Getting lots of advice from people not living in my shoes!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

snodebb · Veteran Member

Getting lots of advice from people not living in my shoes!!!

kimmy1975 · Veteran Member

If this were happening to me and I was getting a lot of unwanted advice, I would probably say something along the lines of "Thanks for your opinion", and then just drop it. If it became too bothersome, I might even say "I don't need advice, I just need support." Only you know what is the best thing for you and your family right now, and only you know how to best handle the unwanted advice. I hope things improve for you soon.

Take care,

Kimmy

snodebb · Veteran Member

Thanks Kimmy I think your advice is what I wanted to hear. I just want everyone to be well and happy even my AH and if I deciede to let him come back I think that is up to me and only me.

kimmy1975 · Veteran Member

You're absolutely right, it is up to you and only you. It is your life and your marriage. These other people have no clue what it is like to be in your shoes right now. Even if they were living with an A, they could only understand a fraction of what you are going through. Just because they would react one way to a situation, doesn't mean you will react the same way. Do what you feel is best for your and your family, not what someone else feels is best.

Take care,

Kimmy

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Definitely. Or, as soon as the other person brings up the subject, just say "I don't feel like talking about it right now."

I had this kind of thing happen with my best friend a few years ago. Since she has been my best friend since high school, she was around through my whole ugly 8 year first marriage to an active alcoholic. During the marriage, I called her many times crying and saying that my exAH was such a jerk, was drunk again, had done ___ to me, etc. Because she loved me, and she'd heard all my stories over and over, she felt passionate that I should leave because I was miserable. Today, I know that I was miserable because I was sick and needed recovery for myself - not because my ex was drinking. In any event, I'm sure that those that are trying to give advice just want the best for you - and don't have the benefit of a recovery program that teaches us that we can't determine what "best" means for anyone but ourselves. :)

Imogen421 · Veteran Member

I can understand why you feel alienated and annoyed by this kind of advice. I do agree that it is because people think they're helping or sometimes because they themselves can't handle it. It's good you're realizing that this isn't helping you and I like the advice people give above about what you can say in response. Every relationship is different, and 20 years is a really long time, so many stories, no one can imagine everything you've been through and all that you feel (I see this even at 7 years with only 2 years' cohabitation.) I wish you luck and I admire your strength. And do whatever you feel is right, when you feel it is right. That's all you CAN do in life in GENERAL anyway. I wish your friends could understand that and put themselves in your shoes a bit more. I also wonder if there are any comparable things in their life they might be able to draw upon to help them understand - big decisions they've had to make where there's no right answer and ongoing personal struggles, such as weight control, conflicts with others, loving someone who can't be everything to them, etc.. EVERYONE has these issues, even though not everyone's is to do with chemical abuse. So no-one has a right to judge. I'm no expert! That's just my two cents' worth, based on how much good advice I've already gotten - thanks to fellow Al-Anoners and good friends (the ones who DO get it, that is

). Take care.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

snod

I am gulity as charged of giving unsolicted advise to others on how to run thier lives as I felt I had all those easy answers to all thier problems if they would just listen ya know lol
Even as my own life was falling apart it was easier for me to look at and solve your problems than to try an tackle my own.
Then i found alanon and learned I was not the CEO of the universe and other peoples business was not my business. My son is my A. Lived at home and if I had a nickel for every person who told me to "throw him out" ( as if he were a disposable part of our family) I would be a rich woman today. Of course these people didn't consider my son had no job or money, had lost all his friends so would have no where to go and that I would just be sending him out to the streets. That was not accpetable to me nor was thier advise.
But having been one of those who thought I could run your life better than you could there wasn't much I could say excpet " thanks we'll take that into condsideration" or just "uh huh's. I don't feel the need to explain my decisions to anyone. And now my favorite saying is
"what other people think of me is none of my business"
Funny enough I have lead quite a few of these people to alanon.
So having been on both ends of the situation I can say I am much happier staying out of other peoples business or trying to run other peoples lives.
I can concentrate on whats best for me.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Tell them nothing then they cant have an opinion ,works for me . or when they make suggestions simply say thanks i will give that some thought and walk away . then let go .. u do whats right for you . And when people ask about him and what hes up to , relpy I dont know u will have to ask him next time you see him . conversation is over and walk away .
If your not already attending meetings for yourself I hope u do so in the future u need support from people who get what your feeling and understand .

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Say nothing. How can a friend continue to carry on a conversation you do not wish to hear if you do not respond to it?

Diva

-- Edited by Diva on Monday 25th of October 2010 07:34:16 AM

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am constantly getting unsolicited advice, and I have learned to tune it out. I say the "uh huh" and I have also learned to say "I will have to think on that". I know also that if it is a phone call, I don't have to answer it, thanks to the caller ID on my cell phone and the choice to "accept" or "reject" the call (which sends it directly to my voicemail). I am also learning that I don't have to make a phone call when I am feeling "weak". I can sit with that feeling, be in the moment and ask HP for help through it. There were times when I would get this feeling that I needed to call someone because I thought they would be mad at me for not calling them. That call would start a conundrom of the person either giving me tons of unwanted advice or me allowing them to ask me a million questions about the situation with my A and in turn would make me get mad at my A for things he didn't even do. So now, I don't call people very much, I call my sponsor, or just sit with the ideas rolling around in my head. I don't answer the phone right away anymore, unless I can actually talk to the person and have the boundary to say good bye if I need to. If it is an in person meeting, I am learning to not give out so much information. If they ask how my A is (for those who know he is an A), I just say he is doing great. I come here, call my sponsor, read Courage to Change or Language of Letting Go and move on....

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