The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of you will have been with me and held out a cyber hand as I have gone through many ups and downs with my AH. Recently he has been a lot better. This has followed a 3 week spell in hospital when he very nearly died but somehow pulled through and has been making good progress in his physical health. Trouble is - he has not stopped drinking. He is drinking less which has, for a time, had the effect of making him feel and look a lot better. He has stared socializing again and everyone has rmarked on how much better he is. BUT - I know different. The last 2 weeks he has been slowing down again, eating less and drinking more (he thinks I don't know - ignorance must be bliss!!) Today, we were out at a garden centre and he all but collapsed in the car-park. I got him home and he has been in bed ever since, complete with plastic bowl to throw up in. He still insists it must be something he ate. Nothing to do with the amount he drinks and the effects on his liver and gastric tract, obviously!
Having enjoyed a brief respite while he was physically better and functioning almost normally, I am scared we are back on the slippery slope. I can't take much more - but much more is, I am afraid, what I and my son will have to endure. And I am scared.
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Monday 25th of October 2010 04:25:47 PM
It's one thing to attempt detachment from their drinking and actions and another whole feeling to be in fear of losing them. That, is very difficult. It's frustrating to know they survived one brush with death and almost incomprehensible that they would go there again...but they do.
I can only offer understanding, hope and a (((hug))).
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I understand all too well the fear that creeps back in when we allow ourselves to hope that maybe this time the alcoholic has found a long term solution for sobriety. I found it much easier to detach with love when I had no hope. When I had hope, the slippery slope loomed in my mind, for the alcoholic as well as me and my desire to control the outcome. For me, it was a whole new level of belief and letting go to detach with love and hope in my heart. Your AH needs to find his own way out of denial with the help of his HP. I hope and pray for you that he will find his way back.
Oh tatty my heart is breaking for you and your loved ones.
I hope you can detach from this horrible disease and love him through this precious time. You know he left that hospital still sick.
When A's leave rehab, detox, deathbed, if they do not walk right into AA and are ready to stop, the disease just continues in a furry.
He knows what is going on, denial is strong though, this is such a powerful disease. What I have to remind myself is for an addict, their normal is to use. That is how they see their life.
Their normal makes them sick and worse. They want to be like others around them so badly some work hard on a recovery program. But can you imagine completely changing your life, your behavior, how you think of things?
God love you both.
In my head I am thinking back when the AH was so sick. I supported his body as much as I could. Meds for nausea, chicken broth, ice cream whatever he could keep down. When they are in this last stage, science tells us they cannot stop on their own.
I hope you can make sure you take care of you so you can handle this the best you can. There is no use arguing or anything. For me I did my best to just enjoy him being there.
You have been through so much. Often everyone forgets the spouse or loved one who is there for their very ill loved one. It took a lot from you too in the hospital.
This reminds me of a gal who was in England years ago and her A was dieing. She brought him his drink, feeling guilty, but he did not need the dt s on top of dieing. Then for the last days he did not want it anymore. The family had some peaceful time with him.
I will never forget the grace she showed all the time I knew her here on MIP.
Your love for him is so so apparent. I hope you can surround you and yours with that.
Even with all the horrible stuff I have been thru with my ex ah, I hope I get to be with him during that hard time, or times.
(((((Tattyhead)))))...this was for me the opportunity to attach myself to my Higher Power and turn everything else over. I could learn compassion with powerlessness and increase my faith in the Higher Power of my understanding. I could also accept with greater understanding the concept of the 3C's. I had me to take care of because I was falling apart and there was no one there for me except the program and my choice to get to it, work it and live it.
I just spent some time with a relapser. I gave them my ESH and then got in my truck and left (them to God). Best share I heard this morning's meeting? "Sit down and...listen". Such an old piece of wisdom for me which still works when I work it. The alcoholic addict has his choices to make. I have my own.
The sadness that I feel for you is true compassion that makes me want to hold you tight and tell you it will all be better soon, but the realist in me knows that is more likely to be pie in the sky.
In reality this is often a pattern that the A and the dependent go through time and time again.
Now is the time to place yourself in the hands of your God and lean on Him with all of your heart, mind and body and to take care of yourself. The A may well be in denial for ever and a day, or a miracle will happen and he will get real, and please don't rule that out for miracles DO HAPPEN.
In the meantime you have to keep REAL. Accept what is happening knowing you are not in control of him, but that the drink is in control of him. You can only change something in YOU that will help you cope and live each day.
I pray today:
God grant you the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things you cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things you can and the WISDOM to know the difference. That is how you lean on God and take care of yourself in the midst of all this madness.
God bless, Love Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Sending you prayers and strenght your way !!!!!!!! Please take this time to lean on your HP a bit and let him take control for a while. For me I make up a mantra for whatever it is I feel I need then go to a quite place and say it over and over again to my HP until my heart is at peace. Also please remember HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Make sure you are taking care of YOU ! Your husband has his own HP watching over him Blessings
