That's very helpful, White Rabbit.  I am starting to realize what a master manipulator I've become.  I think assessing my motives is critical for me.  Am I trying to establish a boundary because I want my AH to say something specific or do things "my way"? Or am I trying to establish a boundary because it's what's best for me to do in order to detach from the situation?

Boundaries are not for other people.  The boundaries are for us, to help us not tolerate the intolerable, to stop compromising ourselves and to live in a more healthy manner.

If we are attempting to control someone else, in any way - all that does is waste your time - time u could be using to productively/constructively better YOUrself.  Micromanaging others - all that does as us codependent enalbers are concerned - is to feeed into the drama of the disease - by focusing on others and using that to distract us from ourselves.

We as codependent enalbers are not that different from the A's (alcoholics and addicts) themselves...  we both focus on others, we both blame shift and stay in this victim mode of pointing the finger outward, blaming others for our choices/fate.  The A's are codpeednet enalbers as well, so we can both trigger each other all day long if that is what we are focusing on.

What we seek and focus on, we find.  Look for solutions in YOUr life, not the problems in others.  Do u want choices or more problems?  As we obsess on everything that is wrong in our lives, and fixate on them, this is what we attract more of ~ complications, problems, hopelessness.

We can only control and change us -- so any attempt to get someone to say or do something for us, to validate us -- is extremely sick on our parts.

Best way to help an A, is to work a solid program of your own, get to mtgs - listen and learn how others coped & dealt with issues, open up and share so that u can begin to idnetify your patterns/issues and be the person you want to attract in your partner.  Be interested, dynamic, growing, vibrant in YOUr own life, this is appealing and attractive.  No one is interested in someone saying, 'yes i am here waiting for you' - that is not only not attractive, it is manipualtive.  It says you are sacrificing yourself for someone else, someone else that does not even like or know themselves.

Alanon is about YOU.  Recovery is self discovery.  The relationship you have with yourself is the most vital and ctrical relationship of your lifetime.

Stand up for you, love you first and love others compassionately after that.  Forgive you for what u think u have done wrong in the past, whatever it is holding you back for others who were confused, lost and believed their abusers when they told them - u are not good enough.

We all are good enough and deserve our own best loving kindness.  If we are all sinners, then we aare all worthy of love and forgiveness. 

Honestly and this only took me to 39 to see -- but as I focus on me and not my bf - I do not put off energy that I am monitoring or smothering him.  I put off energy that says, I accept you for you, right now where u stand;  I trust you to find solutions in your own life and give you the respect of knowing that dignity - of self sufficieny.
   We resent others for telling us how to be -- they resent us for telling them that we dont accept them as they are, bc if u did, u wouldnt be focused on him, attemtping to change him.
   It is all a huge waste of time, resources, energy - it is a waste of living and loving your own best life and the HP of YOUr understanding - whatver that is, trace ur beliefs to see if what u think/believe in - is actually suppporting you now or is it hindering/hurting you?

Being a professional fault finder (critic) is all it is.  Make a gratitude list and focus on what u can be grateful for and love about YOU and your life right now. right now is realtiy, right now U can choose something new and different.  Heaven knows, we get the same results if we do the same actions/behaviors over and over.  You make a change!  You steer ur own boat and get some personal power back. 
   Focus on YOU first and work to let go of control and gain self control.  Then u will be ready for a boundary to protect you.  Use the guidelines, they work!  Find a sponsor, they are program mentors and will guide you along your journey.  We all need support, none of us can do it alone.  Welcome.

FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem

TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why

EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.

ERASE IT: The thinking/behavior no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behavior patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.

REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behavior with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

 

1. HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
2. CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
3. SET THEM CLEARLY.
4. COMMUNICATE THEM THEM  CLEARLY.
5. ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
6. WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

 

 

Boundaries are to protect you.  Not to control someone else.  No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

 

The boundaries are for YOU.  In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance.  When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

 

 

 I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents:   I made  my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there.  Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left.  After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me, I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.

Take what u like & leave the rest.  Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.  If you dont stand up for YOU, who will?  If not now, when?  You can change right now.  Life is consecutive moments of right now.

Take Care of YOU, whatever that looks like!