The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a few moments this weekend that really made me think Im starting to get this and making progress.
1. On Saturday morning, before her AA meeting, my wife told me that she had bought a bottle of wine on Friday night when I thought she was out running an errand and sat in a parking lot in the car with it, but ultimately didn't open it. I thanked her for being honest with me, told her to go to her meeting and be open to everything that was shared there, and talk to her sponsor. Pre Al-Anon, I would have grilled her on it--asked her why she did that, what led to her wanting to drink, how did she feel now, did she think she'd do it again, threaten her if she did do it again I'd have to do "something", etc etc.
2. While playing with the kids and managing to keep them from pulling each others' hair out, I found myself feeling a sense of really pleasant peace and happiness. Definitely felt like a moment that I was very close to my higher power. Just felt very good and very calm and very happy and very fortunate to be having that moment.
3. This morning, my wife was losing it and having a mini-tantrum over something insignificant. Pre Al-Anon, I would have been in her face and asked her "What is your problem"?!. Today I just said "hon, relax". In hindsight, I should have said nothing because even that small statement made a bad situation worse. But it is much better than what would have happened in the old days.
4. My wife was miserable all weekend, depressed about her near re-lapse on Friday. For half of the weekend, I didn't let this get me down and had a blast with the kids. But I do admit that it started to bring me down as the weekend progressed and by last night I was feeling pretty bad myself. I also found myself judging my wife a bit which wasn't a good feeling.
Anyway, I like where this is going. That being said, I have to admit there were a few moments this weekend where I said to myself "I can't do this". By "this", meaning I can't change. They didn't last long but it is still there, and I think that is probably natural. But a bit uncomfortable too.
-- Edited by usedtobeanyer on Monday 15th of November 2010 09:19:32 AM
What a honest,inspiring post You are on the way!!!
One of the most powerful gifts alanon gave to me was that it permitted me to be human . I could feel disappointed, as if I could not do something etc as long as I acknowledged it, talked about it and just kept showing up to program I was growing.
Feelings are not facts It truly is a process and you are doing great Thanks for sharing the journey
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 15th of November 2010 10:04:25 AM
I know how hard this is when you are at the beginning of your journey of change and detachment and non-judgment.
Wonderful share. Inspiring for all to hear the humanity in your journey too. The okay I am not there yet and my report might say "Could do better", is great to see.
"Could do better" in my eyes is NEVER a negative...it shows a learning, a trying, an atempt. Soon, your report will be saying, "Progressing well and heading for the B stream" and after that there will be no stopping you going for an A.
For now, I think you deserve a golden star.
With love,
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I think you are doing a great job. You know we are our own worst crictics so what you may deem you are making baby steps I see you making great strides. I am always in awe of people who catch on to the program so quickly. It honestly took me forever to learn how to detach and then even longer to be able to do it with love. Keep up that great work! Blessings to you and family
Old habits are hard to break......"I can't do this"...........then your program (new habits)kicked in and kicked out the old way of thinking. Good for you. Practice, practice, practice.
It's working because you are working it. Pat, pat, pat, on the back.
Another great weekend from this perspective for both of you...Hey "Hon relax" is great input...simple and short and sweet. Patty pat on the back, I'll bet it came more from a center of compassion than control. You had a great weekend a reprogramed one. It was different and different is well just different. Like RLC suggest...practice, practice, practice cause it does get better.
As for your wife and the wine? You did and said the very next very right thing... listen and then turn her over to her HP and AA cause you still have the 3c's and God and AA know how to give her more tools so that next time she might have the thought or compulsion but may not buy the bottle. I feel for her also because I know what she went through, what it sounds like, feels like, thinks like, smells like. More power to her if she kept the cork in it so that she can call a sponsor or another member in program to ride it out with her.
Inspirational!! Personally, I aspire to your clarity!
Looks like you came from a place of compassion about the entire situation.
I know about the judging feelings. But, feelings are just feelings. You allowed yourself to feel them and not let them control you.
The "Hon Relax" comment resonated with me. There have been times I've told my W that very thing when she seems to be heating up like a tea kettle. Unfortunately, very few things can make her blow a gasket faster than telling her to 'calm down'. So, I really need to check my motivations before telling her to relax.
Thanks for the encouraging words everyone, I really do have a long way to go though. I've been thinking today that there's probably a better than 50% chance she drinks today, for various reasons. Basically everything is falling into place for this to be one of those days for her. Just got an e-mail from her and thought to myself, "wow, that's a lot of exclamation points...". I tried to catch myself and tell myself not to worry, but then I remembered we are going grocery shopping tonight with the kids. Last thing I want is to be walking around the grocery store with my drunk wife.
So I start worrying now...but trying to catch myself...still, as I said I really don't want to be walking around the grocery store with my drunk wife!!!
This is one of those situations I find so hard to navigate...
Remember "IF" the whatever happens today or in the future, her drinking is no reflection on you. (3-C's) I realize you are doing a bit of projecting and it's only human. I've been there. I now try to always think and practice program. And the program tells me to "Always take care of myself first", and "Always do the next right thing". When I follow those two guidelines I don't concern myself with the torpedoes.
It is all a process and that is why we all keep coming back. We only need to do this one day at a time. Eventually we get to the point that drink or not we can have a happy life.
I found that having a Plan B and C always helps when facing s situation that might cause a problem. Just knowing that I had a choice eliminated the fear and worry . if you find she has been drinking when you connect tonight let plan B or C kick in and take care of you, your serenity and peace.
It is two steps forward and some back but you are moving in the right direction
Just being able to know how you feel and sharing it is great progress.
Remember the Serenity Prayer.
We are asking HP to grant us what we lack!!!
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 15th of November 2010 03:23:14 PM
Just a tool? Body language is the majority of all communications and I don't know of any group of people soooo keen on reading body language as the alcoholic is. It isn't so much what you say as how you say it that they glom onto. That just information for you not for her.
Until I learned how to keep my focus on myself entirely I was always walking on egg shells around the alcoholic in my life and when I finally arrived at a healthy working aspect of detachment I forgave myself for the nervousness I surely displayed as I practiced. After lots of practicing daily I was able to be calm not matter what was going on around me or if it included the alcoholic or not.
Baby steps lead up a confident walker. Don't project as much as you can. If you do it will show...there is no way you can stop it from showing and when you're nabbed the response requires honesty.
So I projected, was sure she'd be drunk when I got home, and she wasn't. She wasn't doing well but she wasn't drunk. Sometimes it is great to be proven wrong!
I need to try and learn from this...I had a great day but it could have been better if I didn't focus on the certainty that my wife would be drunk when I got home today.
Interesting points about body language. I don't know what kind of body language I am giving off these days. Mostly I just feel very good right now. And I'm thinking that is coming through...
. I could feel disappointed, as if I could not do something etc as long as I acknowledged it, talked about it and just kept showing up to program I was growing. 
