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I am recently separated from my AH and am very sad but very glad at the same time. We have a two year old that has seen and heard alot of arguing and then the last straw was physical where he was arrested. Our two year old was very scared and that is when I told my AH he had to go somewhere else, and away from us and that was very hard but I new for the sake of our son and myself that it needed to be done. He has called and said that he made a mistake and that he would get on medication for his addiction I told him that I love him but the only way I would take him back is if he went to AA and anger management classes and was sober for atleast 6 months and got a real job. I even told him that I would go to his classes with him. The latest call was him saying he was depressed and that he missed us and I told him that he knows what he has to do to be with us and be a family man and he said that we have two different views of being a family man and my view is him never drinking again, which is true. So I guess the inevitable divorce in on the way right? He has been gone for a month and never asks how we are making it or sends any money and he knows that I am unemployed at the moment and living on savings. Anyone have a forsight into the future for me? I mean, has anyone been in the same situation where they say that you have a different view of "family" and never drinking again but then he says he misses us. I don't want to fall for the manipulation.
I am still new to this and I am having trouble getting the steps...so I am probably not one to give advice. However, I can tell you my story. I also separated from my AH for a few months after ten years of inconsistent behaviour. He wanted to come back desperately. My guilt overcame my good sense. He quit an anti-anxiety drug he was on and convinced me that the drinking, erratic behaviour and being a poor husband was all due to the side effects of the drug. I wanted the best for my kids and I thought the best was for them to have an intact family. I "allowed" their father back. He is barely drinking, but I am back in the same situation anyway. This is not the man I married. I wish I did not allow him to come back.
I know that many people are able to accept the AH back into their marriages and they live very happy lives whether or not the A is drinking b/c they are following the Al-Anon steps. I admire these people for it, but I don't think I am one of them. I don't know if I am right (b/c like I said I am always struggling with the steps), but I see this not as getting him to make promises. I feel I have to be the one to decide whether or not I can handle an alcoholic, active or not. It doesn't seem to matter if they are actively drinking, they still carry with them many of the negative personality traits as they exhibited while drinking (immaturity, blaming others, selfishness, irresponsible)...the spouse just has to decide if they can "live around" these things. I can't.
I can only tell you what happened when I separated from my last husband.... it was a forced separation because of the physical abuse and the law was involved... I had to handle it right because I have children at home. The first month he left a playstation at the door for the kids. The next month after a court order in our DV case he paid $200. Then he was put in jail for violating the order of protection. Came out a couple months later, was put in a batterer's intervention program, got a job, and gave me no money whatsoever, BUT continued to call and follow me, always telling me HIS sad story and how much he missed us. Lots of promises and sweet words that kept me hanging on and loving him. Finally got put back in jail for a year because of the violations. Always sad stories and letters of love and devotion. But when he was working, not one penny. After he was put in jail I found out he had an apartment full of rental furniture and nice electronics, etc. All the while he was crying that he was starving, etc.
Moral of the story. I learned to look at what he was doing, NOT what he was saying. We did get divorced. I got sole custody and left the state. No child support ordered, and that is fine. When he did give me money, he used it as a tool to manipulate and guilt trip me. It's sad because I really loved him. =(
My story is similar to the above posts, and, I would like to add that it has been very helpful for me to view my exha's addiction as a disease. It is so true that this is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease!
He made promises to me and I wanted so desperately to believe him; I have only recently come to learn that the disease did not allow him to keep his promises. I now believe he knows that he is not able to make these kinds of promises. In fact, he remarried to someone in AA, I think partly born of convenience, partly born of someone he knows will have a better understanding of his disease. (Though I have been trying to understand for many years, I am only starting to understand... I think.)
You are in the right place. The more exposure I have to alanon, the more I am able to perceive things differently. I feel I am headed out of the mire to a better place. I was married about 20 years, and still love him, but not the disease. For a long time this felt like a dichotomy and generated guilt. I have recently learned that it's ok to still have these feelings and still love him. I have been devastated and crippled emotionally from everything, but am learning how to very slowly move on towards enjoying life.
