"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Brookiebabe222 · Member

I am a complete mess

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, and welcome to MIP... Not sure exactly where in Utah you live, but if you follow this link

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

you should be able to find something that hopefully works for you.

Your frustrations are very real, and your instincts are right on the money.... He is sick right now, and he needs to find his way to getting sober.... The other part, that many of us miss, is that you are also sick right now, and need to choose recovery for yourself...

Good for you in finding us here at MIP, and for wanting Al-Anon.... great first steps for you, and you really aren't all alone anymore...

Keep coming back

Tom

stephaniej · Senior Member

Hi Brookie; welcome to MIP. Your message sounds so much like the message I received yesterday from my brother's girlfriend. She talked of how much she loves my brother, and how she can't just sit back and watch him kill himself.

I encouraged her, as I encourage you, to find a local Al Anon meeting. I am very new to the program, and it has already totally transformed how I related to and interact with my AH (alcoholic husband). Your responsibility is to yourself. You cannot save him, you cannot control him, and you cannot cure his disease. You can, however, use Al Anon and its tools to help you identify your own issues and understand the choices that are right for you in this situation.

I told my brother's girlfriend that she is not alone. She feels all alone, and I know that you feel all alone. I felt all alone. Now I am surrounded by the support, experience and love of dozens of people who have all been through what we're going through. You are strong and you're happiness is worth the hard work of evaluating your own life and your own choices.

Please keep coming back.

Brookiebabe222 · Member

Thank both of you for your support. I called that hotline but they were closed. I'll call again tomorrow. I just don't know what to do right now. He was my whole world. When we weren't hanging out, we texted and called each other all day. He was my best friend, my boyfriend, my support system, the love of my life, my future, my world. I understand that sounds super codependent but we actually found a pretty good balance between our lives together and working on ourselves. We broke up this morning and my whole daily routine has been thrown completely out of whack. I hate not talking to him. As much as I want to hate him, I don't. I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him so badly. I just know that he can't get through this with me as his girlfriend. He uses me as a crutch. I'm his reason for staying sober. That's why he stopped trying when we didn't see eachother for those few days. I just want to believe so badly that things will be ok. I want to just say, "It's ok babe. We can be together, but this is the last time. You CAN'T screw up again." But I have said that so many times I've lost count. I just don't know what to do without him. It hasn't even been a whole day and already I'm a wreck without him. I know I'll be alright and eventually things will pan out, but right now everything is a total mess. I just wish I knew what to do.

susie56543 · Member

I understand how you feel. I've been in practically your exact situation a few times with my A/BF. In July I started going to face-to-face meetings, even though I was terrified. I went to a nearby city where I was sure nobody would know who I was and walked in bawling my eyes out because my boyfriend had relapsed, hard, and stolen from me while I was pregnant. I'm only 20 so it was a little uncomfortable because the women in there were between 40-70 for the most part, but I swear, driving home from the meeting I wasn't bawling my eyes out anymore but singing to the radio! Every day gets a little bit better. You're definitely not alone!

mjhyankees · Senior Member

Keep posting here. YOu need to talk and vent. I can understand what's happened and what you felt you had to do. I had to learn to be there for myself...it's a hard lesson that seems to take me a while, but little by little I'm able to be more self reliant. The bottom line is no one can make you happy, you have to do that yourself.

DreamXL · Senior Member

Hi and thank you for your post. Glad your here. :) When I got involved with an addict I really didnt understand what I was getting myself into. Educating yourself on addiction may help you alot. It is something that is very personal and has absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else. All the wishing, wanting and hoping that someone will stay sober doesnt change a thing in the world. If love cured addiction there would not be anyone addicted. The best thing you can do for yourself is get to meetings, educate yourself and keep coming back :)

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am still working hard every day to get to this board and do my work with my sponsor. I have found that Alanon works if you use the tools and concentrate on you. I am learning that in all my affairs, I can use alanon. Even with non-addicts... I work one day at a time, one minute at a time to focus on me and my higher power. I have no control over anyone else's addiction, and I can't fix them and it isn't my fault that they do what they do. I have learned to detach from my bf who uses. Detaching means allowing the other person to be themselves and still love them. Alanon has helped me see that I am acceptable and loveable. I am working on accepting me and keeping my head on me at all times. It is very hard, I was very sick before. Sick meaning my codependency rulled my world. I am fighting every day for me. I have found days of peace and have days that I replase, but am able to come back to this board or call my sponsor and work things out. Take care of you. This board, the alanon website and face to face meetings all help....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"