The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm brand new here, and am the adult child of an alcoholic. My father has been an alcoholic my whole life, and though put my siblings and I in danger with his drinking, has never abused us. However, he has been arrested on a DUI charge previously and was given an ultimatum by my mother that if he didn't stop, she would leave him. (They have been married 37 years.) He claimed that he stopped. I know that he is drinking again because he drinks in front of my husband when they go golfing.)Recently he was diagnosed with diabetes. He still hangs out at the bar with his friends every week, and I'm pretty sure he goes to another local bar every day. (Also recently laid off from work.) He now uses his blood sugar as an excuse for his jovial drunk behavior. My sister and mother believe him. My brother (also an alcoholic) is drinking with him and also lying about it. I truly wouldn't care except that I know he is driving around drunk, endangering everyone around him. I am married and have my own children, and am really angry that as an adult, his drinking still affects me!
Now the problem is, do I tell my Mother (we are very close) that I know he is drinking again? I enabled him in the past and did not tell her, because I didn't want them to split. If I tell her she will be angry with me that I didn't tell her sooner (I knew this past July), and he will be very angry with me for snitching on him and probably wont speak to me. My brother will also blame me for causing the split between them.
OR do I just shut up, live my own life, take care of my own family and cordially deal with them on holidays, allowing the problem to continue until he drinks so much he gets hurt, hurts someone else or gets caught? Please help.
Al-Anon is for anyone effected by someone else's drinking. Your father's drinking is certainly having an effect on you. In Al-Anon we don't give advice, only our experience, strength, and hope. No one knows what is right for you. Only you can make the decision to tell your mother or not. If your mother doesn't supect your father is drinking you don't have to worry, in time, and probably sooner than later, she will.
We have no control over the alcoholic in our life, and sadly, neither does the alcoholic. The disease is in control. It takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. Until, and unless, your father wants help, and seeks help, the disease will only progress. If there were a cure there would be no need for the Al-Anon program. I'm sure your father knows what alcohol is doing to his body. He knows that he can lose his marriage, his health, and all he holds dear. The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
You asked for advice. Let me tell you what worked for me. I started attending face to face Al-Anon meetings where I listened to what had worked for others. I was told about the three C's.......I didn't cause the disease, I can't control the disease, and and I can't cure the disease. That was not what I wanted to hear at the time. I read all the information I could find about the disease. I talked to members after the meeting who had walked in my shoes. I wanted what they had. As I continued to go to my meetings I realized that Al-Anon was about me and how I could take care of myself, it was nothing to do with the alcoholic in my life. I didn't like that either. I wanted the alcoholic in my life to stop drinking. I read Step One of our program..."We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable". Reading Step One and accepting Step One was hard for me because I was still trying to control the A in my life. In time the program began to sink in. I came to realized the only person I can control is me and the disease surely had made my life unmanageable. I continued going to my meetings and I started getting better ....One day at a time. The same can happen to you.
There is no quick fix, and nothing will happen overnight. The program is about you and how you can take care of yourself whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not. The program works, it has worked for millions of people world wide. I am one of those. Please find a meeting in your area. Look in your phone book for meeting times and place. It's the best thing you can do for yourself. You don't have to be alone anymore. You made the first step my coming to MIP. Take the next step and start your recovery. You deserve it.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 14th of November 2010 07:02:56 PM
Thank you very much for your response. I'm probably going to have to talk to him about this sooner or later. I am a hospice nurse and I take care of MANY MANY people who are in the last stages of liver failure from drinking. Just yesterday I met a 60 year old man that is bleeding to death slowly because he drank himself to the point where his blood wont clot. He'll be dead by Wednesday and his wife and kids have to take care of him. It is very likely that I will take care of my own father this way within the next 10-15 years unless he kills himself by drunk driving or heart disease because his drinking is making his diabetes unmanageable. (Not that he'll own up to that.) The hard part for me is accepting that he is powerless (I am really very angry at him!) and that any of us are powerless. I believe that we make our own choices. At the same time, intellectually I know that an addiction that is a true chemical addiction like alcohol takes away people's power to make good and reasonable choices. I love my brother and I love my Dad, I can't be the enabler, but how do I not enable him and still have any kind of relationship with him? Yeah, looks like I'll need to head to a meeting. Thank you again.
Enabling is doing for others what they could and should do for themselves. Just as alcoholics all have the same characteristics, we to have similar characteristics. We are the worlds best fixers, controllers, and enablers. We know what is best for our alcoholic. The "if" word takes over. If they would only quit drinking. If they would only listen to me. If they would only take better care of themselves. If a bull frog had wings.
