The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was not going to do any recovery work today, just take a day off, because I spend most of my time helping others or working on myself.
Well, tonight my a's behavior got to me.
He like to be passive-aggressive and say yes when he means no.
Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to eat with him at Jack in the Box tonight and I said sure, if you want to.
Then we get there and he doesn't feel like looking for a parking place. He then goes, "Let's just go home. I have to use the bathroom anyway."
And he's really grumpy, too.
And I had this feeling he really didn't want to have dinner with me because he was annoyed with me about something earlier (which I thought we'd already cleared up!)
I go, "We always have dinner together after work. Why should tonight be any different?"
He goes, "Well, the traffic..."
I go, "If you don't wanna have dinner with me, say so!"
He goes, "I do." But he says it angrily. "Look how busy it is tonight!"
I go, "I don't know why it's so busy, either, but please don't get mad at me unless you need to tell me something, okay?"
He goes, "I'm not mad!"
Angrily.
I go, "Don't say yes when you mean no!"
He (angrily) finds a parking place.
We go into the restaurant.
But I can't deal with his anger.
Anymore.
I told him, "Look, if you're mad at me, I want you to talk about it, not just act angry!"
He goes into the bathroom.
I left.
I walked home.
He's sober now, but he doesn't have any skills yet to talk to me. He still relies on his body language to talk to me.
As someone who is also passive aggressive with poor communication skills I can tell you it is difficult to change. One thing my exA did every so often was be gentle and use "I" messages. When his messages started with "You are" or "You should" I would just clam up more which would make future communications harder. It is a slow road for sure.
It may not be about you at all. Then again, it may . . . who knows? But I know that learning to communicate properly is a REALLY scary thing and it takes patience from the partner. I know it doesn't seem fair - but really it is very hard to feel safe to say what you are feeling to someone else when you a: you never have because you weren't raised that way or b: when you have tried in the past it has been met with judgement, anger, and abandonment. I am not saying that you gave him this past behavior . . . just speaking from my own experience.
For me it is PURELY fear based. Expressing my feeling as a child was forbidden and as an adult is quickly patronized by my family. Then to be in an abusive relationship where you finally try and it is met with anger, vulgarity, name calling, and blame shifting set me back a LOT.
When my exA was successful it was "When you do X I feel Y." It was so disarming and impossible to argue with or get defensive.
It is so very difficult to get past this. I work on it a little at a time. I hope that helps. Just purely my experience - it may not apply to your situation.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
This is a very good topic...passive aggressive behavior. As an ACA I can relate so much in my own life. Learning to communicate without passive aggressive behavior is very hard for some of us. I've been wondering whether I will ever be able to let go of this behavior that has been a part of my life for over 60 years!! My awareness level is high. My behavior doesn't seem to want to cooperate. My powerlessness keeps taking me back to feeling very humbled...often...daily. Post traumatic stress plays a huge role in my behavior. When it gets activated suddenly, it is so hard for me to pull myself out. Even having a Higher Power doesn't seem to be "enough". I can use my program AFTERWARDS to sort through things, but seem to be very, very powerless over PTSD, which can be the catalyst for my P.A. behavior. As is said in another program "Resentment is the number one offender". In researching this embarrassing behavior, resentment is a triggering factor in passive aggression. It's about self-victimization, which is another related behavior that can throw me completely "off".
The two posts on this thread contain experience, strenghth, and hope. As I work on my recovery, one thing has become clear. Unconditional love (sometimes detaching with love?) plays a huge part in any recovery process. It isn't mentioned much, per se, but when sorting through my own recovery, unconditional love for self and others is really at the heart of being whole. This morning, these posts are a good reminder for me to Keep It Simple, Let Go and Let God, and to Keep Coming Back, It works if you work it.
Youll see when youll see Youll hear when youll hear Youll work it when youre ready In Gods time, on time, all time is Gods time
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Gratefully recovering today with the experience, strength and hope of my fellow travelers.
Thank you for this post - it helped me to understand a little about the effect my behavior might have on other people. My AH isn't passive aggressive, but boy I sure am. I am working on owning this behavior as it happens, apologizing, and then stating how I really feel. I think I ended up as passive aggressive as I did because I was not allowed to express feelings as a child. Also, my parents were extremely passive aggressive with each other - so, while I could see the behavior and really not like it as a child I ended up mirroring it myself as an adult. It's been an extremely hard thing to change about myself, but I'm working on it. Thanks for the reminder of how my behavior feeds into the sickness.
Oooh sore topic for me, as I am so very passive agressive. The other thing I do is use sarcasm as a defence mechinism. And when I am in denial, I am using one of my survival mechinisms... I am learning too that the best thing I can do is keep my focus on me and turn things over to my HP. I am passive agressive when I am feeling resentful or angry and instead of being honest and saying what I mean and meaning what I say and not saying it mean, I say things in jest that I don't really mean at all. So I am working on it. Great post! Thank you! Keep coming back
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Niether my husband or I are A's but we are Acoa's and alanons We are both passive aggressive in our own ways. It makes for great fun sometimes because when you are both passive aggressive sometimes all you can do is laugh at the outcome. We are big do it yourselfer's, sometimes it gets a little overwhelming if we have a big job going on and I just wanna break for one night, so will ask Husband please don't do such and such today I just need a break. He will agree, and I will come home and te exact thing i asked him not to do has been done and he has a sheepish grin. For me if I am angry I assume my husband should read my mind, know exactly what I am angry about and fix it and when that doesn't happen I try the silent treatment. I guess the good news in all this is that after 30 yrs of marriage we have figured each other out to the point we can already predict what the other is doing or going to do. So it doesn't last very long anymore in our house and we usually end up just laughing about it. All part of the craziness of this disease Blessings
