The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been working hard at my steps and starting to skim the surface of Step 4. I've had a few slips but I've gotten back on the horse and I've caught myself a LOT quicker.
My AH has been (supposedly, but none of my business) sober for over 3 months now and I have noticed marked changes in his behavior. This is probably the first time that I've felt different and more compassion towards him. He's been out of the house for 9 months now and I have enjoyed the serenity and quiet (well as much as you can have with a child in the house). But as of late, he has been more responsible, attentive and acting like a father and husband.
I have been doing my own work and am feeling actual contentment and serenity in my life. My AH even mentioned that he noticed my eyes have been smiling a lot and that it scares him because I don't 'need' him.
I responded and said, yes you are right, I don't need you but I still do enjoy spending time with you (when he's sober but that's been my boundary this whole time he's been out of the house)
Last weekend out of the blue I asked him to sleep over (huge step for me) and we had a wonderful evening and our 15 month old son was just too adorable when he woke up and found his father there (big grins).
I am trying to follow my HP's signals and follow my gut. I haven't told my Sober AH that I am considering allowing him back in the home. But in my mind, I have some requirements that must be accomplished. 1. I want him to be sober a bit longer and continue to work his program (he's seeing an addiction therapist every week but only attending AA meetings occasionally and doesn't have a sponsor) 2. I'd like for us to go to marriage counceling but I have told him that he has to set it up. 3. I'd like to continue working my steps and see what I learn.
So these are my boundaries however I feel like somehow I'm convincing myself about all this because I so badly want to have a marriage and the sober man I love back.
I am seeing growth in myself and learning that there doesn't have to be all black & white and having him sleep over for a night was that grey area for me and that's OK. I felt good about it the next day even.
I still have fear but I also feel like I have a plan Be (be myself!) if or when he does move back in, I won't fall into my old patterns (even if he does) and I will stand by my boundaries. I just want my son to grow up in a healthy home and I want ME to be HAPPY with ME. (Nothing to do with my AH)
I guess I'll just have to wait until my HP shows me it's the right time for action.
I think I just needed to get these thoughts out, thanks for being here!
Sounds like awesome growth and awareness, on your part.... I truly believe that most A's have that "radar" to know when we really do NOT need them anymore, and/or are no longer using them as our so-called "tin god"....
Good stuff all around Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sounds like you are on the right path Funny how A's are threatned when they see that we can carry on just fine without them, it throws them way off balance as they are so used to being able to manipulating us. My son is an addict and has been in jail almost a year, due to get out soon. We had long ago advised him coming home without a very good amount of recovery under his belt. We have found him a sober living facility. But while he has been gone I have thrown myself full force into my program, my husband uses his church as his way of dealing. But watching my son see that my husband and I have carried on quite nicely while he has been out of the house, I saw at first he didn't like it, somehow saw it as abandonment but he has now come to see that while we love him uncondtionally we are now putting our needs first and has come to understand that. You know in the A's mind it is all about them...when they find out it is not it is a big eye opener , for the better I think Keep on working your program wishing you all the best Blessings
I so badly want to have a marriage and the sober man I love back.
You sound great, working your program, thinking and reasoning things out.
This one line concerned me. An addict is an addict, totally. Sober, drunk, on program, off program, they are still who they are.
Of course we all wish we could have the sober on program person all the time. For me, I learned to love him no matter what If he was not violent, I learned to be able to be ok with him if he drank.
We cannot control whether they use or not. If marriage is forever, we just do not know what will happen.
Your boundarys are great.
I guess I want to encourage you and others to work the program, get your skills down. It is not easy to face how very sick they are. It is not always possible they will stay sober on program for a week a day a year ten years. We just do not know. They don't know either.
For me, I wanted to love him, which I did. Unconditionally. As I have shared before, if he had not changed after the brain surgery so drastically I would have lived with him.
Anyway I am so glad you guys are doing well. hugs,debilyn
We have to agree that while drinking there one person, when sober they are themselves, again. It has helped me see that the drinking alters them to act without boundaries. To the heights of craziness that is hard for us spouses to be able to handle. Even the professionals cant get a handle on a drunk that has to continue to act in such willfull ways.
I have been apart from the alcoholic now for over two years and while still seeing the A occasionally, It has helped me to be not so emotionally invested in his behaviors. It has enabled me to see him from another perspective. That the disease is real and he is dealing with it in the best way he can. I wish him sobriety. That may never come. Alcoholism is a lifetime struggle. I know he doesnt drink the hard stuff anymore, since he ruptured his esophagus in June, he does drink beer but not to the point of being fall down drunk. He's not perfect, but he is better. Trying to live his life in his way. Without any suggestions from me.
apart or together we have to stay in our own lanes and only have domain over our own lives.
This is the best I have felt in years. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 13th of November 2010 02:49:53 PM
