The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You'd think that after twenty years of marriage to a violent AH who served so much time away from home whilst I brought up the family the best I could AND worked full time and had two other jobs to try to make ends meet; and then twenty years of living alone after our divorce I would be used to it by now or would have tamed this beast.
Nope, it refuses to be tamed so I have to do battle with it until it lies back down and goes back to sleep.
The trouble is, as I get older, this Tiger is draining me more when it awakes but today I won the battle and here I am talking with you after spending the morning in my kitchen cooking. I have cooked enough meals now to last all week and I have a friend who is meeting me for coffee before going food shopping.
I have planned to go walking tomorrow come what may, and up my exercise as my health is not good right now.
No matter how far I walk this road to recovery, I still come across the odd hurdle that trips me up for a second or two, however, I have learned from experience not to stay lying on the ground, but to pick myself up, dust myself down and continue my journey.
Even the most seasoned athletes fall from time to time and it would not do them any good to stay down. It is self discipline that succeeds.
I can feel sorry for myself or I can get up and do something about my situation.
I chose NOT to be beaten.
Love to you all this morning.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Sorry to hear of your struggles and I can readily relate to this. I often feel lonely, even while being married. I get no affection, even when there is no conflict. And I'm someone that really craves physical contact: hugs, snuggling etc. And in divorce, if and when it comes, I'm concerned about that loneliness as well. In the past, I'm afraid it made me come across as needy when dating...and even if it didn't, I felt that way. This is a set of feelings that I've just been stuffing as there is not real way to get these needs met at the moment. My daughter gives my hugs and snuggles, but that's a bit different, much as I appreciate it. Same with the dog. I can't remember the last time someone treated me with affection.
I agree that Tiger must be tamed each and every morning. Even with this program I remain wonderfully human. I need to live thiss program and use these tools each and every day.
When I awake I need to: Read my Courage to Change, Come Here, Pray ,Turn My Will and Life Over in the 3 rd Step prayer and then I am ready to do the next right thing.
Glad that you enjoy cooking, I too like to walk and agree that it is a great way to meditate
Have I told you how glad I am that you came back to us? This is a great post. I prefer to think of that lonliness as more of a skunk. It stinks for awhile, but then it eventually goes away. While I can't wash it away with tomatoe juice, I can walk away from it.
Your posts sound so good and strong. Sometimes we need to step away in order to come back. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
mj - I thought you would relate. No matter how strong one is physical love, lack of it is a really strong emotion. I was lonely in my marriage and I am lonely out of it. I am a natural loving, touchy feeling maternal person and the lack of a hug is one thing, the lack of physical/social contact for days on end is another and I have to push through it. I do understand where you are coming from, believe me.
Hotrod - yep, you relate...and you know how long I have been coming back here...even before I was myself (Suzannah that is). It is a daily discipline that has to be conquered and I pray for everyone who feels any of this any time.
Karilynn - oh my, no you had not, but I am so so happy to hear from you my dear. I so have had you in my prayers all this time. I hope your heart is healing and you are finding happiness after the sadness. Wonderful to talk with you honey.
Guess I just needed to let this family know that I am not a superhuman, just a single lady trying to live life the best way she can and continue the healing process.
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
So which mountain do you have in mind and can I come along too, even if it is in spirit I have the stamina to help encourage you too: I will even carry your day pack for you if necessary?
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
For me this post is saying , as good as I am doing I still have hurdles, good day's and bad, I can also relate to lonelyness within a marriage, and loved the way you said out of it too, it's really great for me that you wrote this because there isn't one answer fits all, we are all unique and have our foybles, there will always be down days, and for newbies or anyone struggling with trying to understand the concept of this programme, it is a great reminder that we are all perfectly imperfect, and that's perfectly how we should be.
I believe I felt far more lonely in the relationship than I've felt out of it. I isolated myself in order to preserve and there was much shame in there too. I'd also burned everyone around me to a crisp with my over reactions.
Choosing who we bring into our lives is a new concept for much of us. There is no more diving in and "sticky" intimacy right away.
I make a real point of weighing my options around me. I observe, hold back, observe some more. I've had my own issues with betrayal, over giving and more.
This board plays a real crucial role in "belonging" for me. I belong here, people back me here, people applaud me here, there are people here who know some of my background. I did not have that in my life before. I had volatile, messy enmeshed relationships.
I do know I am lonely and the loneliness is going to take a lot of work to evaluate and change. I also know that I presently believe I am willing to trade being lonely for the time I have to spend working extra in order to become more solvent.
I need to live thiss program and use these tools each and every day.