The material presented
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I am sure it comes from his own problems with low self esteem, because he is SUCH a braggart and always has been, about how great he does everything, and how great they think he is at work. Honestly I would have agreed up till a couple months ago, I thought he was the greatest thing ever and he said I made him feel like a king.
Then the alcoholism became too big to ignore and became a serious issue between us. The whole dynamic has changed. In trying too hard to detach from him, I think I have become cold. And sarcastic and mean. Even though I know if's for my own self protection but it's still mean jokes at his expense. I can't stop.
ANYWAY that brings us to him trying to make me jealous, but now it's about other women. From the neighbor lady he always says is flirting with him. To some outrageous comments he made about these spots on his mattress (I'll spare you the details but he was trying to make me jealous of past women) to the most idiotic comment, about how some religious sect that allows polygamy could be a good thing because then he could have four wives, blah blah blah. I let it get under my skin and have started sleeping on the couch.
Should I even take offense to this? Or blow it off? But if I should just laugh it off, how?
I totally see how I am letting him control my behavior but I don't know how to stop. Pleas help me?
Those are just the ramblings of a sick man. You have the tools to stop allowing him to manipulate you. You can do it!! Take care of you first. You don't have to listen to that.
Remember the book Getting them Sober? If I can recall, don't you have a copy? Might I suggest reading the chapter 38 until the end? This has really helped me a lot. The book tells us how to deal with their arrogance.
I can only speak from my own experience with this issue and it is not an experiece with a spouse or partner. When my brother was an active addict and I was raising his daughter he would show up high to see her once and a while. And a fight would ensue between the two of us. I would say mean hurtful things. I think we get to the point where we don't consider the A's feelings and that they can be hurt by our words and actions. For my brother his way of hurting me back would be to tell me how he had a closer relationship with God than I did because he went to church and I did not. He knew this was a sore spot with me as at the time I considered myself a spirtiual person but had no interest in organized religion. So thats where he would zone in to hurt my feelings back. Fast forward 20+ years my own son is now an addict. I pre alanon I went through phases where I did not treat him very well...thinking he would change to get back that "mothers love". When that didn't work I would yell and scream nasty things to him trying to get him to "wake up" and want to change. Of course that didn't work. But it hurt him that I would treat him that way or say mean things to him. His get back so to speak would be to brag about how much more intelligent he is than I am. And it is true...IQ wise he is genius level where as I am pretty sure I am about average. So he is right there. I guess what I am trying to say is that somehow we come to believe that because they are A's and get drunk or high and are totally self centered that they are incapable of being hurt by our words or actions. Actually when we are putting the A down we only add to the pain they are already in. At least that is what I have found in my experince. My guess is your bf has been hurt by your words or actions and is striking back in a way he absolutly knows will get under your skin. A's are not stupid or dumb they can read us like a book. They have to in order to get what they want. So if your bf at any time saw that you may be the jealous type he filed that information away to use against you when needed. That's just my 2 cents and my not make sense to anyone but me, I don't know. I have found that when I treat the A's in my life with respect and detach with love things are a lot more peaceful. Keep working your program Blessings
I have had issues with my exAH that were sort of similar. I really agree with the other comments where people have said that these are actions of a sick person.
MAN - I totally relate to the part of your post about grandiosity. My exAH used to go on and on and on about how wonderful he was, and I really believed him at first. And then for the longest time, I told myself he used to be that awesome and would soon be that awesome again - he was just having a rough patch. I WANTED him to be that awesome. And then I realized that he was living in a fantasy. These days, now that he is my ex, if he ever starts up with stuff like that, I just politely break in and tell him that I have to go.
The stuff you wrote about provoking behavior also resonated with me. My exAH used to spend a lot of money when he was drinking. We were pretty broke, and it would always make me kind of panicky about our financial situation when there wasn't enough money for bills but there was enough for booze. I'd see the money he spent, panic, and either let him have it or get totally silent and pissy about it. And then he'd spend even more money. I think that his actions were just simply part of his addiction. That doesn't make them RIGHT, it just explains why. He needed to drink because he is an alcoholic - so he spent money to buy alcohol so he could drink. I felt out of control about it and got fear-stricken and reacted out of fear. And then he felt either guilty or pissed off that I was trying to control him (or both) and get retaliatory about it. The whole thing helped us both stay stuck in our diseases.