Alcoholics are going to do what they are going to do regardless of their health, or love ones, They are going to drink. What is important is what are you going to do. Your decision to attend your first f2f meeting is a wonderful choice. You will find friendly faces, and members who will understand as perhaps no one else can. Pick up the free literature, stay after the meeting and talk to some of the old timers. They want to give back to the program what the program has given them.
You have found a new family here......and you are not alone anymore........keep coming back and posting, and be sure and tell us about your meeting tomorrow.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 15th of November 2010 12:36:32 AM
Hello and welcome , i think you answered your own question , if you tell mom ,dad will be mad , brother will be angry ..and trust me soon all of them will be angry with you for upsetting the apple cart and that includes mom .sooooooooo You found a meeting close to you , perfect when there pick up a detachment pamphlet , that will help alot we learn to detach with love and accept people for who they are but not get drawn into the chaos the alcoholics creates . One of my fav books is a daily reader called the OdAT itis perfect for beginners if you purchase on go to the page on July 14th ,that page changed my life it told me what to do and what not to do . practice that to the best of your ability and your life will get easier .. good luck enjoy your meeting . Louise
Sorry for the fact it seems you are in the middle of all this I hope your first meeting went well and that You keep going back and work the program. For your own sanity and well being working the program and getting yourself healthy must be your top priority. Your father is going to drink, that's what alcoholics do. Unless they accpet recovery there is nothing you can say or do to stop this disease. I think you already know that. As far as "outing" him to your mother...I would ask myself what my motive is for doing so. To be perfectly honest do you not think your mother knows when your dad has been drinking after 37 years of this cycle. I am guessing she knows but is not ready to deal with it and not ready to follow through with her threat of leaving him. Now is the time for you to put the focus on you and get it off what your father is doing because YOU are the only one you can change. This program will not only educate you on this disease and how it works but will give you the tools and learn new behaviors in order to deal with this disease. Truthfully we have our own issues to deal with from either growing up or living with this disease. I didn't think I was one bit sick when i got here and found out that my own behaviors could be just a bad if not worse than the A's in my life. I wish you the best in your recovery Blessings
Thank you very much. The meeting was really freeing. I told my mother and my sister that I was attending a meeting today and that if they ever wanted to, they were more than welcome to come with me. Of course I was told that I was over reacting, but I can't let their attitudes bother me. They are not ready to face this yet, and thats ok too. I did ask them not to share complaints about my Dad or brother with me. I told them that there is nothing I can really do about it. I'm a nurse, not God, not Jesus, for crying out loud I'm not even a Saint. I cannot perform miracles, I cannot change other people. I cannot help those who do not want to be helped. I told them I love them, and I will talk to them later in the week. I was able to listen to the other members' stories and just cried. They (and you all) are so brave! Their stories really drummed up alot of memories and old baggage that I had pushed down deep for so long! I remembered the fear I felt as a little girl, and the anger and embarrassment. I thought I was done with all of that after I got married and moved out of the house. I shared my story at the meeting. It was so good to get it off my chest to people who actually understand!!! Thank you so much for all of this. Thank God there are these groups and all you wonderful people who are so willing to help others and to help yourselves. I'll be reading my newcomer packet and going back again.
You listened, trusted, accepted and didn't question what this program can do. You jumped in with both feet. You are amazing, only 19 hours after you posted with your topic titled "Need Advice" you have attended your first f2f meeting and whether you realize it of not are offering your ES&H to anyone who reads your post. I am impressed.
(((dcot))) just for your information..........what you accomplished was not a baby step.........It was a "Giant Leap" in your recovery.
I'm a big boy and like most men our "little egos" wards away tears many times. For the record this was not one of those times.
Another "Double HUG", RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 15th of November 2010 05:02:50 PM
You are all really wonderful people. I'm really glad that I stumbled on to this site last night. It was the best advice to give, telling me that a face to face meeting was the way to go. I know I will relapse into old ways of thinking. I know it will take a long time to work through the anger and resentment, and I may never have a great relationship with the rest of my family, but that's OK too. I feel like something in me has kind of snapped. I just have to let this all go. I have to be happy in my own life. In the past month, I've quit smoking, started excersizing and eating right. I'm really trying to let go of that "Woe is me" martyrdom. (I'm more like my mother than I care to admit sometimes.) I do have to tell you, today I am exhausted. I was scared to death going into that meeting thinking, "Maybe Mom's right. I'm probably over reacting. It's not like I was ever beaten by Dad, and my brother is just going through a tough time." I even parked in the wrong spot and had to move my minivan. I thought about just driving away, but then I figured I was already there, I had no other plans, so whatever, I might as well go in. Anyway, I'm glad I did, and I will go back again. But for now, I just put the kids to bed, and I'm hitting the hay myself. It has been a VERY productive day. Hugs and bright blessings to you all!
