnt have to be my husband who did the listening . Today I know that i will never understand his compulsion to drink any more than he will understand how his drinking affected my life ..and thats ok today as these feeling were after all just my perception and were indeed just feelings and feelings are not necessarily facts . Early on in recovery I heard a speaker say take your problem to a meeting or a sponsor and come home with a solution . tht works for me saves alot of stupid arguments . Louise
Mahalo Cloudsea...recovery shares like your AHA!! moment have really helped me in my own recovery. I learned that God doesn't give me any more than I can handle and then I arrive at a miraculous AHA!! also. The peace and strength are great consequences for doing that homework and since you don't need his validation you also don't need for him to work the program other than how he is doing it now with his sponsor. You're free!!
(c: thank you for sharing this. I am very glad you found some comfort.
My experience, after so much horrible pain from the A disease, was just that, it was not my A, it was the disease that did it.
I feel deep sympathy for what my ex AH went thru in his life and what he still goes thru. As far as the lies, manipulation etc, means zero to me as again, it was the disease. No different to me than if it was a brain tumor causing him to act like that. Addiction is horrible, controls them.
Hon also I learned their guilt is so vast that is validation that they know what their disease has done.
I honestly feel sad for my ex AH for losing our marriage, our love, home. He lost a wife who loved him, and in love with him most her life. I was not the only one who lost.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your responses. I can't say the lies mean nothing to me -- they still hurt. But I don't need him to validate those feelings any more. Also, the more I share the hurt, such as here and in f2f meetings, the more I can let it go.
Being able to feel "valid" from the inside is a really powerful feeling. I feel competent -- I am a grown up with real emotions that are understandable and meaningful. I don't need someone else to tell me that they are.
You always seem to know exactly what I am thinking. I am so right there with you in knowing that as much as we suffer the A's are suffering so much more interally. They are in pain initally as they get drawn into the diesase and then in those moments of clarity they see all the destruction they have left in thier path and have no coping skills to even begin to deal with those issues so the cycle continues. I know when I look into my sons eyes I see such immense pain, I also know he is well aware of how his disease has affected our family and is stealing all the dreams he has for himself. That alone breaks my heart. Then I had to look back at my previous A's and could see so clearly the pain they were in. Thats when I learned compassion not only for my own A's but for all A's And the last prayer I say everynight is for my HP to give all A's just one moment of clarity so they can see past the pain and realize the path they are on and want to change. I've no idea if that prayer has ever come through but it helps me help the A's in the only way that I can and thats to turn them over to HP Blessings
What great shares everyone :) Thank you for all of your words here. It helps so much to read them. And I know that my A is very ashamed of what he does when he does it. I have learned that I don't need him to validate, that I can detach from it and realize it is not personal...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
