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this probably has to do with not being satisfied with myself (or anything else for that matter) but I've come to learn that I have this need to possess everything. Here is what I mean in a few examples: 1. I play guitar, am at least decent enough (and have a degree in music - another instrument though) to play most songs I hear on the radio. I like playing and lose track of time when I do. But I'm not satisfied because some guitarists that I enjoy play so much better than I and I feel like i "have to" be able to play as well or at least close...otherwise I'm (no good, wasting my time, not good enough etc - fill in the blank). It's as if I can't just enjoy listening to them...I have to "own" their abilities. 2. Same with women in my life. If I find someone I really like and enjoy (at work or wherever) , I find myself wanting to "possess them"..not in a sick twisted way...but I can't just enjoy their company. Instead I feel upset that they are/seem like much better (smarter, more educated etc) than my wife, I wish I was married to them or someone like them etc. 3. I go to a favorite old fashioned town to visit...I really like it there...it somehow brings me good feelings (I like nostalgic stuff)...but I want to live there (can't afford to) so I end up feeling down or frustrated.
Those examples are just a few.....I'm sure there's some childhood issue at work here related to emotional abandonment, and family alcoholic....but I'm really at a loss.
As a fellow guitarist I know exactly how you feel about the need to "own" someone else's abilities. As a man, I know exactly how you feel about the need to possess the women in my life!
I guess one of the hardest things we have to learn is to be happy with what we've got and where we are today. It's not that we can't want more. But we learn to be happy with what we've got right now.
Wow, I'm surprised...the guitar part no, but the other part yes. While I didn't think I was totally unique in that kind of ownership, I also didn't expect the first post to ID with me on it. Perhaps I'm not as alone in this as I thought.
Guess not! For me, the two were connected. The hottest guitarists were always with the hottest women! That, and I just couldn't be happy with myself unless I could do everything I thought I should be able to do.
I think it's a really codependent way of looking at things (I should know, I am codependent). My happiness was always based on some external 'thing' (guitar skills, women, money, cars, does she love me?...)
The problem, of course, is that you're never satisfied. There is always going to be someone who plays better, has more money, a nicer car... I think it's a way we sabotage ourselves. It's a way that we can keep ourselves from being happy with exactly where we are.
I'm still working on it!
-- Edited by SteppingUp on Thursday 28th of October 2010 05:06:49 PM
I am learning to be happy just where I am. I tend to be unhappy and realize that things are not so bad. My kids are healthy, I am generally healthy and I have a car that gets me to work and back... I could go on. I tend to get jealous of people who do photography for a living. I wish I could too, I want to possess the camera they have, the luck they have at getting weddings to photograph etc... In the meantime I realize I am great just where I am... thanks for this share
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Well this may not be an alanony response but here goes....it's the name of a country music song " Sounds Like Life To Me" Honestly if we never wanted or craved what we don't or can't have there would be ablsolutly no competion in this world. There would never be the desire to succeed. I see the mansion on the hill everyday...would I like to live like that You Bet! But have been through enough tough financial times that today I am thankful for a roof over my head and food on the table. Would I like to look like a super model ( I am sure my husband would love it ) sure I would but do I want to live that lifestyle? not one bit Again have been around long enough to be content ( as is my husband) with the person who looks back at me in the mirror. Do I think other men are desirable? Heck ya Would I trade my husband for any of them. Never in a million years. One thing I have learned in my life is to never covet the life of another because while it may look like sunshine and roses on the outside....no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It could be a lifestyle that makes yours look completly normal. But because we are human and we do have the need to succeed at something is what makes us, us ya know unique. How boring would we all be if we lost our competitive edge or the desire to succeed. I think as you get older you may find that you really like you for what you are, not what you do or what you have just for who you are. Blessings
I agree, as an ACoA - I could not focus on what was happeneing, say a date with a guy I liked, bc I was so worried if he wanted to see me again and what would we be doing the next time? or I was lamenting about how I screwed something else up in the past and would be obsessing on that. I think that goes back to our sick need to control outwardly (bc we are out of control) and it is a distraction.
