The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I finalized my breakup with my a bf by giving him back some stuff of his that was at my house. I have never hurt more in my life. I was on my final leg with him because his using has gotten out of control and I just can't do it anymore. At first he was really upset and saying little things to try and hurt me. But I knew it was just because he was hurting. He kept telling me that I was breaking his heart and it was my choice to breakup, that he had nothing to do with it. After him being mean to me for a while and me staying firm and just telling him that I loved him but we weren't right for eachother at this time, he broke down and wouldn't stop hugging me. He kept saying "I can't believe you're leaving me. This is like a horrible nightmare." That hurt more than any of the mean things he was saying before. I have never been in this much pain. He is the love of my life and my best friend and now I don't even know. I just already miss him so much. I feel like a hole has been punched through me and my whole body feels heavy and weak. I know I sound dramatic, and it's not like I've never broken up with someone before. I have just never been so in love before. I feel so empty and alone. I don't know how I'll get by without him. I know that in time it will get better, but for now I'm just really depressed. I don't know what to do.
This is where journalling really helped me.... writing down how I was feeling daily, on the good days AND the bad ones.... if we don't keep that kind of "ledger", when our pain/loneliness kicks in, we often use 'selective memory' and only remember the good memories/qualities..... If your A can win you back just by "missing you", please remember that he will pull on those heartstrings more & more.... What I don't hear is him taking any accountability for his part, or committing to any type of program or sobriety, etc..... I'm afraid at the moment it just sounds like empty promises.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You are definitely in the right place and we are glad to see you here. I remember that pain clearly and all the pleading and threats to take his own life etc. It is so painful. The thought that I would never be happy again was so overwhelming. I remember actually thinking that I would get my kid graduated and out of the house and move off somewhere with him and leave all my family and friends forever . . . I could go be "miserable" with him for the rest of my life. As long as I still had him. I actually knew if I stayed with him I would be unhappy forever . . . but I didn't care.
That was 2 years ago. We are not together and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. It doesn't mean that you have to be without him forever - just today! I got through one day at a time and worked the steps with a sponsor. It was slow going. It was hard - but at the end of it I had changed drastically. We did end up getting back together after a year apart and the old behaviors were no longer tolerable - from him or myself. I just can't live that life anymore.
There is no predicting what is in your future - but you do have the option to take a deep breath, do some serious work on yourself, and once you have secure footing move forward from there. Tom is 100% correct, as long as there is no accountability or change on his part - well - there is no change. But you CAN change yourself. You can find happiness and it comes from within. That temporary happiness I felt when I was with him was not only temporary - it wasn't real.
It is completely and utterly heartbreaking. Time and work on yourself will help. There are so many little suggestions that may help - like journaling, coming here to share what is in your heart, finding hobbies that help and make you smile, for me during the worst part - it inundated myself in kids movies. They made me smile and didn't have any of the manipulation, lies, and vulgarity and experienced everyday with him. Find what works for you.
I am so sorry you are hurting and wish I could take it all away for you. No one can do that but you . . . not even him. But we are here to virtually hold your hand through this. We understand completely.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I am going through sort of the same thing right now. I think we can be here for each other. I am getting my house keys back from him today and I have blocked his phone numbers from mine.
Not to make it about me, but I can understand your pain. I had my big cry yesterday and journaled a lot of the bad stuff that I wanted to say to him. You will be ok. I will be ok.
Finality is very hard. Just remember it is about you and your health. Take care of you and I will be thinking about you. Stay tough as well as you can.
I'm so sorry for where you are right now. But, it sounds to me like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you know you're doing the right thing.
I think Tom is right, he doesn't seem to be taking any responsibility and is putting all the blame on you.
When you wrote "He kept saying "I can't believe you're leaving me. This is like a horrible nightmare." All I could think of was you and the nightmare that you've been living through sober!
You'll receive great support and input from the wonderful folks here. And, while you may not be able to pick us out of a crowd, we're here and we're here for you!
I don't know too many break ups where people are sunny bright, kind and mature. Most of them are not too nice.
Expectations are really the thing that can un end me. I no longer expect people who are alcoholics to behave properly. They are going to be immature. None of them like anything that isn't "their" way.
Break ups are very very hard. Even though the ex A had absolutely decimate my life and destroyed so much I still missed him for a long time. Luckily I was in the program.
I was absolutely desperate to hold onto something that never was.
I don't believe you are dramatic at all. It does hurt horribly! hon I will never forget how I felt when my first husband died, I ran out of the hospital and screamed and screamed.
Then my ex ah was absolutely like someone cut my gut out and left a hole. I didn't think I could ever stop wanting him, grieving him. He had become my best friend too.
You decided, because you chose not to live like it was anymore. It had zero to do with emotions.
Its ok to still love him, grieve, want him. He isn't going anywhere. If you can, give yourself time to get thru a couple days. I did only what I had to do survive. And that was not easy. I always tell people napping is so good, sleeping is what we need.
Maybe at first think of it as a break. One day at a time break. Take little bits of time, at a time.
Believe me we all relate and want you to say what ever you need. It helps to connect. If you can, even if you sit quietly, be around loved ones.
My friend stayed with me for a few nights. Then my sister friend came from Utah to stay with me awhile. I am in Oregon.
I would have him come back for awhile,then he would go over boundaries and I would have him leave again. Had to, to protect me. Each time became easier. The disease was progressing fast so he got more and more sick, more and more abusive, he didn't take care of himself. PLUS I got tired of supporting him.
Anyway give yourself a hug for me, lots of'em. debilyn
