The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife had her last drinking episode a week ago today. After that, she said she is done. I posted about this previously. She has been wonderful since then...very honest and open about what she has done, willing to keep doing the work, admitting she is powerless, embracing AA...it's been a great week.
But it's been challenging for me also. There is a newfound focus on is she drinking? Will she drink? This is a vulnerable time for her, is she going to slip?. Before she stopped I had learned to let all of that go, but now it is coming back a bit. I know not to think that way but its very hard not to. Almost impossible not to.
The other issue is that it becomes very difficult to detach or continue detachment when they stop drinking. My wife is asking me for help and Im happy to offer it, but part of me feels like Im being pulled back into this. I gave the example the other day about her asking me to go grocery shopping with her. And really, I want to be with her now. For this week shes been wonderful and Im enjoying spending time with her. But if she slips, its going to be so hard to just re-detach myself. I never really was able to do that effectively anywaybut its going to be even harder after weve been gradually connecting again.
Anyway, Im not necessarily looking for advice but if anyone has been in this situation Id be curious to hear how they dealt with these and other challenges. Believe me, Im thrilled to be in this situation and Id much rather have these problems then not. But it is a bit tricky. More than a bit, actuallyI know that the key is to focus on me and keep working the programbut I feel like Ive been thrown a curve ball.
Early sobriety is really hard - on both of you....
One "boundary" that I would suggest, is to not allow yourself to get sucked into any kind of "sponsor-like" role with regards to your wife.... She has a support mechanism in place for that, and quite frankly, we are typically too close to the person to be of any value....
The good news - early sobriety (for her) is a perfect time for you to dive head first into your recovery - she is going to be quite consumed in hers, for the time being - what an awesome time for you to work on you, and to turn that focus/fear back onto you...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I don't like the "slip" word. It is relapse. JUST me. When they relapse they start all over on their time sober.
Most everyone goes thru this. I mean us being anxious.
My ex AH would come home, be sober a month then relapse, or a week or a few months.
Yes it happens. It is part of being an A. It is another symptom of the disease we need to detach from is all. `
One day at a time. Enjoy it all each day, get thru it all one day. I would say the serenity prayer over and over.
We cannot control it, that which we cannot control, we don't even think about it.
I use analogies.
They dig a beautiful resourvor. But we know ever summer the water will go down, will it go clear down, will the fish die? Can we get our boats in it?
can I control this? no,so I don't think about it.
I cannot stop a river, I cannot make it rain, I cannot make anyone love me.
That which I cannot control, I don't bother to worry about it.
A would be a sweetie for a month, was so nice. Then something vile would come out of his mouth, that was that. I went on, loved him, still held hands. NOTHING was different!! HE is an A will always be an A with relapse, good time, hard time, drunk time, drunk time but ok to be around drunk time where he is such a turkey i totally detach, love him but go see my friends more.
A person is a total PACKAGE. Good and bad, warts and all. We just love them. Love them thru it all. Al Anon is the key to learn to be this kind of person. For me it is my HP more than anything. I am very Bible based being a JW.
We learn to love unconditionally period. They are sick, they are delightful, they are obnoxious, they are human.
When we love someone and we learn NOT to bounce off their stuff, it is soooo much nicer.
My son is very difficult. Probably bi polar. not sure but he is one who is very powerful. I had to learn if he was a brat, to ignore it, NOT my stuff!
now recently I could not help it and reacted to it. I was very ill right after surgery.
I learned not to gauge his voice when I call him to see if he was in a grumpy mood or ok.
I just always be ME.
It is a concept that we can get by living Al Anon skills.
I know for me too, it was he was my friend first. VERY important. So when the other guy, the term he used, came around, I switched to "friend mode." Was actuallly very ok.
I am so glad she is in AA and working so hard. But we learn we are not their counselor. We can support but not help.
If we always go with them, if it becomes a crutch, she is not learning the skills to do it on her own. We do them no favors.
You are doing great. Are you going to Al anon meetings? That would help your marriage big time. There are ones on here too. Very good meetings.
