The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I believe I've raised this issue in the past but I'd like to raise it again as I'm becoming more and more uncomfortable with this concept and it's causing me some conflict in really putting the Al Anon methods into practice. To recap, my wife is attending AA but still actively drinking. Not on a daily basis but occasionally. When she does drink, it is when she is home alone with the kids; she is a stay at home mom. I've come home to find her drunk on probably 4 or 5 occasions. Thankfully the kids have always been safe.
Anyway, what I'm having a hard time with is reconciling the idea of not trying to control my wife & her drinking and making sure that the kids are safe. Controlling is definitely something I've struggled with in the past but I'm very comfortable with giving that up and I feel like I've done a pretty good job of it so far. But, that being said, I also feel like I need to control my wife's drinking for the safety of the kids.
The conflict is on the one hand I'm just going to detach and let go and leave it to my higher power but for all I know my kids are suffering or about to be in great danger while I am at work not worrying about it! When I get home I feel a great sense of relief everytime I see the kids and see that they are smiling and ok...but then I think--ok, what happened today? Can my 3 year old tell me anything about what mommy may have done? Should I try and determine if she drank?
Anyway, I am sorry if this has been discussed before...this is just coming to a head and it's causing me a lot of stress...Thanks in advance...
It's great to put things out there because there may be options available that you might not think of initially.
This isn't a program about giving people advice with what to do with themselves, but at the same time, I still feel like asking for ideas on possible solutions can be helpful. I can take those solutions to my HP and think on things a while to see if it feels like the right fit.
What sprang into my head was babysitting or daycare. Your children can be with someone whom you know to be safe while you're at work. This keeps the kids safe without placing demands on the A about her drinking.
I bet there are lots of other ideas out there, too. Keep putting those questions to the universe and I know inspiration will be forthcoming.
I remember another gentleman on this site, whose wife drank while at home with the kids, said that his solution was to put the children in day care.
I think if a father had to take those measures, it would be important for him to make sure the mother knew it wasn't a judgement of her as a bad person, just a matter of fact decision to do what is best for the kids. I think it can't be done as a way to try to force that mother to change her behavior, although it might happen. (or it might not)
I have heard some vague details of something like this happening with my fiance's mother when they were kids. I've heard slightly different versions from him and from his sister, but basically their mom was an alcoholic and she ended up leaving her four kids when their father took a stand. Didn't reunite with them till a few years ago, and even then, seems to be in total denial. Their dad was not exactly a nice guy, but it seems he was more functional than the mom. The kids never got over their mother leaving, whether their father was right in what he did, or not. I guess that's why they call it a cunning, baffling disease.
I guess when we make these decisions, we just have to make sure our motives are pure.... to protect the kids, NOT to punish or alienate the other parent, or force them to change.
Our kids count on us to keep them safe so u do what u have to do to make that happen.. trying to controll your wifes drinking is futile . A sweet little old lady in our group says that trying to control someones drinking is like trying to teach a pig to sing , it is really frustrating for us and annoys the pig .
What would you do if you came home to a babysitter who was drunk watching your precious kids?
If something happens to them, run in the street, go out the door with a stranger, etc. you knowing you chanced it and left them with a drunk....you would never forgive yourself.
Just becuz she is their mother is no different than leaving them with a drunk babysitter.
I KNOW it is a touch thing! Kids are precious and it is our job to protect them.
Maybe think of it this way, your wife is sick with a brain tumor that can make her act less than responsible, would you leave them alone with her? Of course not!
She has a disease, whether it hurts an A or not, in my experience it is never, ever right to leave a child with someone who is an active A.
It is a FACT we cannot control someone from drinking no matter what the reason. An addict craves it, it is first, unless they are living a plan of recovery, they cannot control their using it. Some end up dry, but with many of the awful behaviors of being an addict still controlling them.
When my first husband came home with the kids and was drunk, that was when I seperated from him. It was so awful, unbelievable to me he would drink when he was with the kids.
Would you let her drunk drive your car? Take care of the finances? Babysit anyone elses kids?
I hope for your families sake you can protect them. sincerely,debralyn
Thanks all, I'm confident the kids are safe (as confident as I can be anyway). Not really looking for suggestions on what to do with the kids; really just looking for a way to be able to apply the Al Anon principals to this situation...
I think I hear you say that you what an alanon tool that will help you deal with what you feel is irrational fear and dread.
The negative voices that play over and over even though there is no evidence to suspect that there is a problem.
