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My AH has been very committed to sobriety and AA meetings for the last approx 2 months, attending 3 to 4 times a week. He looks healthy, self confident, almost cocky. He's been financially broke for the last 6 mos because of bad financial moves (consequence of his addiction). He still displays negative personality traits from the drinking. This past Wednesday he was scheduled to get paid and said all the money was going to pay bills, house ,etc. Although not actively drinking I still don't trust him,... I'm always expecting the ticking time bomb will go off.. At the beginning of the week I began to feel this anxiety as if something bad was about to happen... can't explain why... He's been very humble and appreciative of me keeping up with house expenses, buying his cigarrettes, etc. But I'm tired of carrying all this weight on my shoulders...he shows such passive attitude towards finances, house, car repairs..almost like "c'est la vie" Suddendly Wednesday comes and with cash in his pocket he turns into this inconsiderate dummie voicing a couple of bad words and talking nonsense. I blew a fuse, nagged and scold, brought up the past..told him I knew that was meant to happen, he wanted to go on a binge and was trying to cause a fight, he has put me thru hell, I didnt trust him, to go away.. and I went on and on... I carried out all the DONT'S with no mercy. He tried to hug me and said he was going nowhere, that he loved me etc etc. I was too proud to back down, I guess. On Thurs evening he went to stay in a hotel, with all the cash in his pocket.. almost $3,000. In the meantime I got a 48hr disconnection notice from the electric company. On friday eve he sent me a message saying it's hard to stay sober being away from home and without me. He relapsed and its been on a drinking binge ever since... I sent a message to him stating "you let me down again", to what he replied "you let me down as well, you dont believe in me knowing I'm trying to get to the finish line.. it kills my spirit." I've been attending Alanon meetings but unfortunately sometimes emotions take over intelligence... He hasn't eaten since Thurs, laying on a hotel bed,drunk, devastated and sending me hate messages about all this situation, talking divorce etc. I feel terribly guilty.. I do think I triggered his relapse and now I don't know how to bring him home, talk to him or anything. Never knew how important my support was to him, he needed my love not punishment. He told me that us people, don't only speak with words and his commitment to AA meetings and sobriety was his way to start making amends and show his love, and that he doesnt want to be a drunk. I'm not really considering separation or divorce at this point. I do need some input on this matter... did I in fact contributed to his relapse,am I justified on my financial concerns, how can I undo this mess and deal with the aftermath?? Speak freely, I respect you all.. Thank you!
-- Edited by Bambina10 on Monday 1st of November 2010 04:57:37 AM
No, you didn't cause the relapse. The disease caused the relapse - and the disease wants to blame whatever it can to avoid taking responsibility. It always works like that. Alcoholics always find something to blame - they drink because they had a stressful week. They drink to celebrate a good week. They drink because the sky is blue. They drink because of whatever. The real reason is, they drink because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do. They blame because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do.
Truth is, you can't make him drink any more than you can keep him from drinking. Let any guilt you have over it go - you are not powerful enough to change either his decision to drink or to abstain.
I had to learn to stop listening to words and start watching actions instead. Words are very empty when spoken while the disease is active. I learned that if I accepted the words as gospel and clung to them, I would inevitably be disappointed when the alcoholic couldn't follow through.
How can you undo the mess? Well - nobody can change the past. You can seek help for yourself in the present in the rooms of Alanon, though. Alanon will help you learn to differentiate between the things you can control (yourself) and the things you cannot (him).
Wow... thank you White Rabbit,, I needed reassurance. Very well said, I needed to hear that. Guess I got used to questioning myself.. It means a lot when a senior member as yourself reminds me of the empty promises,the blaming, overpromising, underdelivering...it comforts me to know Im not alone. Blessings to you.
