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i have been feeling terrible for the last month... my AH has been sober and attending meetings for a little over a year now and i know how difficult it is for them..
when we go out he always tells me it is okay if i want to drink.. even gets me a drink often.. he doen't liek being at home even thoug now a days i woudl rather be with him at home.. it is like he is addicted to going out and meeting friends even though he doesnt drink.. actually, we have both liked going out since the begining...
i have been married almost 4 years and am so scared... because initially i didn't drink when we were out but these days i do... last evening i got rather drunk at a halloween party.. i'm so scared I'm gonna make him relapse... i say i don't wanna drink but sometimes just in the fun of the moment along with everyone else i do too...
i don't even know what i expect any of you to write.. guess i just wanted to share this...
You can't make him relapse any more than you can make him stop drinking. We learn in the program that we are just not that powerful. Only he can decide to pick up the drink - and only he can decide not to.
That said, if you don't feel comfortable going out, saying "no thank you" is always a choice.
I initially struggled with the decision of whether to drink around my AH. I don't keep alcohol at home, but wondered what to do if out with friends. My AH says he doesn't mind. He says it's a drinking world and alcoholics have to deal. That's his opinion. I decided that I just don't feel good about it, though. Since it doesn't matter that much to me, I'd rather not.
I struggle with the same. I drink socially and every now and then I'd like to kick back at home, listen music and have a drink. I'm very skeptical to do it around him. He tells me it's ok to have a drink, rather what'd bother him is if I hide from him to do it. I do feel like a hypocrite if I have a drink, although Alanon do's and don'ts lists doesn't mention that particular subject (?) He"s going to have exposure not matter what, probably that's when one can really test strenght and determination to end the wreckless behavior. But then I think about i:, I didnt have the power to make him stop drinking, therefore I dont think I have the power to make him start drinking. His sobriety is his responsibility. I think you still need to enjoy life,don't get too obsessed with the issue, you don't want to turn your relationship into a parent/child kinda relationship either, you are adults..! And the difference between you and him is that you can handle the drinking but he cannot. Drinking itself is not the problem, excess might be, so "drink responsibly".
No one can make your husband relapse. He is responsible how he reacts to things that trigger him. Remember addicts don't need a reason to drink. They drink because they are addicts. My A often told me that it was okay if I drank in front of him, not that I drink often. I can keep an open bottle of wine around for 6 months. However I never felt comfortable having a glass around him. So when I went out to dinner with friends that's when I would have a glass of wine. After all he was the addict, I am not.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The 3 c's, didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. However, a sponsor of mine added a 4th "c" to that slogan of ours. "But we can Contribute". Meaning that our attitudes and behaviors can certainly contribute to another person's attitudes and behaviors. Because even though we understand our part and the reality of the 3 c's. They may or may not, and if they aren't in recovery themselves...definately not!
We are certainly free to have a drink as Al-Anon members, anytime we so desire. But I heard a speaker say one time something that stuck hard with me. She talked about how the particular Al-Anon group she was in would go out to the meeting after the meeting for drinks and a lot of them would have a glass of wine.
She made sure that she rinsed her mouth out so that when she got home she did not kiss her Alcoholic husband with the smell and taste of alcohol still on her lips/breath.
We are in Al-Anon to aid in our recovery from the effects of alcoholism on our life and it says in our literature to give hope and encouragement to the alcoholic.
Therefore out of respect and support for the alcoholics in my life, I choose not to consume alcohol around them. It is no loss of quality of life for me, because I can take alcohol or leave it, and still have a good time. But I feel it is the right thing for me to do to show support for the A's.
It also helps me, NOT to have those nagging questions about whether I should do it or not. And for me, in learning to listen to my "inner voice" those nagging questions are usually trying to tell me I am doing something against my own standards.
I like what David said...pretty much applies to me. PLus...there's nothing worse...than drinking with an alcoholic :( what a horrible downer lol...so I don't.
That's just what works for me. But at first I did it like I WAS MAKING A STATEMENT.
I am NOT drinking....and I would coclk an eyebrow at him...like he's suuposed to follow my lead or something. sheesh.
Now...if he drinks, and gets plasterred...I leave him where he is lol..I come home and get a good nights sleep...I wake him to feed horses EARLY lol..and let him deal with his consequences.
Whether you drink around your A is totally a personal decision. I spent so many yrs hating alcohol due to the lives it destroys, steals and takes that I don't drink at all. It's really not about my A. It's about me and what I've seen and the hurt it has caused me and my family. Even the smell on someone else dredges up negative memories. For me, It'd be like watching a loved one suffer from lung cancer and then start smoking.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I like David's "fourth C" as well - I stopped drinking altogether for over five years when my ex-AW was active.... Partly to support her, partly to ensure that the kids had one responsible parent at all times, and partly to take away her "excuse" that by me drinking, she could too....
The three C's are absolute..... But in my experience, my drinking in my A's presence simply gave her another excuse not to focus on her sobriety....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Im with Christy, I only have the occasional glass of wine now which is probably going to dwindle to nil as all the enjoyment for me is gone.....this seems to be happening of it's own volition rather than choice......I suppose Im traumatised to a certain extent as the horrors are too vivid.
" have been married almost 4 years and am so scared... because initially i didn't drink when we were out but these days i do... last evening i got rather drunk at a halloween party.. i'm so scared I'm gonna make him relapse... i say i don't wanna drink but sometimes just in the fun of the moment along with everyone else i do too... "
This for me became a well treasured "Aha" moment which led me into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous for which I am very grateful. My foundation is Al-Anon and I identify as an Al-Anon member who wishes to never drink again.
I read that you have a concern and my feedback is that if you do have a concern about your own drinking go get it checked out. I did....Alcoholism doesn't decide well I'll spare him because he's a member of Al-Anon. Alcoholism doesn't have such prejudices or compassions. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical which coupled with a compulsion and addiction leads to insanity and death. We talk here about the insanity and the death daily. Go check it out. There are several good test...AA has one on-line. Its anonymous and even we won't know if you took it or not and how you answered. It is not our business however the outcome can put your mind and emotions at rest and or save your life. There is a growing number of "double winners" which are blurring the line betweeen us and them...doubles hold membership in both programs and are huge sources of support for recovery.
When I first got into Al-Anon we read the definition of alcoholism from the AMA definition and part of the reading said that "we too are as affected as the alcoholic except that we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality thus we go thru the whole event wide awake. We too affect everyone we come in contact with like the alcoholic and we have three choices...serenity, insanity or death." They also use to add...you can be one, marry one or do both. Therefore I am "double". My first 9 years in Al-Anon were chemical free mostly because of "her" and then... the tests along with memories of my own drinking and other peoples testimony of my own drinking. I had two solutions...deny and take the chance or accept it and fix it with abstinence. Knowing is power especially on the issue of alcoholism. I know of nothing that can sweep a person over the edge as alcohol(ism) can. Not long ago we lost a first time user of alcohol to toxic shock and death...I suggest you go find out and will be here to support you after you do. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you everyone for your supportive words.. I must say i can connect to everything you'll have said.. I have thought 'I didn't cause it'.. 'He says it's okay' ; ' I should support it' and Jerry... I h=even wonder if I have the disease too.. So i'm going to keep this advice and I will doo teh test as well... I've found a couple so please do send across a link if you have one..
