The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really hope there are some folks here that might be able to give me a little advice that gives me some relief, as I am really hurting.
I am a recovering alcoholic (10 months) and despite all the warnings from others in my program, I went ahead and got into a relationship with another newcomer. Perhaps I was completely blinded by her looks or I viewed it as an opportunity to truly open up and engage in an adult honest relationship. Either way, I jumped right in. Everything felt right. We were being honest with each other. Truthfully, I felt we were working our own individual programs, etc. For about 3 months, I grew closer to her than I had to any woman in my adult life (especially sober). Suffice to say, everything felt right.
About three weeks ago, I felt her somewhat pushing away. She was involved in some rather intensive trauma therapy, which brought out some serious resentments for the men in her life (especially her father). A little over a week ago, she made the decision to return home and visit her family and literally the day after she returned, she began drinking. First, it was under the guise of food poisoning, but finally I showed up at her place to find her completely passed out and in very bad shape. I stayed with her until she wasn't feeling ill anymore. A few days later, she reached out to me, as she was drinking heavily again. I love her, so of course I had to come to the rescue. I truly felt that I was coming from a place of love and selflessness. She expressed her appreciation and it felt genuine. I left her place in the morning, at the time she claimed she was contacting her sponsor. The next morning (because I felt something was off) I came over to her place, only to find her in bed with her ex-boyfriend.
It was truly the most traumatic experience I've experienced. I feel so betrayed (especially since she tried to spin the blame on me - for coming over there unannounced - and I had a key to her place!).
I have since spoken to many people in the AA program, with many different bits of advice. The consistent advice is to completely detach. I have been having the hardest time doing so. She has tried to call and text, but I have not responded, until yesterday. I sent her a text telling her I hoped she was doing ok, and that I was thinking about her. She didn't respond.
I'm really hoping someone can give me some words of wisdom. I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with how a relationship that was seemingly right and healthy, transformed into the scenario I've just described. I am also scared to death at just what she might have to tell me. I'm already hurting and don't know if I can handle any more heartache.
I'm really trying to get my arms around the situation. I am in disbelief that I was betrayed in such a manner.
I'm new to Al-Anon and am learning the concept of detachment, but It is so hard to do so in this case. I want desperately to engage with her and reconnect on some level (which I know is complete insanity). I really hope someone out there might give me some insight. It would be much appreciated.
In Alanon we find support by working the concepts and sharing experiences, but do our best to refrain from providing advice.
During my 20 year marriage to the A in my life, I felt betrayed by him several times over; I understand how much it hurts. The final betrayal was when he said he wanted to reconcile and then married someone he met in his AA meeting.
Detachment takes practice. I have come to learn that it means letting go of what causes us pain while continuing to love the person. I still love my exha, but do not like the disease of addiction. For example, it can mean not engaging with them, or engaging with them but having boundaries where what they say or do will not be hurtful to us.
Thinking of addiction as a disease has helped me detach. I do not believe that my exha wishes to be an A, or that he can control his hurtful behaviors. However, I can control my reactions and this helps me have some serenity. Sometimes, by not reacting, the situation dissipates instead of escalating.
I realize that I develop attachments quickly and am working on that through Alanon- finding out why I place heavy importance on certain things and learning what my motives truly are. This all takes time. When I date someone I like for a few months, I constantly remind myself that I'm still getting to know the other person.
I can empathize with the dilemma you are facing. Working your own recovery and now seeing things from the opposite perpective. Bud is right we don't give advice but share our own experiences and you can take what you like and leave the rest. My brother found his current wife in AA so i can't say to much about how the program AA and Alanon discourages any major life changes for 6 months to a year. Sounds like your gf is dealing with some very tramtic events in her life and chose to go back to drinking in order to cope. That seems pretty normal in early recovery. But being in recovery you already know an alcholic doesn't need a reason to drink but any excuse will do. You also know that an alcholic will lie and decieve in order to protect thier disease. And it is a disease. Again like bud said detachment takes practice practice practice. You stated that you "came to her rescue" when she started drinking again she was genuinly grateful and then went and slept with her old boyfriend. Being in recovery yourself remember you aren't doing her any favors by coming to her rescue and of course she turned everything around on you when you found her with her ex. Until she truly is ready for recovery detaching means you separate the person from the disease. The disease says and does terrible things while the person maybe loving and kind. You need to learn to get out of her way and out of God's way, HP has plans for her and if you keep cushioning her fall by coming to the rescue she will never hit her bottom. I know this all sounds very confusing.... i know I was confused to learn all these new words and concepts. So I hope aside from your AA meetings you will find an alanon meeting to go to or join us here online for our twice daily meetings In alanon we work the same 12 steps but in a much different concept... for example in your recovery you admitted you were powerless over alcohol...in alanon we to admit our powerlesness over alcohol and the alcoholic...hope that makes sense. Wishing you the best Blessings
I wish I knew a magic thing to say to make you feel better. First good for you on your ten months of being on program! That is many days of a good choice!
It is an awful pain and betrayal you feel. The thing is, ya gotta feel it. It won't stay the same, it will get better.