Hello Bambina, this is my experience of early sobriety with my husband, in the beginning I was full of fear and resentments of past behavoiurs, I was and still can be part of our problems, but we are learning and what I have learnt is, not to react, but try to respond only when I have reason to belive there is a problem there, I know for sure in the early days I didn't cause it, but let's just say I didn't help it either, in the early days it was all too easy to just act the same old same old, truth beknown we were both to blame, it is our relationship and if we are really in this together we have to find different ways to behave, my husband has amazed me, how he has kept his strength when I have spewed and screamed verbal abuse at him for all the hurt I felt he inflicted on us during the drinking years, and to his credit he started to not reacted to my provaction, and what happened then was the finger was left pointing at me, so I became aware of what was happening in me, I can't say that this never happens now, beacuse it still can, but what happens more often than not now is, one of us stays strong, and that changes the dynamics and we are able to work through it together, our differences are ok, we are not at war, We can make ammends by saying I am sorry, learn from it and move on, most of our old fears are based on outdated behavours, , it all just takes practice, good luck!
I was married to my exha for about 20 years. We divorced because the financial debts became too scary; I did not want the three of us to be homeless. I have hosted the financial responsibility, married and divorced. It is normal to have strong feelings when finances plummet, so go easy on yourself and take things from this point forward. When our finances improved, instead of reconciling, he remarried someone he met in his AA group... wasn't meant to be, but I did have light at the end of the tunnel financially by sticking with it.
Much of the hurt and pain is caused by my listening to the words of my exha or the recent A in my life. When there is no rationality, I do best to tell myself it is the disease talking. Today, I remember the man I married, buried deeply under the disease, and I pray for him. Your husband is obviously hurting as well as you, and, in his way, overwhelmed with feeling sorry.
I did not have alanon during my marriage, but, I imagine it is the same either way- something that requires practice; progress and not perfection. Do not feel guilty, as you are not powerful enough to cause it or control it.
So, yes, you are justified in your financial concerns. No, you didn't cause or contribute to the relapse. Process your feelings, let go, and go forward; let him know you love him and make a plan that will bring you out of financial trouble. You may have to host the burden financially for a while, but you'll be ok. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
That means we have no power of whether the alcoholic drinks or not. There is nothing we can do or say that will determine their outcome. It's all on them. Even if we were mean, or if we were kind... we didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it.
for A's and codependent enablers every thing in life and about life, can be a trigger - we have to learn to cope and deal healthily -with our feeelings and life's circumstances that are always going to challenge us until we die.
Our issue is taking too much responsibility for picking up their issues -and- staying in and owning what we need to be accountable and responsible for.
We all can only feel-deal-heal for ourselves individually. Focsuing on each other allows us to lose ourselves and we can only change and control one person, us.
So, I would say no - we cannot trigger our A to slip and use, just like we do not force them to do anything. Everything in life is a choice, every moment we have choices available to us to change or create something new. A new thought, a new response, a new idea, an opportunity to change and grow.
Slips are an opportunity for us to re evaluate where we are in program now and it allows us the chance to re commit to us and our program, as individuals and lovingly detach from each other's feeelings and issues - bc it is all waste of time that we could be doing something consttuctive, fabulous, encoouraging and healthy for us, now.
Be the change u want to see and detach with love.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The answer is absolutley NOT- your husb had a taste of sobriety regardless of what was said if he was serious he would not have chosen to pick up a drink, one drunk is a slip a week of it and taking all finances with him is not . None of us do this perfectly forgive yourself and get the focus back on yourself . we are not responsible for keeping them sober anymore than we were responsible for thier drinking, we all make mistakes so let go and carry on with your program . Our book Dilema of the Alcoholic marriage is awsome it talks about thedrinking days , sobriety and there is a great chapter on communication. one of the biggest gifts for me is a Sponsor someone to share my fears with and comming home with a solution . He will never understand how his drinking affected your life anymore than u will truly understand his compulsion to drink. Al-Anons understand and they are the ones who I choose to speak to about my problems . Alot of alcoholics feel that if thier sober we should be fine truth is were not . keep going to meetings look after you and regardless ofwhathe does your going to be okay.
My AH has been very committed to sobriety and AA meetings for the last approx 2 months, attending 3 to 4 times a week. He looks healthy, self confident, almost cocky.