There are some that are able to work alanon and remain married. I divorced prior to working alanon, so I'll never know if I would have been one of those women. It took me a long time to get the alanon principles, so I would recommend to others to stick with it a while if you don't think it is initially helping.
In alanon no advice is given unless you are in danger. And clearly you are in danger. It sounds as though you have put up good and reasonable boundaries and are ready to stick by them. I would suggest you find alanon meetings in your area and start attending because even if you do divorce you have a child together which means you will be dealing with him the rest of your life. Alanon will give you the knowledge of this disease and how it works and teach you new and better coping skills and behavior to deal with it. And Your child will learn from you. Of course right now your husband is telling you all the things you want to hear and pushing those buttons that are intended to make you see him as a victim in all this. Thats how this disease works. If he is not contributing to at least your childs needs I would contact some government services to see what you may qualify for Again I hope you find an alanon meeting to attend Blessings
I'm so glad I checked in here tonight. You are going through what I was going through a year and a half ago. I've got two children, my oldest is now 3-1/2 and my youngest is now 2. I went through 2-3 episodes of calling the cops, kicking him out and letting him back in, he even got to the point where he almost died from a car accident. After the car accident - which we were all supposed to be in - I woke up and realized I REALLY couldn't keep doing this. He went to rehab and moved back in for a short while. Has had several relapses since. And is now in jail, for I'm not sure how long, for the first incidence where I called the cops. Because, he keeps begging for mercy and everyone gave it to him... he could go to inpatient rehab, he could go to outpatient rehab, he just had to go to a few classes a week and he couldn't even keep that up. I lost my job at one point. He has contributed very little monetarily and not consistently. It was empowering for me to look up spousal support rates online for my state. I live in CA and they are responsible for half of all daycare costs + half of living expenses for the children. In my case, that would be equivalent to the entire cost of daycare. But I have yet to see that much come my way... and I have yet to do much of anything about it.
It has been hard for me. Making the decision to do something, and dealing with my emotions afterward have been hard. I don't think anyone of us ever wanted to be in a situation like this. In fact, most of us probably thought it would never happen to us. Listening to the AH actions instead of their words will paint a very clear picture of what they will and will not do. They might change, but only time will tell. My history has been to quickly assume the best even when there is no proof to back it up. My AH seems to be dealing with his consequences better and working on himself more. But, it is still hard for me to handle where he is at now and to figure out exactly what I need to do next.
In the meantime, I found a full time job that will suffice for taking care of our family. I found an amazing daycare for my kids and moved out of our family home and into a home where I can raise my kids without AH or my MIL coming in to stir things up. It has taken a lot of time, a lot of energy working my program and faith that my HP has the best plan in store. I have taken action when opportunities have presented themselves and tried ignoring the whinings of my AH in pursuit of caring for the whinings of my children so that WE can have a better life, not full of fear and anxiety.
Good luck to you! The best advice anyone ever gave me is that I need to take care of myself first and the rest, including the kids, will work themselves out. I can't be a help to anyone unless I take care of me.
I am new here and am very glad these organizations that help the family and the emotionally struggling individual get help. They are the next best thing to attending a church. Well, they don't prepare you for this in high school. And your parents try to but don't do it efficiently, because some of our parents had problems too. Many people are suffering out their, and yes they need a higher power and sometimes find it later in life for some. It seems for the young parent, they will always go back because they have children and put up with bad behaviour like drunken bouts in the home. I am glad that people who are aware of AA can suggest they go there. As for the courts, Iam not sure, but if any individual ends up in court for drinking and violence, should on the first offense be mandatory to attend AA for a year. I believe this is the solution to repairing families who go through this. The sad part many are not aware of the amazing support AA can offer. Sometimes jail time can be a wakeup call for the individual and sometimes it can take longer.