I believe that alcoholics have an ability to find whatever they can and use it when they need it to hurt others. That way, they can keep the focus off the real problem. It's a defense mechanism.
I've heard in a meeting that when an A starts talking and is saying hurtful things, imagining that he has a big "S" (for SICK) on his forehead helps keep perspective. And remember that you are not required to listen to things you don't want to listen to. It takes two people to have a conversation.
You're doing a good job working on yourself! Keep practicing, because it does get easier. :)
Someone here once said (I think Jerry F.) "with love, detach". That is what I am learning to do now. THere are days when I still pick on my A about stuff, but those days are few and far between now that I am lovingly detaching from him. I don't have to be mean while I detach, cold, sucker punch him with words that hurt etc. THere was a great thing on Lance Armstrong's website about detachment. Courage to Change has a ton of stuff about detaching and letting go and Letting God (HP). There were nights that I realized I was being totally mean, I changed my body language and words, smiled and said nicer things and the whole world changed. I learned that if I lean in and say something to him with my eyes on his, he feels like I am there and involved in the conversation. Now my bf is not like most A's. He is very sweet, kind, does stuff all day around the house, goes to therapy twice a week, is great with my kids, buys stuff we need, and so on. He doesn't go on about himself at all, which is part of his depression and self worth issues. But he can read me like a book. Even my tone of voice over the phone will tell him something is up, and the man knows if I tell a lie. He can sense from just the slight change in what I am doing with my body if I am mad, upset, sad etc. And I can with him as well. So maybe I am rambling on about body language but I feel as if HP is leading me to... Anyway, nothing changes if nothing changes. That is my motto this week LOL! I am learning to change me, my reactions and responses. I cannot walk around in a mood and expect my bf to not notice. When I change how I feel, I feel better. I keep my focus on me, my happiness, and my side of the street. We cannot force a solution but we can be part of the solution... Take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I get the same thing from mine. It hurts even if you know the person is sick. I know I deserve better. Yet why have a accepted less. I think that is the part that hurts more, that one accepts less than they deserve. You, who area your own best advocate have sold yourself out. That's sick. Why am I broken enough to allow this. That means that we have our own demons and maybe it is just easier to point out someone else's. Ouch.
I remember my sponsor correcting me one time, when I was obsessed with how my AW knew how to "push my buttons", and he quickly corrected me to accept that "I allowed my buttons to be pushed"....
You have done a great job of recognizing his actions for what they are - don't give him the "power" he is seeking, by letting it get to you..... It sure sounds like alcoholic babble to me....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I remember a guy I knew who talked like that. It was like he was trying to get a thrill out of being gross.
He is A.
I guess what you asked is how to not let it get to you. I learned I had to put words in my head.
simple maybe like, thats his problem. Its all bolony anyway .
But you know it is abuse, mental abuse. It sure is not nice talk is it?
You know what, it gets to you becuz you are a lady. How dare he talk like that? maybe it is a boundary that needs to be put out. I expect to be talked to in an appropriate way.
I will tell ya dear lady, I had a friend since i was a teen. I mean a friend only too. Was my AH best bud he grew up with.
A year or so ago he started saying sexual icky things to me. I asked him to stop. He kept saying more stuff. I told him if you talk to me like that I cannot be around you.
He gave me this nice brass bed. Then proceeded to say to me in front of someone, how do you like my bed etc. that was mild compared to other stuff.
I gave up telling him, wrote him a letter telling him to leave me alone, that he was sexually harrassing me and I had had enough.
He always thought he was funny.
So for me, I had to cut him off. I don't need creepy people in my life. Would rather be alone.
If someone loves me and cares they won't talk to me like that, A or not.
My Ah was not mentally abusive against me or nasty like. He would threaten to burn the house down etc.
anyway does this help at all? What makes you believe you have to put up with it, or ignore or make yourself insensitive to his abuse?
I would not allow anyone to talk to anyone I loved if I heard this. Just is not right.
To me it is like, hey my hand hurts when I put it too close to the fire, how do I not let it bother me? duh don't put your hand there.
NOT making light of your situation. YOU my dear have a right to feel bad about this kind of talk.
Just becuz someones disease is talking does not mean we have to put up with it.
We cannot say what makes them do what they do. but we can ask ourselves, what is it about me that I put up with it?
