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Whenever AH is drinking or even if I suspect he is, I find myself disagreeing with every thing he says or does. I usually keep my mouth shut and avoid argument. Actually, I find that I have to completely avoid him. Even if what he says makes sense - I don't want to agree with him because I can't let go of the fact that he is drinking again and trying to hide. I'm not sure if he thinks I am that naive or just plain blind that he thinks I won't know he has been drinking. I can usually tell if he has had even 1 beer. The more he's had - the easier it is to know. I have accepted that I can't control his drinking and for the most part - I've stopped looking for the physical evidence but the mental aspect of this is driving me insane. I find that when I know he has been drinking - it affects my attitude with everybody. I am normally a very calm, happy, optimistic person but when he drinks I get stressed and my responses are short and then I feel horrible. I also run a home business (AH is supposed to run it with me but mostly I run it alone) and my attitude carries into the business too. I know I have a long ways to go but I can't seem to get past this. I pay more attention to my attitude and try not to let it get altered by him and it usually works as long as he's not around me. Anybody been where I'm at and managed to get past it?
Yes I have been there. My earlier post today talks about realizing that I don't have to take on that "responsibility" for the disease. Last night I got the Courage to Change book and looked in the back for detachment. I read all the excerpts on detachment. It is vital to me that I detach from my husband's disease and also from my dad's disease. If I don't detach, I become unable to get on with the things that are important in MY life. It is not healthy for me to constantly think about whether they are using, how much, what they are doing, etc.
The art of detachment is one that I truly need to keep focusing on. Sometimes I just shout it in my head over and over. I am grateful for it. I never knew what it was until recently, so I am not that great at it, but when I practice it in my life it is wonderful.
I deal with a form of this. For me, it's not so much disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing, but feeling like I need to "prove" that I am "right."
I'm learning, slowly, that I would rather be happy than be right. And just because I choose not to "prove" I am right, doesn't mean I am saying I am wrong. Instead, it is an unspoken acknowledgement that I think one thing, while my AH thinks something else. And that's OK. Obviously, serious issues that affect our whole family warrant discussion and boundary-setting. But most things...it's just not necesary to fight over them, and the conflict only serves to ramp up my anxiety and agitation. So instead, I'm trying to just let them be.
I find this hard as well.....mostly I can't keep an open mind about detaching from all the things that bother me. i also have a hard to time accepting the idea that it doesn't matter what's going on around me, that i should be just as happy as if everything was great.....i really don't think I'll ever be able to do that.
I have learned that detaching means allowing the other person to be who they are and not trying to control, expect, coerce, force solutions etc onto the person. This goes for people, places, things, situations, outcomes, etc. I am powerless over everything but me and my reactions. I am not perfect, I slip and fall and relapse too. But I try to not let what someone is doing cause me to lose my serenity. Its not easy... I am working on it. It works if you work it, I use the tools, have a sponsor and try to keep the focus on solely me. Little by little, day by day, its happening :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
wow, what a great thread! ((( hugs sunshine mama ))) The answer to your question is in your first sentence. Take a long long look at that line. When we focus on another person ~ we lose us and feed the disease(d thoughts) for everyone us and them. We trigger each other and are constantly reacting to each other - until we learn to halt the sick dynamic of the disease. This means rescuing yourself and doing what it takes including reparenting and nurturing yourself as it comes up in program/life - bc believe me all kids can find ways in which their parents failed them. As adults we can choose to change. I found a lot of my root beliefs and thinking came from family beliefs that I did no longer find - served me. For example lying for your parents like to other adults - it is weird and it feels wrong. And yet oour parents are telling us to do this wrong thing and justifying it. I dont have to lie to protect anyone anymore.
So yes, u get nuts and go insane when u focus on what ur husband is or is not doing -and- u cannot even be civil. I was that way too - I understand. I was so angry and so comfortalbe blaming others, that I did fuss and complain and blame and accuse a lot, I did that to my parents until I was 36 and found myself landed back in alanon. Twenty fouor years later, I could see my way didnt work, so I became much more willing to try to listen and apply -experimentally- the tools in this program. I did not want to have to change and I had so much resentment for them - my mom and her AH and all the years of their antics together with the disease- ugh!- and then, my own too. I was so into the manipulating. Oh ya and I love to argue, fight and discuss ad nauseum just about anything - esp ideas and abstract subjects and god which everyone was uncomfortalbe hearing about in life that and feelings. No one wanted to share them and I was always honest and shared mine. Not pleasant with no other coping skills.
I learned how very sick I was and more - a while ago, I read that watch out for people that may not take no for an answer, that there is something wrong with that. Well, I was doing that too. That is insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Not hearing that "no" is a sign of a real serious lack of boundaries and respect.
I also agree with what mj said, I cannot pretend to be ok emotionally when I am not and I never ever have done that. And accepting unacceptable behavior is not okay. If something is unacceptable to YOU, that is what the boundary is for - so you can learn to take care of YOU emotionally. If u know ur not going to be civil and will fight - and that feeds the disease and adds negativity to all -- why not do something else, for you. Walk away, take a break, go read a book, call a friend, call an alanon friend, scream in ur pillow, get down and pray to HP and forgive you for whatver u can, get willing to change, if u want to feel better, cahnge your focus, stop attemtping to control other people and get focused on saving, changing, fixing, rescuing and discovering the YOU within. Welcome to MIP and alanon! Hope u stay for the miracle.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Been there done that and have the tee shirt to prove it !
My A is my son...his drug use and attitude completly affected how my day or night would go. Then as I worked ( really worked) my program I learned the more focus I put on my son the more I let my program slide and would get sucked into my son's world instead of working on my own. Your husband is going to do as he pleases...it is now up to you as to how you handle things. The less you focus on your husband and put the focus back on you and your recovery the better you will feel about yourself and life it's self. Your job is to work on you and only you as you and your actions are the only thing you can control. Please keep working your program Blessings
You have said that you have to avoid him when he is drinking. Why not do so? Tell him calmly when he is sober that you are not comfortable being around him when he has been drinking (probably a big understatement) and that you will no longer do so. then the next time it happens, leave the room, leave the house, go shopping, watch a movie etc. I have drawn that boundary with my recovering AH and it feels so much better to have the boundary drawn and communicated. I feel stronger for it.
It really clicked for me what you said about when he is drinking, you disagree with everything he says or does.
I got to the point where I never wanted to hear one opinion or anything he had to say about anything. I didn't care one bit. My way of thinking about the situation was the "right" way. Or anybody that wasn't him had a better way as well. I never wanted to agree with a thing he said, probably because I didn't agree with the things he was doing.
My cheery upbeatness would change in an instant when I knew he was smoking. Usually I would just leave and go home.
I agree with the other posters. Read up on detachment and setting boundaries. It has changed a lot of the ways I handle things, not just with him.
