The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been sober now for a little over 2 months since his last relapse. He's working his program and doing all the things he needs to do in his recovery. I'm trying to do the same.
My problem is that I am still have resentments toward him for the messes he has caused that are still affecting our life. I am really tired of being the sole breadwinner. I am tired of having to drive everywhere and be inconvienenced because his car was repoed when he relapsed. I am tired of dealing with his scattered way of thinking and living - one minute he's going to work one place, next minute it's someplace else, one minute he's going to go back to school, one minute he's going to do something else....
I love my husband, I do. And, I really want our marriage to work as long as he can stay sober. I'm just afraid that my resentments are going to get to a point of no return.
Maybe I just needed to vent. I don't know. I'm going to a meeting tonight. Maybe that will help clear my head.
Yep.... no magic pill here, but you chose the "A1" solution... a meeting for you is absolutely the best thing you could do for yourself and your situation....
Early sobriety is tough - sometimes even more confusing than when they were drinking.... the only experience I can share on this is that the time is NOW to focus on you and your recovery, and allow him to do the same....
Remember the ODAT philosophy... you don't need to concern yourself about rebuilding your marriage/relationship all at once, nor do you have to fret about the entire future in front of you both.... Try to shift your focus to one day (or one hour, or one minute, if need be)....
You'll have plenty of time to ponder the longer term issues, when you are both in a better place to do so....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Once again, I so ID with you, it sounds like I wrote it. I have resentments that I don't know will ever go away. For now I just try to get through one day at a time and do things I like to do, at least one thing, each day. Our life is chaotic as well and I hate it. But I can't control it, so....I'm powerless over it.
ok, u say u are afraid u wont get over the resentments, on top of them, u are fueling them with all of your worst known fears.
I found that people resented me for 'attemtping to help/fix them'. We get resentments when they dont take our "stellar" advice and they resent us for trying to change them and we resent them for trying to change us. So all of our anger is feeding into the enmeshed soup of emotionalism of the family, plus ur fears are there on top of it too, for good measure.
Focus on what you want to atract and magnify, not what you dont. We cannot force or police another person, when we do, we lose us instntly and the feelings of hopelessness build rapidly bc we ARE powerless to effect a change on others. We become empowered when we focus on us and not them.
This sounds very simple and it is, it is the way it works, the sickness and the recovery for us all. Focsu on YOU and what u can change and control, accept other people's choices for their lives and be the best person you can be, for you. Whenever I get anxious or tense, I look at my mind and see what I am thinking about. It is usually someone else or something I have no control over, like a future event/sitauion.
Practise empowering YOU with changes and allow him the dignity and space to sort out his own life. If we keep interfering, they and us not only think and feel that no one can be trusted, it builds resentments. Forgive you for whatver u can - being hurt in the first place, for trusting others and putting their opinions and words over yours.
Peace, happiness and the truth are within us all. What is right for us, is not always right for others, and that is okay. Do what u can, do your best in the moment and live, odaat. kcb
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
