The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF is in recovery and really trying to fight his illness. He is doing really well and sems to be committed to his recovery.
My resentmets are getting hold og me again he has been in there 3 months and has another 3 months to go it is quite an intense programme. He is allowed home now at weekends and we are starting to get closer. I do not know if it is this that has triggered it.
I am getting resentful that my friends partners go to work provide and are supportive. I got a little upset last night and told ABF I was tierd of struggling he told me that this resentment should be aimed at ex husband who is father of my two teenage children. I got really resentful after all I have done for him.
I have not slept that much and have looked at this this morning.
He is sick and doing his best. I am resentful that he carnt meet and needs (expectations) I am a hinderance to him, he does not need all this it affects his self esteem, confidence recovery. I know I am wrong and need to accept he is ill and can not meet my needs at moment maybe in the future if he makes it.
I do ot know if I am looking for an excuse to get out this is so hard. But he is fighting it doing everything he should ad more. I want to support him work my programme keep focus on me but I have expectations of how a partner should be these feed resentments and are causing me so much stress. Anyone have any good tools for expectations or resentment. I just feel like we ARE COMING TO THE END OF A VERY LONG MARATHON AND i AM FLAGGING.
Even sober partners dont meet all our needs. Its even harder with an alcoholic. These are sick people.
We have to work on acceptance, its a hard pill to swallow if we are to be with an A, we will be making great compromises if we do not build our boundaries. We have to know whats best for us and what were willing to take on and accept or there will be resentments. There is no good guy or bad guy.
Concentrate on your own recovery and let the alcoholic be..
Keep coming back as the program of Alanon is great for our life.
This is what I know about resentments and I don't know if will be helpful to you at all. Our son is our A, lived at home and we did everything we knew how ( pre alanon ) to get him help. find a job etc and he would tell us all the things we wanted to hear etc. We would start out "hoping" for the best outcome and as time went by we turned that Hope into an expectaion of the best outcome. And wouldn't ya know the minute our Hope's turned into an expectaion our son would relapse and talk about resentment sheesh we seethed in it. Now I can look back and see our part in placing expectaion on our son and setting ourselves up for disappointment and resentments. Today I always hold out hope for our son, and he is doing okay. But I no longer expect him to stay sober, never lie, cheat or steal etc. Recovery holds no promises and I no longer set myself up for those disappointments or resentments. Thats just what worked for me Blessings
I know about resentment. EVen when things are good at home, I get resentful about the past. I also resent seeing everyone else's wife out at family gathering, social occasions, working, contributing, being a real "partner"....instead I feel like I've got a ball and chain. While it's hard for me to shake this feeling, I know that it does me no good and probably some harm to think like this. I pray that someday I won't.
Recovery is not an excuse to avoid responsibility , your not the first to be upset because they are tucked saftley in a treatment program while the wife or partner is left to deal with the fall out .. alcoholism is a very selfish disease it really dosent care about anyone but the alcoholic . If your not already please find f2f meetings for yourself you need support your life ahs been affected by someone elses disease and you too need to recover . Drinking or not, for me the best way to take care of myself and the A is to have my own program and take care of my own needs . I am responsible for my own happiness no one else can do that for me , they can be a bonus in my life but not the reason I am happy Expectations are pre- meditated resentments we set our selves up every time lower your expectations of people around you and you will feel much better. Easy does it , take care of you .. Louise
"I know I am wrong and need to accept he is ill and can not meet my needs at moment maybe in the future if he makes it. " -Tracy
Tracy u are not wrong for having feelings and resentments, it is very natural. The way to deal with them is to feel them through and do the forgiving. That is the hard part. When we are hurt by another who has been hurt, we are passing the pain around. This is what we enablers do, we pick up the tab/bill on the pain from others and accept it as our own, feel like we are responsible and blame ourselves for their problems/issues. It is not your fault or responsibility that he uses. We did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it - for them. We can however change to empower us so that we are not automatically enabling them and abandonning ourselves.
Focus on YOU and define what your true needs are versus the wants and fantasies you held for you and your life.
Establishing boundaries enables us to learn to take care of us emotionally. Another person cannot meet your needs, if you dont even have them defined. Defining them for YOU allows u to see ways in which u can get them met.
Relationships are a 2way street. One person cannot do it alone, either way, it takes two. No one can cope, feel - deal - heal for you either and u cannot do that for them.
The best way to help him, is to work a solid program of your own, get to mtgs, get a sponsor and focus on the only one you can control or change ~ YOU. As you lovingly detach from what he is working on and going through, he will feel that u are accepting of him how he is. No one wants to feel like they need to change for someone else or they arent good enough as they are. And believe me, they feel it. They already think they are not good enough. I was once told that when I pour my heart out all over the A and let them know just how very much capacity I have to love them -- the A feels the are unlovable, and when they are mean or cruel to us, it is a form of sabotage in advance -- they see themselves as unlovable and unworthy - they think u are sick for loving them so much in thier state, so they attack us bc they dont feel worthy. Does that make sense? I hope it does. Love you first and be kind and gentle. YOU become worthy and dont worry about what he is or is not doing.
Surely he is not perfect and u are all wrong, that just is not the truth. kcb and working it for you - recovery is self discovery and u are worth it and so much more - but if we never beleve that or take that risk, then it never comes, there must be a demand for a supply to manifest. Love you and forgive all you can, oh ya and boundaires boundaries boundaries. (if u need help with bundaries write to me in PM and I will talk to you privately) Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