Al Anon is here to give us tools to take care of ourselves. Teaches us how to take care of our needs.
We don't know what makes others do what they do. They may not even know.
Maybe you can think of the time you had as precious, and for now, take one day at a time.
Believe me I know the feelings you have, a broken heart is the worst. We need to give our selves time to heal.
Just becuz someone has made choices separate from us, does not make the time we had with them mean nothing.
Some people can just move on, even though we are not ready. So we suffer, learn to live without them.
The heart does what it does, don't beat yourself up! At least you know what that feeling feels like to enjoy someone! You will have it again, it is different with different people.
I am glad you are here! I tell ya, the chat room got me through a long time of pain.
Been exactly where you are. Newcomer involved with a newcomer. Craziness to say the least.
You are hurt, betrayed, confused, insane, overwhelmed, and hurt beyond measure - been there.
When I was there the best thing for me was to focus 100% on myself. I don't know if you have a sponsor or are working the steps - I hope so - but at the point my insanity got overwhelming with my newcomer that was my saving grace. Lied to, cheated on, verbally and emotionally abused, and told it was all my fault. I know how your shoes fit.
There are no answers right now and there don't need to be any. To get a better grasp on my answers to the fall out from this, to heal, to see things clearer, and find healthy answers I needed to focus on my recovery and nothing else. I needed to replace my "Why did they . . . how could they . . . " questions with "Why did I . . . " questions. I was very fortunate that at the height of the insanity my qualifier left and I had no choice . . . well I guess I could have reached out and kept things alive . . . but I kept no contact. I focused on myself. I worked through the pain, worked through the steps.
I do believe there needs to be closure, amends, a reconnect . . . or whatever. We ended up back together after a year and that didn't go so well either, but I didn't leave insane. I just left with a clear picture of why. I had gathered my brains back in my head and put them in some kind of order and am changing my life - so dealing with what had happened was much easier. Walking away from the old behaviors was MUCH easier. Not saying it has to be a year . . . not saying it has to be anything, really. Just my experience. But this kind of pain, this kind of insanity while trying to stay sober in your first year. Really too much to ask of anybody in my opinion. Stepping away was the best thing for me - both times. I am working hard everyday to have a better, healthier life. That stuff just sucks me back down into insanity and I make the choice for myself not to be there anymore. It hurts. I would personally say walking away, taking care of myself, and staying away is harder than stopping drinking. Much harder. It is an addiction, pure and simple. Thank goodness I have the same 12 step program to help me through this and a wonderful fellowship.
I wish you luck. I hope you keep coming back here and have the opportunity to go to some Al-Anon meetings.
Just remember . . . hurt people, hurt people. Try as hard as you can to not take it personally. She is messed up right now and needs to get better . . . or make the choice not to. That is not up to you. You are not her HP. But if you stay in the ring there is a good chance she could take you down with her. That is a pretty big gamble. Not one I was willing to do again.
Oh - and I know the "want" to have an adult relationship. But for me it was like this:
Hey mom, look . . . I took the training wheels off my bicycle. Can I drive the Mack truck on the freeway now? I wasn't ready and my copilot was equally qualified. Probably got what I asked for.
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Sunday 24th of October 2010 11:08:30 PM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am so grateful for this 12 step program that is comprised of (at times) complete strangers that are willing to reach out and share their experience, strength and hope.
I have a sponsor and am practically through the steps (have a few amends left to make). I need to get a sponsee. I have been speaking to my sponsor and as many fellow AA members that I can. They all have echoed exactly what I've heard on this forum. That is, "protect myself at all costs." It is just amazing how personal involvement through my program has potentially saved my life. Without these people and my tools, I have no doubt that I would be following her down a really dark path. I will do my best to view my situation as my HP's will, and that he was ultimately protecting me from greater pain down the line.
I would love nothing more than to get her back, but I DO NOT want the person that I saw in the grips of her disease. That's not the person that I fell for at the beginning. And if it was, will I was too blinded to see things clearly.
I am going to work on surrendering and accepting. I guess these are the cards I was dealt - and I lost that hand. But there are plenty more hands to play in my game.
I dragged myself to a meeting this evening. I didn't want to go. I ran into a group of partners of a law firm I have been interviewing with to join their practice. Turns our they're all in recovery. What are the odds? Out of the blue, it appears that my employment situation is improved dramatically. This was giving me almost as much grief as my ex-girlfriend. Somehow, out of that terrible storm I was in, the sun shone through and rewarded me with a miracle. It's amazing.
Thank you again everyone for your kind words of wisdom.
What are the odds ??? prettydamn good in Gods world actually as to your relationship well let go and see what happens get the focus back on your own recovery where it belongs you cannot sponsor or take care of this lady your way too close .. she too has a Higher power in her life who will take her where she needs to go .. step aside so he can get at her .
I have learned that detachment means letting the other person be who they are. And for me to stay on my side of the street and not try to help.... Helping just makes things worse. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
as to your relationship well let go and see what happens get the focus back on your own recovery where it belongs you cannot sponsor or take care of this lady your way too close .. she too has a Higher power in her life who will take her where she needs to go .. step aside so he can get at her .