We focus on others, to please them or get validation/approval and this is how we avoid us. Intimacy, knowing the self, feeling the self - this is what we dont have, we are the ones who are emotionally unstable and unavailable, just like the A's we end up with. It is no wonder, like seeks like, it levels out like water.
A healthy person has boundaries and would not tolerate much of what we tolerate in dysfunctional relationships. We can practise getting better one day at a time, by focusing on our own behavior and accepting others for who they are and where they are, right now.
I agree w stepping up, we are never satisfied and our wants are infinite and endless - we do live in a disposable and convenient society. We get new things and throw away all of the packaging, calling it trash, when two seconds ago, it was nice packaging.
Appreciating what you do have and loving what you are and have, is the surest way to quickly have gratitude for your life.
Nothing worth having comes so easy. We all know how much musicians and athletes and performers practise - and if you dont, well, they practise it all day long for years. As a former gymnast and dancer, we practised the same routine for a year, for competitions. Being and performing perfectly - that is an illusive craft. You are only as good as ur last performance, u have to strive and knock yourself out and sacrifice tons for that sort of - ability bc raw talent is one thing - harnessing it and controlling it is quite another. You dont just pick up an instrument and play it perfectly.
In fact, as acoa's perfectoin itself is an issue and it is a lie, there is no such thing as perfect in life - only in grades.
Life is subjective and perceptual. Being a perfectionist, means all you are is a professional fault finder and still, talented or not, practising with great discipline or not -- that doesnt change how u feel about you inside and all of us are subject to our own insecuritiues. You let it run ur life or u decide to change. Squealch the critic within and find the one who loves.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Ahhhh a great Thread!! I related because I should and I inventoried the lessons on the subject which I received on this journey of recovery; one of which was given to me inside of my Al-Anon "home" meeting where I started and by the spouse of an AA member. It actually comes from the early version of AA's Big Book, the third edition page 449, "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in god's world by mistake. Until I could accept my (dis-ease), I could not stay (recovered); unless I accept life on life's terms, I can not be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
A changeable attitude...what a item to possess. Gratefully (((((hugs)))))
Thanks everyone. I'm reminded of the phrase "fake it till you make it".....I'm sure not feeling it right now. And I'm really, really scared that I'll never get better. I'll keep doing what i ought to but........well, what choice do I have...it's either work or roll over and die and I"m not for that by a long shot. YOu all make it sound like magic in a way. Not really because you talk about "working" but I really have a hard time seeing how things can change that dramatically when the things that I feel pressing me down persist. I can believe I can do a little better.....it's like being told about someone dying of some terrible disease who says they are happy and satisfied.....it's a mystery to me how they could feel that way. I wish I could. I envy that they can do that. I also know I have to let things take their time and that recovery is not overnight. But I'm 50 and I'm discouraged that this late in life I'm still unhappy.
It sounds to me as though you're best way forward at this moment it time would be to write a GRATITUDE list.
Envy is destructive. Appreciation is constructive.
You come across as a perfectionist and that is a hard one. Nothing is worth doing unless you do it to perfection. Nothing will do unless it is THE BEST.
It is NEVER too late to actually work out what one can be grateful for in life, and take stock of what one HAS and is CAPABLE of.
Instead of taking a negative look at your life and your accomplishments, if I were in your shoes I would be assessing the POSITIVE in my life and what I had ACHIEVED, and from your point one you mention you have attained a degree in music. (You know what else you have accomplished in life so far...a youngest at 50 by the way.)
Your degree alone puts you in the top 1% as far as education is concerned. BE GRATEFUL - for that is privilege and accomplishment, self attainment. You succeeded as far as Maslow would say. In his pyramid of attainment, YOU are AT THE TOP of your game in achieving your degree alone. Goodness knows what else you could be grateful for.
Start from there instead of then going on and putting yourself down as mediocre.
I repeat, ENVY is DESTRUCTIVE, APPRECIATION is CONSTRUCTIVE.
And GRATITUDE is the ultimate goal to achieve in this life, it certainly does not take away competitiveness and ambition it simply puts that into perspective.