I have kept a slogan in the forefront of my mind and repeated it over and over until the feeling subsided and the voices retreated. Then I asked HP for guidance and acted on it.
Courage to Change Page 275 really helped me in this.
When she does, it is home with the kids.... I'm confident the kids are safe (as confident as I can be anyway).
The above two statements from your post don't make any kind of comfortable sense.... No judgment here, just reflecting on the very difficult decision (financially, emotionally) that I had to make several years ago.... My ex-AW was doing the same, and it was increasing, and I stayed far too long in denial.... I finally got the kids into fulltime daycare - and it was the best thing I could have ever done..... My wife was getting less and less dependable, and I still needed to work.... I found that daycare resolved a lot of the issues I was facing (including the denial and subsequent guilt), and life was much more steady as a result.... As I reflect back now, it was also somewhat of a "beginning of the end" for my wife's drinking, as it was pretty hard for her to maintain that she didn't have a drinking problem, when her (our) children needed to go to daycare, rather than be in her spotty care.....
Food for thought
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The way I understand it is that it's not that you shouldn't control her drinking -- it's that you can't. After all, if there were a way to make her stop drinking, you would have made it happen already, isn't that so? What we have to give up in Al-Anon is the illusion that our actions can make the drinker stop. If that were true, there would be no problem drinkers in the world. So as I understand it, Al-Anon calls upon you to recognize that you can't control her actions.
Whether her actions are a danger to your children is another question. Although you can't control whether your wife drinks, you can (and should) make sure your children are safe. I know I used to be sure my husband would never endanger our son, because he loves our son very much. The trouble is that their judgment becomes distorted under the influence of alcohol. It was only by pure chance that I found out that he was leaving our son (age 2) alone while he went out to buy more alcohol. After that my husband had a sober period and after a long while I trusted him to look after our son when I had to be gone at work for a 12-hour day. I came home to find my husband passed out and our son alone in a second-floor room with a low window, wide open, where he could easily have fallen out. That's when I decided to separate from my husband, who still swore he would never endanger our son. And I believe he meant it. His judgment was just so gone that he couldn't even realize what he'd done. It was up to me to be the sane one.
It could be that your family will be luckier and your children will never be physically endangered. Maybe your wife has enough alcohol at home that she'll never need to go out to get some and leave the kids at home, and maybe she'll never need to use the car while under the influence. Even without physical endangerment, though, there is the feeling a child gets when they want attention and their parent is too sozzled to respond properly. That's a judgment call, how much of a concern you feel that is.
My own opinion, purely mine, is that you are right to think that you should be trying to limit your children's exposure to alcoholic caretaking. The sad thing is that you can't achieve this by controlling your wife's drinking, because no one can control your wife's drinking. Only the drinkers can make a decision about their drinking, with the help of a support program and its tools. And they have to make that decision in their own time; unfortunately, we can't make it for them.
I know that what I wrote is contradictory...I thought about that last night...and maybe that's the denial...I don't know...I don't retract my statement in that I am confident the kids are safe...I haven't come home to find my wife drunk in probably 2 weeks...I know that is not a long time but we're in a pretty healthy place right now and things feel like they are headed in the right direction. I do have a "plan" ready to put in place if that changes. The easy answers--daycare, having family stop by--don't really work for us. We can't afford daycare for the 2 of them and we have no family nearby at all.
I guess where I was coming from yesterday when I posted this was just trying to address the contradiction that someone in my spot faces...I have totally embraced the three C's concept...I know I can't control my wife's drinking, and I absolutely get that...I tried so hard to control it for so long, so this has been such an eye opener for me. I still struggle with putting it into action sometimes but the basic idea is always top of mind for me. And that has helped me tremendously.
What I find myself thinking a lot though is "this program would be so much easier to make work if we didn't have kids".
Anyway, it's hard to express all of this on a messageboard...I appreciate everyone's concern and ideas...
I was witness to the confusion and upset on my little grand-daughters face, shes 3, when her drunk, staggering and slurring drunk, father delivered her back from his scheduled Saturday half-day visit rights.....thank god his friend insisted on driving him. This was the first time she recognised something wasnt right and her Daddy was different and she didnt like it. She played up for three days after this, saying Daddy was sick when they were in his house, and she was then concerned about him. To my knowledge this was the first time he had been drunk in charge of her, and drink was the master that day.....he had no control over himself never mind his child. Sure he may be sober at the next visit, but is this a see-saw ride a vunerable child should be on, never knowing which Daddy will be present.
He currently does not have access as he has no wish for recovery, his disease is in control.
