The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was just thinking how as my family grew up, I am talking my mum and my siblings, we really were very aware that as a one parent family we were made to feel somehow less than, and that stuck with me most of all the time I felt unhappy, when I started to feel better, it was when I stopped feeling less than, I didn't feel more than just thought, you know alcholism to all of us here is our normal, it isn't a personal issue, it's just life and, in my family and I'm sure nearly everyone esles somewhere somehow they have it too.
There should not be shame or blame attached and yet it manages to damage so many of us, that we deprive ourselves of happiness for many years until we are lucky enough to find a solution, I used to feel guilty about everything, my whole life was about everyone but me, looking for validation outside of ourselves is no good, it has to come from within, you have to reach a point where you like and love the person you really are regardless of what anyone else says or does to you.
It has taken me a long long time to to reach an acceptence of my husband, he is a recovering alcoholic and we love him very very much, he is not less then and niether am I, as I write this I have a tree that is takeing the whole view of my lounge window, it's the first thing I saw this morning when I opened the curtains, framing the tree is bright white sky and beams of sunlight are streamimg through the window, wow the best things in life are free!
Katy, thanks for this. I ID a lot with you. I felt shame growing up in my family as well. It wasn't necessarily the drinking that embarrassed me (that tended to be private and at night and alone). It was more the "strangeness" the at times paranoid fear my father had etc. Anyway, I know that feeling. I struggle with feeling less than. What's worse is that certain life situations I'm in seem to be reinforcing that concept. While I know I shouldn't compare, I can't help but notice that for my degree and profession, I seem to have much less money, and lifestyle than those I work with. I often wonder..."he or she is able to go on vacations to europe and just bought a BMW etc....we have the same job and same degree...why do they deserve it more than I?" One thing is they seemed to have married other professionals. I did not. My wife doesn't work much and spends far more than she earns. I feel embarrassed at the disrepair in my house, especially if a colleague comes over (it seems for the most part when I'm at their house, I'm envious, not so much of the size, but just the fact that everything is neat clean and in good condition. Same with my car. I KNOW this is "stinking thinking" but I can't seem to work through it at this time. Anyway I can ID with alot of what you said. Take care.
Oh yeah...your line about "depriving ourselves of happiness" hit me like a 2x4...my therapist uses the line "you distract yourself from being happy"....I'm trying hard with this but I seem to fall back so often. How or when will I learn not to deprive myself of happiness? I know I'm rambling here but I'm even down on myself for all the work I'm doing to try to get better. (And obviously there are some things like getting a sponsor and working the steps more that I need to do). The thought that "this is so pathetic, it's taking all this just to get better? How screwed up am I anyway?" Again terrible though process but I really have a hard time getting past this. Thanks you post meant alot to me.
Wow you hit that spot on!!!!! I to grew up in a one parent household and back then that alone was a stigma But then having an A Father, brother, sister, unlces, aunts etc sheesh there was no escape. And yes I always felt less than and I blamed the A's in my life for that. Even as an adult I did not grasp the "it's a disease" concept. And I felt no compassion for the A's in my life. Then my own son became an addict. And I was so full of anger and shame and I let him know that loud and clear many times. He was not brought up in that manner so how the heck did this happen to US??? Then i was yelling at my son one day, I was already in the program but not working it too well yet. And i looked into my son's eyes and saw the most incredible pain imaginable there in his eyes and I had to leave the room to figure out what I had just seen. No parent ever wants to see thier child suffer and mine was in so much pain he was slowly killing himself with drugs. And this wasn't something he was doing "TO US" but he was doing it to himself. We didn't even factor into his equation. And I began to see this addiction for what it was.... a disease Does anyone wake up one morning and say "wow how I can ruin my life as well of the lives of others? Oh I will become an alcoholic/addict" Of course they don't. I had to change my whole train of thought on this disease...that in fact it WAS a disease. My son definitly drew the genetic short straw and was sucked into his addiction. It was really a life changing moment for me and I really had a lot of ammends to make not only to my son but others in my family. And A's are no less deserving of love than anyone else. My love for my son is unconditional and unending no matter what he does. It is the disease I do not love. and that's when i finally got the concept of "detachment". I could love the person but not the disease. I could love my son but not enable his disease anymore. You started a wonderful thread here Katy thanks Blessings