God Bless
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
ENVY is one of our biggest enemies , comparing our lives to others we miss so much ..gratitude works wonderful in situations like this learn to Love what you have and make it enough .. most of my life i took things for granted just assuming they would always be there * people too * assumed there would always be enough money for what i wanted appreciated nothing til i got here and began to look at what i did have Your guitar share reminded me of yrs ago my husbs friend was talking to me and said hubby had called him and asked him to go golfing on the weekend , friend said that obviously he has learned to master it because my husb did nothing in front of others that he couldnt do perfectly. here is a definitin of perfectionism that may help .
PERFECTIONIST = PROFFESSIONAL FAULT FINDER
Is that really what you want to be
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 28th of October 2010 09:03:53 PM
Ahhhh a great Thread!! I related because I should and I inventoried the lessons on the subject which I received on this journey of recovery; one of which was given to me inside of my Al-Anon "home" meeting where I started and by the spouse of an AA member. It actually comes from the early version of AA's Big Book, the third edition page 449, "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in god's world by mistake. Until I could accept my (dis-ease), I could not stay (recovered); unless I accept life on life's terms, I can not be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
A changeable attitude...what a item to possess. Gratefully (((((hugs)))))
Aaah a serendipity. I just picked up this older version of the AA Big Book (3rd Edition, Revised 1976), at a charity book sale on the weekend for a whole dollar! Looks brand new. Thanks for the quote Jerry, I was able to look it up and read further. Hugs.
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They are sick and we are crazy. Crazy no more. Amen.
For me - working the steps helped so much! Let's look at your specific examples.
Playing the piano. I couldn't play in front of others - at all. I loved to play for myself but couldn't get 2 notes out for someone else. A little while ago I had a friend over and played better for him than I played for myself. It was great! And imagine watching someone play an instrument. One person is playing with ego - playing to the crowd - playing KNOWING that is he good. Then there is the person who plays for the beauty of playing. You can watch them feel every note - and they might not play that well - but it moves you.
Possessing another. From both sides of the fence - that doesn't work. I was so wrapped up in "keeping" my exA - every time he strayed or talked about other women in his life I would panic that I was loosing him and try everything to keep him and lost myself. Losing someone who wasn't faithful in the first place. Hmmmmm. Then he would panic as well. If I didn't call regularly - went out of town - I could give you a hundred examples - he would panic - he would stalk - he would obsess and come unglued. Makes you feel like a prisoner. There is no "possessing" someone else. And one thing that I have learned in the program is that not one person is perfect - we all have our defects and are much more alike than we think. Things aren't quite as wonderful as they appear or we fantasize that they are.
Yes, fake it until you make it really does work. Even right on the spot. I am buying a house that is pretty much a downgrade. I live in my dream home and haven't been envious or wanted more since I have been here for the past 9 years. I am now buying a house somewhere I really don't want to live. The transaction has been a 6 month battle. I am about to get keys and did my final walk-thru today and the previous owner left the place a complete mess. I was upset. I had some not so nice words - but it only lasted a few moments. I know I will go there and make the best of it. Nothing has been presented to me that I can't handle. It is no fun. It is hard work. I am looking at the positives. I am going to go back to college. This going to help secure my retirement. This is going to enable me to travel the world. Great restaurants, opera, symphony, and theatre. This is going to be good. I know it in my heart. I have to battle my fears and the pain of leaving my comfort zone and the first real "home" I have had in my life. But I KNOW it is going to be ok. And even when I don't . . . I smile and it feels better.
Working with others less fortunate also really helps. I am much more grateful to be able to play the piano poorly - as I have all my fingers to do it. No one else needs to believe I am good at anything. I need to. The drive to be better is a good one - but letting up on yourself and realizing you are where you are via the work that you have done is a good thing. I imagine most virtuosos are very hard on themselves, compare themselves to others, and think they are awful - while we sit in awe of their talent. Guess who that hurts? Them!
Play for yourself. Love freely. Love where you are . . . something I have heard during my complaints about living out of boxes is "be glad you aren't living in one!" Be glad for each day and make it count. That little girl of yours is learning how to be an open, loving, free adult from you and that opportunity slips by faster than you think. Each day counts.
Until I worked the steps - this was all just talk and wishful thinking. I had to do the work and truly look at myself before I could really grasp the concept and start putting it into action.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
