The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not longing for my AH or wanting him around. Only because I know he is not him since the brain surgery. So in ways it makes it easier to let go.
Almost all my life I did long for him.Or keep a flame in my heart.
I had a horrible NIGHTMARE, dream last night. He was working at Crabtree, a little town.I had someone drop me off there to go see him planning to ride home with him when he was off.
I wanted to go home, kept wanting to go home. They were doing demolition. Then I realised they were NOT.
A HUGE drug deal was going on. He and someone got theirs went to a building away from the original building. I was in between picking wildflowers, oh brother and all of a sudden, swat teams, busting the big dealer. I thought I was in trouble!.
Then I was with AH wanting to go home! scared. I decide to walk home, 20 miles away...am walking down this dirt road, where there were all these hispanic homes and druggy people doing the drugs! ug. I was trying to be cool got away. someone tossed a puppy out of a car I had to deal with....
Next I am back with AH he has a syringe, with these clear plastic tubes of "wet" something like heroin. ? He stands I am holding him thinking how much I love him and care, how sad it is how he is so much happier and real when he is loaded.
Then he sits to do more, it is spilling, I say you are spilling it! He then blames me, of course. He is so loaded, has a ton of this dope, then he says,"I am going to die."
ugh. I woke up in tears, stomach hurt bad. Had that feeling of needing to call him, contact him, check on him. been years since i felt these feelings.
I was terrified of my house thing too. All I am going to say about that.
Am close to tears still. Strange how deep we can keep this stuff. I honestly do not l ike who he is now at all. My sweet man is dead.
Wow, what a terrible nightmare. I am sorry you had such a terrible dream, and that it had such an effect on you. I will be praying that you will find some peace after having such a horrible nightmare.
Kimmy
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I wanted to go home, kept wanting to go home. They were doing demolition. Then I realised they were NOT.
Then I was with AH wanting to go home! scared. I decide to walk home, 20 miles away...am walking down this dirt road, where there were all these hispanic homes and druggy people doing the drugs! ug. I was trying to be cool got away. someone tossed a puppy out of a car I had to deal with....
I was terrified of my house thing too. All I am going to say about that.
((((((Deb))))) these are the bits of your post that are shouting at me, theres a lot of uncertainty round your home at the moment, your Eden, so Im not surprised youre dreaming like this. Hang in there honey........sending you warmest love and hugs.
Sorry you had such a terrible dream. I wonder if you're just such a caring person that once someone or something (pets lets say) enter your life, that you just can't cut that connection you feel to them. Even if you let them go, you still feel a connection. By this time you know how to care of yourself so I won't suggest anything
You were picking wildflowers and found a puppy Does not surprise me at all.
I have some ugly dreams sometimes too.Waking up with those feelings is rough and can make all that pain come back. The only bright side I can find in it is that at least that ugly glob is not still hidden in my head, it made its way out.
Big hugs from me and a slobby smooch from the moooostiff
I am so sorry. It is normal to have deep residual pain from loss of something that was that will never be. The house being such a part of you stirs feelings. From time to time, I have terrifying nightmares still, too. I'll pray it is resolved to your favor as soon as possible.
You have been here so many times before. The pain is still embedded. Let go of it honey, you don't need this.
It is enough to survive the traumas of the past, however, at some stage you have to let go. And you know I appreciate how hard that is to do. It is like cutting the umbilical cord. One has to do that so that the baby grows.
Right now, you are that precious baby and you need to let that cord be cut, so that you can grow into that beautiful healthy person that deserves to be able to cope with the rest of what life is at THIS time.
Don't stay in the past, let go, and come fill your lungs with health. Any sort of stress seems to bring back the past. You don't need that past, the present is stressful enough.
Take care my dear friend. Go pick the wild flowers on your mountainside and breathe in the wholeness of the beauty and the positiveness and the new strength and the avenues of love that are opened to you each day as you live in Eden with your rescued animals. THEY depend on you an, in a way, you depend on being able to have them depend on you as you nurture them and love them so this is a mutually satisfactory arrangement.
Go get that horse of yours and blow in his nostrils and let him respond by nuzzling up to you. Whistle for that dog of yours and ruffle his fur, whilst watching his waggy tail. Take in the space and the air and the beauty of your mountain and smile that you are not in living in a city with thick carbon-monoxide fumes contaminating your personal space. Hold on to the fact that you have a big heart and have known love, and DO know love, even now.
With my love from across this grey, cold pond that separates us.
Going to go make a cup of Camomile tea and snuggle up and envisage us sitting together and being simply companionable for each other.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Hugs and prayers going your way ! Sorry you had such a horrible nightmare.... I have had those nightmares that seem so real and I just can't seem to shake them off when I wake up. Blessings
honestly I think dreams/nightmares and ptsd can be the mind's way of processing things. (((( debilyn )))) yes we will all die, that is part of the human condition. You can only own, be responsible for and take accountability for your part in life. Forgive yourself for doing your best with what you had at the time, forgive yourself for anything u can (i had to grieve the fantasies of what I thought my life, "should be") and turn it over to the HP willingly surrendering it and feel that divine love you fill you up and love you the best you can right now.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Does not surprise me at all. 
