The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel down so much.....there are moments of contentment, but they dont' last. I realize it's my own fault, that I should be able to be happy regardless of what life is throwing at me but it doesn't sink in. Somehow I feel screwed all the time, like I"m not meant to be happy. I feel like Charlie Brown all the time. I don't like to feel this way, I dont' want to feel this way but I can't seem to find any joy in life. Can I appreciate what I have? Yeah I do...at least I acknowledge that I have a good job, a wonderful daughter, I like to play guitar, and cook. My dog is real cute....but it's not enough. I don't know why. I'm on meds in therapy and I still have more down days than good. And often the good days are really just days I'm not down. There doesn't seem to be any joy in life. The highlight of my week is my therapy session! How pathetic is that? I can't blame my wife, because lately she's been ok (as in no blowups, incidents, arguments etc.) Financially there's zero extra money, but the bills get paid.....why isn't that enough? It's obviously something about me. I'm in a profession were my colleagues all married other professionals and are enjoying European vacations, BMW's etc.....not that I want any of that, but I feel like I"m getting the short end of the stick all time. Worst is I have no hope. I read the literature every day multiple times. I post here. Therapy, meds, meditation, exercise, plenty of sleep.....but I still feel like crap. At this point I don't know what else to do. Going to F2F meetings doesn't bring any relief. I cant' really relate half the time, as these other alanoners are dealing with active alcoholics, and I dont' have that. I just feel like there's nothing to look forward to in life. I might as well die tomorrow because there is no relief. I can distract myself at times but I feel like life is passing me by. I hate this feeling. I'm forced to work 2 two jobs to make ends meet. And there is little time for much else. I just don't know what to do anymore. Tomorrow I'm likely to feel better, only to fall back in the abyss the next day or two. I can't take this anymore. HP has taken care of some things for me and we are going to have a long talk tonight, but I'm getting impatient with "heavenly lollipops"...when are real changes going to happen. When will I feel happy, fulfilled, satisfied with life?
I know for me dear one, I need spiritual food. I believe in the Bible and read it every day. Do my utmost to apply all what it teaches too.
For me, that faith, that hope is what gets me through. My belief in a creator is always what gets me through, he is my HP.
I KNOW that no matter what, and I do mean no matter what, things will be ok. I have learned to make things ok the best I can.
When I read your words here, I wondered about your meds. If I were you I would talk to who gave them to you, tell them how I felt. You may need a different kind or another to make the ones you are on work better.
When a person lives in a home with someone who is basically a stranger, who they never know will cause stress, it has to be very hard!
If you and your daughter are in a cage with a lion. The lion sometimes can blow up, attack you, snarl at you, make you and daughter afraid, unahappy, stressed. Then other times the lion lays there and seems ok. Quiet, calm.
But you never know when the cat will change again, how serene is that? How can one expect life to ever be enough or be happy?
You could live in that little town you like, have a bmw, have money, big home, super job, but if you still live with that lion how serene and satisfied would you be?
When AH lived here, at the end, there was no way I could be happy with his rotting flesh in the home.
Hon you are trying so darn hard to make something into something it cannot be! Until you hit bottom, this is your life.
You are NOT in recovery. Until you get so tired and sick of the situation and change it, nothing changes.
I am still glad you come here and vent. I do understand your position about your daughter. Have you ever talked to an attorney? There is a federal Attorney referral for modest means. You pay $35 or less for the first meeting.
There may be things you have never thought about as far as gaining custody of your daughter.
Just going to echo a lot of what Debilyn already said....
As someone who has struggled with depression ever since I was a tiny girl...
Meditation is good but Spiritual Food goes even deeper. I practice yoga and it's great, but my real peace of mind and any joy that I feel comes from the knowlege that I was made with a purpose by a God who loves me. That every challenge that comes my way is meant to teach me a lesson, make me stronger, help me grow.
I didn't realize how much joy there was to be found in my children until I divorced their father and had to share them. After he died at 36 (cancer, he was not an A) I reflected about how much he DID with his life, how optimistic he always was. It was me who brought him down. He found joy after I left him. I miss him still. I married again, this time a severely depressed, ptsd suffering Marine, also a dry drunk. I saw myself reflected in him, and it was ugly. Saw all these events as evidence I needed to change. Had to dig deep and finally left him after 5 years of abuse. Lived without dating anyone for a year and now reattached, to a happy but sometimes grumpy, active A. Life is interesting to say the least.
What I do know for sure, is our kids are following us on our journey and they are becoming what we are.... we have to be what we want them to be. My oldest is 16 and I have been seeing her reflect the good and the bad parts of me.
Personally I could never use meds because I can't stand the side effects. My daughter had to spend a year on Prozac after her dad's death and that was another wake up call for me. My ex was prescribed a lot of psych meds by the VA, and sometimes the combinations would make things much much worse. So if on meds and not feeling better, I would always consult with the doctors. What if it's the simplest thing, the meds themselves are stealing your joy? The short time I used Paxil, I felt nothing. NO despair, no joy, no love, no sorrow, nothing.
Just a few experiences, maybe you can pull something from it that helps you.. And know that you aren't alone.
-- Edited by oklahoma momof5 on Saturday 30th of October 2010 12:06:40 PM
-- Edited by oklahoma momof5 on Saturday 30th of October 2010 12:07:33 PM
Um you do belong in alanon, you are also Acoa Get back to those meetings and start working the steps...get a sponsor Before i hit the doors of alanon I thought I was "unique"...no one else could possibly relate to my problems.....WRONG !!!!! Your life and your perseptive on life will change as you work each step...of that I am sure But it is WORK, you can't sit back and wait for your prayers to be answered. When you pray you need to then listen and watch for where your HP leads you. From what I have read in this thread you are being lead to meetings, meetings, meetings and a sponsor. Do not ignore where your HP is leading you or what he is telling you. So you can't "relate" to an A spouse.... but you can relate to an unstable spouse so just change up the words in your head. We all have or have gone through the emotions you are feeling but our stories are different. thats all. Blessings
I'm sorry you are feeling so frustated. I also thought I would never be at "happy" peace. I truly believe that you are grateful for all that you have.
I don't have any answers for you, but maybe a few suggestions. Do you ever do anything different? I agree with your routine of eating well, good sleep, exercise etc. Those things are important and help me as well. I am trying to get out and walk in the nice weather, sit and relax and enjoy a movie (check them out for free at the library), something that I haven't done in years. I take quiet time for myself, something I never had a lot of. I talk a lot on the phone with friends, another thing I didn't use to do. I let the dishes sit in the sink for awhile. I don't hurry around anymore. Things will get done. Can you try new recipes when you cook? Walk the dog a different direction? Do different things with you daughter that you don't usually do? I find that I am learning to find fun in my expanding. My kids and I find cheap things to do, walking to the library, going to thrift shops. I don't have a lot of money to spend either.
I am also on meds and in therapy. I finally believe that I am on the right meds. After years of therapy, I finally have a great connection. Are these things that you can review? Does your therapist challenge you? Do you feel you are moving ahead?
Just some ideas. I hope the good days will outnumber the bad very soon.
lori I do most of those things. figuring out how to get to meetings will be important for me...it's hard right now. My schedule and life are such that I can't say I'll always go to this group on that night. I bounce around where I can and when. Not sure how to fix that. Also much guilt running out on my daughter as I'm always working and leaving the hourse.