This is actually the perfect time for you to continue practicing detachment. If your wife is attending AA and I think you said she was, she is going to get all the support she needs...her program will do that for her Early recovery can sometimes be just a rough as when the person is drinking, as they embrace the concept of recovery they are going to appear very self centered, they may not feel comfortable sharing things with you that they will share with a fellow A in recovery, they may push you out of the way for a while as they work thier program. Remember thay are fighting for thier lives and all thier efforts, concentration and attention will be geared toward that recovery. Leave her to her recovery... right now you are already projecting a possible relapse and how you will handle it, you have put your focus back on her and off yourself. Get back into your recovery and put the focus back on you. You are going to need it weather she is drinking or not. And remember your recovery can aide in the recovery of others Blessings
My ABF was sober for 6 months last year then slipped when his nephew died. He was in and out of drink for 9 months and is now in rehab been sobr for nearly 3 months getting really strong in recovery. I have found that I seem to slip when he gets into recovery when drinking as yo said I know I have to let him fall face consequences I must detach and look after me. When he stops I have so much admiration for him, I want to stop his pain make it as easy as I can. BUT THIS IS MY ADDICTION. He needs me to be consistent whether he is drinking or not. He is 35 years old and needs to be responsible for him self then his self estemm grows which is the best thing that fights this illness. I can so relate to how tough and confusing early sobriety can be. I just keep coming back and learning and things get better. There is an al anon book called living with sobriety which I find very helpful.
Yes, I have been where you are. I came to realize that if she sliped, (had a relapse), it is what it is. I supported her without discussing it with her. She had her program. She had her sponsor. She had her HP. She was doing this for herself, not for me. Nothing I did or didn't do would keep her sober. That was not my responsibility implied or unimplied. I tried to not act any different. She knew without saying I was proud of her. We could go places and do things we hadn't been able to do in years. I had the girl I married back. She knew she had my support. We were able to get back so many things the disease had taken away.
There is always a great chance there will be slips, that's the nature of the beast. My AW has been sober only once in our 19 year marriage, from April 15th 2009 until Dec. 24th 2009. She told me on Dec. 23rd last year that this would be the first Christmas in her adult life she had been sober, and then she said, "But it's sooooo hard." I gave her a hug. The hug said all we needed to say. We both knew. I had an uneasy feeling. Twenty four hours later my uneasy feeling was confirmed, she was back drinking. She started back as though the soberity had never happened. She hasn't stopped and I have never mentioned a single word to her about her drinking. The program taught me that. Her soberity gave me 8 months to put the focus on myself. I am thankful and still cherish those 8 months because they were the best months of our marriage. My hope and prayer is that she will one day be willing to fight the battle again as your AW is fighting now. Until then I will continue doing what I did before, during, and after......put the focus on myself, continue going to my f2f meetings, coming to MIP, and always taking care of myself first.
My hope and prayer is that your AW stays sober. But your thinking, worrying, or wasting your energy and serenity is not where the focus should be. Take care of yourself. She is going to drink or she is not going to drink. What's important is what are you going to do. My wife is in the hands of my HP. Almost two years ago I turned her over to HP 100% and then got out of HP's way. That is the best thing I ever did for myself. It's the best thing I could have done for my wife. Remember HP doesn't make mistakes..........I know I made my share during the time I "thought" I was in charge.
You do whatever is best for you...............with HP"s guidance.
I'm pretty sure your suspicions/feelings are normal. We spend yrs. hearing excuses, fibs and denials. So, *poof*, they are sober and it's hard not to be suspect.
When my husband got sober I couldn't help but wonder when the rug was going to be pulled out from under me. I'd spent over 20 yrs. enmeshed in the disease. I couldn't wrap my brain around it being out of my life. Slowly, I became used to it, began to trust him again and learned to breathe easier.
What helped me is seeing it for what it was (in my case). Fear. Fear that he would slip. Fear that what we were building and rekindling together in sobriety might leave again. Personally, I think it is only human. I mean, isn't that what we all really dream of? A sober spouse seeking recovery? Yes, we can be happy whether they are drinking or not, but lets face it, the "not" is much easier.
I was forced to pick up the Alanon tool box and pull out "live in the now". I didn't want the good times to be tainted by my fear of something that may never happen. If it did, it did. But it hadn't and it wasn't "right now". I decided I didn't want to give any more of my time to the disease. It had taken enough from me.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am going through this right now with my now-recovering AH. It is natural to be skittish about when the next shoe will fall. Despite his supposedly having 4 months of sobriety, I believe that there were two "slips/relapses" in there. The first was devastating to me. IMHO, I handled the second one much better -- detached, walked away, did not engage, left for the evening.
I believe I have told you this before -- perhaps you should havce a plan in place ("plan B") on what you would do to protect your serenity if she does relapse.
I also agree that the spouse should resist trying to become sponsor-like. I ask my AH the bare minimum about what is going on with his meetings & his sponsor. He can share if he chooses to.
Perhaps most important, I am slowly learning how to use the slogan ' one day at a time' in a positive sense. This great day with my sober AH is the day I have -- enjoy it!! Don't look into the future and ask what if? Or dread what may come tomorrow. I am finding this mindset is helping me enjoy him and realize how very hard he is trying to make it up to me and our kids every day of his life.
Congrats on AW taking steps toward recovery. Enjoy her good days and continue working on YOU.
