The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and we are both pleased with the progress I'm making. We talked about areas where I'm having an easier time detaching, versus areas where it's still a challenge.
One of my more challenging areas is not getting worried/anxious when my AH and i don't talk or text during the day as much as we used to. Even though this is largely because the cell service where he is working is very spotty, it still causes anxiety for me...sometimes even at the level of panic.
We talked about why this is, and as I talked and thought through my reactions and feelings, this was my process:
I worry that when he's not in contact with me, it's because he is angry or resentful. I worry that instead of communicating with me, he is complaining about me to the guys he works with.
As I dug down into that fear, I acknowledged that my AH is a very private person, and not inclined to discuss his personal business with anyone. I have had people tell me that they have tried to have "heart to heart" talks with him about what is bothering him (his depression is plainly obvious to everyone around him at this point), and he will not engage them. So the real world chances that he is actually badmouthing me are small.
Furthermore, who cares? If he complains about me, that's his choice and his right. And as for the people he works with...the ones whose opinion I respect already know I am a good person, and the rest are people whose opinion really doesn't matter to me.
Then I worked through my fear that we don't communicate as much because he doesn't want to talk/text with me like he used to. Again, as I drilled down, my realization was "who cares?" Just because he's less communicative doesn't mean it has anything to do with how he feels about me. Lord knows there are times when I just prefer some quiet. And if he IS mad or resentful toward me...who cares? Chances are his anger and resentment are misplaced and a function of his disease, and I can't control those things. And if he has a legitimate reason to feel badly toward me, it is his responsibility to discuss that with me in an adult manner. If he chooses to internalize it and seethe about it, I can't control that either.
So...I made a lot of strides yesterday about this particular anxiety. If he doesn't want to talk as much...who cares?
I love this topic! Thanks for sharing and great job on working through that one! Perhaps you can help me work through the other side of it . . .
I am on the other side of the fence and it gets me into trouble so very often.
I don't communicate much. I am a quiet person for the most part. I HATE the introduction of cell phones and texting. There is nothing special I need to say that many times a day. Sure - it is fun in the beginning of a relationship to communicate more - but eventually the honeymoon is over.
I get so overwhelmed and just SATURATED from people who call/text/email several times a day and then get upset if they don't get a response quickly. I have a job and a life I need to focus on. I don't have anything that exciting to say! If I don't say something all day or for a couple of days - guess what - there is going to be more to talk about next time we talk.
This was a MAJOR issue in my relationship with my exA. He would start obsessing if I wasn't available to him constantly, start snooping, start making accusations. The last incident he threatened to ruin my career.
All because the minute he started freaking out about me not being available I backed off - quickly and severely. I should have talked to him instead of pulling away - but how many times do I have to explain it? I've explained in nicely, I've explained it not so nicely. How many years do we have to do this before it clicks? The funny thing is - he cheated on me! I gave him complete freedom and rarely got upset about missed phone calls, time out with friends - all of it. But I WAS treated like that. Absolutely no freedom.
I am not saying what you are doing is bad or that you are even close to what my exA did. I am just trying to wrap my brain around that behavior and my reaction. What I am hoping for here is some insight to both sides of this situation. Obviously I am doing something wrong here. This is an issue with friends, family, and sig others. It is a huge trigger for me and perhaps understanding a bit more about what they are experiencing I will be able to navigate this better.
Thanks for sharing - I hope this doesn't upset you. Just looking for some insight.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Oh Tricia, I am not upset or offended in any way! One of the things I love about this group is that we can all bring our different experiences here, and it helps us underselves and our As better.
I am very aware that the close phone/text contact between my AH and me is also a manifestation of our codependency. That's one of the reasons I'm trying to evaluate how I handle this issue. I don't think that it's right or wrong to have more or less contact with someone. Like you said...each of us has our own comfort level in this area. I have a good friend who was in the very early stages of a relationship, and the woman he was getting involved with was adamant that they talk more during the day. It just wasn't on his radar screen, and it wasn't something that was important to him. It caused a lot of conflict very early on, and ultimately they just couldn't make it work.
I think it sounds like you are handling it as best you can. You explain your position in a rational, kind way (Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind). And if other people can't accept your feelings on the matter...well, that's their problem. I would imagine that they have other relationships/friendships, past and present, where very frequent contact was the norm. They carry that over to you, and expect the same from you. And remember what we learn here about expectations...just as your expectations of other people are damaging to you, their expectations of you are damaging to you and your relationship with them.
As for your ex-A...since he was the one cheating, I would imagine that he was projecting his own issues/mistakes/choices onto you. He knew he was doing things he shouldn't...things that were betraying your relationship, so he immediately latched on to the smallest "sign" that you were doing the same. It sounds as though he wanted all the power in the relationship--it made him feel powerful to be the one cheating, and to feel like he could keep you under a microscope.
Thanks for the hug, I needed it. It just seems to be never ending and I guess I am a little raw about it. Like yesterday - 10am - I work from home and am in a very important meeting with one of my largest partners. My brother calls - then he calls again 5 mins later. You know . . . in my book that better mean I am on the way to the ER! I called him that night - nothing important. When BOTH of my brothers get in the mode at the same time - then the exA used to do it too - it made for very uncomfortable days. I might get 4 or 5 calls from my bros and 5 - 10 from my exA. Leaves little time to get anything done and makes for pretty boring conversations. Total time suck. Doesn't matter how many times I tell them - they keep doing it.
Then they get mad at me for "putting them on ignore".
Pffft.
They love me (my bros), I know that and try to be grateful . . . but jeeez!!!
I needed your reassurance - thanks. I feel much better.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
