The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sorry for all the posting...I'm home from work - for the record I was just at the orthopedist who told me I need arthroscopic surgery in my knee (severly torn cartlidge) so I had to take the day off for the midmorning appointment. So I'm sitting here wanting to share stuff. I'm inspired to write this post after reading someone else's "update" on their road to recovery and I find it helpful to not only see the early struggles and the final result but all the growth in between. I've come to believe (from other posts, some research, other alanonmembers) that happiness is something like being in good physical condition. You have to work at it constantly to maintain it. Stop working and you lose the good results. It's not a destination you arrive at and then can take up shop. Toward that end I've committed to trying to do the few things I've identified as making me happy (hoping to find more over time). 1. I play guitar every day. Even if I get frustrated by my lack of technique - I just switch over to singing some easy songs or learning some new chords instead of banging away on my drills (which I usually like). 2. I cook as often as I have time. Not quite gourmet stuff but not microwave meals either. From scratch....I have to say I'm pretty good. I enjoy it...it feels like a creative process as I rarely follow a recipe exactly. I'm always altering. 3. When I can, I go to my favorite old fashioned town. I'd like to live there (too expensive - of course) so I try to content myself with visiting. When I can keep the negative thoughts (you can't afford to live here, why bother coming; you shouldn't have gotten married, then you could have lived here, if you had a better job, worked harder etc.) out of my head, I really enjoy just walking around, grabbing a coffee or a snack and looking at the harbor, window shopping in the quaint little stores etc. 4. Sometimes we can do "family reading time" and I enjoy sitting together reading, with the dog in my lap or at my feet (or even tugging on my sleeve to get me to play).
Unfortunately those 3 things are the only things that I feel are "uplifting"...I used to like to watch sports, go out with friends and go to the movies but I find they leave me flat right now for some reason. At least I have these.
I read the courage to change everyday, rereading the day's passage and randomly flipping through to read other things.
I meditate daily for about 20 minutes...haven't perfected it yet but there is some conscious contact with something going on.
I try to talk to my inner child when upset. It doesn't always work but it seems that when I talk to myself as if I was comforting a child (much as I'd do for my daughter when she's upset) it helps somewhat.
I try not to worry about my debt which is hard but it will be resolved when I sell the house some day (if that will leave enough money to live somewhere else I'll have to see when it happens some day).
I'm trying to monitor my authenticity: I have a tendency to exaggerate my feelings (especially my negative ones), tell people what they want to here instead of what I may really thing, and embellish my experiences (don't really know why other then to make them sound better than they were). I now will correct myself midstream saying "well actually it wasn't that bad or I didn't really do it but saw someone else etc."
I know this is all progress, but it's not enough for me to feel good for some reason. Will more progresss make me feel better? Can I give myself some credit for making it this far? I can I admit that my life has some meaning, has done some good, has been worth it in some way? I'm trying.
Oh yeah.....as I've been down alot this week I've been trying to talk to my inner child.....I admitted that I didn't know how much I could really fix, but I could promise him to never leave and to always hug and hold him. (this makes me misty eyed for some reason)
I like that, talking to my inner child... hmm. I don't know if I can do that, as I am still learning to accept me... Maybe if I can do that part, I can then talk to my inner child and comfort her ... very interesting share MJ.... Thanks!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
(((mjhyankees))) I think you are doing really well. You are obviously very self-aware and working hard on you. It is good progress - perfection will never be achieved overnight - if ever. Keep at it - I, too, like the idea of talking to inner child - that made me smile :)
Ya know my husband a few years ago had the burning desire to learn how to play the gutiar. So he bought one and starting practicing. Drove me nuts lol Then he became disabled, has severe nerve damage on his left side that hinders him from using his left arm. hand and fingers much of the time. But when he feels strenght in his left side he brings out that guitar and plays to the best of his ability. It doesn't drive me nuts anymore, it makes me happy because he is doing something he loves and he doesn't let his disability stop him. He has accepted that his body has kinda turned on him and he struggles at times to do the most basic things, he knows the good days are coming when he can do the things he loves. He is definitly a better cook than me and he likes to bake. What I am trying to get across here is that if you dwell on what you can't do or don't do you are going to stay stuck right where you are. Back to that gratitude list...... only write a list of things just about yourself and your abilities that you are greatful for. Cause you are unique, no other person out there just like you so embrace it and accept it and be greatful for your uniqueness and what it offers to the rest of the world. You may not think you make an impact on anyone else, but reality is you impact every person you come in contact with. A smile, a simple hello can make all the difference in a persons day. You sound like a really great person, but you are very hard on yourself You want recovery and you want it yesterday LOL Enjoy the journey, don't rush it, make sure you get it right. I always enjoy your posts Blessings
In April I moved 800 miles from my home and kids. If I think too long I can get in a funk because I miss them so much. What I do when I begin to miss them too much (I always miss them) and second guess myself for moving away is...
I go on what I call "A rampage of appreciation". My favorite place to rampage is the beach because it's so easy there. I appreciate the pelicans as they allow me to watch them dive for fish, the jellyfish for letting me see their simple existance, the way the ocean smells, the hermit crabs that inhabit every shell that I'd like to take home (lol). The shrimp boats, the sunset, the warm sand, the beautiful new bridge that crosses the bay.
I don't really expect to be "happy" every single day. To me that's just not realistic. I can however keep sadness from consuming my day. Granted, not everyone has a beach to go to but a rampage of appreciation can be done anywhere. I can appreciate someone elses smile, architecture on a building, a gentle breeze or a cleansing downpour. It's kind of like a grateful list only I'm out finding new things to appreciate. I just can't stay in a crappy or dull mood when I do it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
For me, it also had to come with some "balance", as I almost overdid the recovery stuff.... I had to re-learn to take care of myself in more of the tradition, non recovery-specific ways, such as....
- taking time for me daily.... - reading (not just recovery books - just enjoyment books too!) - physical exercise (this is a huge one for me... when I feel depressed or down, it is almost always when I have stopped exercising, feeling sluggish, etc)
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
