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Its been 2 nights since my AH has slept here. He was here when I came home from work yesterday and I told him you can't stay here its not healthy for me and the kids. He was mad and said he is scared and doesnt know what to do. He has a childhood friend has is a recovering alcoholic and he got my AH into the carpenters union and he was working until 2 yrs ago when he got laid off, this friend has been trying to get him to meeting for a while like twice a day but my AH refuses. His friend said he could stay with him for a while my AH says he can't do that and he can't sponge off his friend and I'm thinking but you can sponge off your wife??? I told him it might not be forever and he can still come over and do things with us providing he is sober. I am not sure how the bills are going to get paid we have a lot of credit cards and a mortage. He did bring home a little bit 160 from unemployment and sometimes handyman work for people which helped us make the payments, but little for food and gas. I make to much I am told for food stamps. Did I do the right thing? Now today I get to tell my parents that he is not liveing here for a while, they know he has a drinking problem but thought he was doing good. They love my AH and so do we. We just want him to get better.
I just want my ah to get better too. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I think you are being strong. You setting boundaries is the best thing for you and him. I didn't think I could live without my ah, but I am. I am so thankful for this program. Just keep working on yourself, and you will become stronger. You will start to do things that you never dreamed you would be able to. Progress not perfection.
Well he has a place to go weather he chooses to stay with his friend or not is his choice. Seems you were ready to stick by your boundaries. You've done your part now it is up to him where he goes from here. Do try to look into other government programs, even utilize a foodbank if nessasary. That's what they are thier for. I think we all love our A's an want desparately for them to get better. But that won't happen until we get out of thier's and God's way. Blessings
Sounds to me like you were reaching the end of your rope, and that you needed to do what you did for you (and your kids) sanity.... He is a big boy - he knows he DOES have options - most of them involve facing his problem and getting sober.... You took away one of his 'soft landings' - and that can only be a good thing.....
Active A's can be amazingly resilient as they try to stay in their addiction.... he might make some even stranger decisions in the coming days/weeks/months before he reaches his bottom..... I'd encourage you to read the post I put up a week ago, where I quote Toby Rice Drews - when she talks about the key is when we convince our A's that we can, indeed, survive without them.... it doesn't always mean that the relationship is over, but the "power" (or perceived power) that they have had over us is diminished, and their radar knows that we are serious this time....
THe other struggle is when he pulls on the heartstrings (and he will).... If you are going to take him back, try to figure out "how" you could do that, while maintaining your boundaries and needs..... ie. you might take him back on the agreement that he is actively involved in a program of recovery...... try NOT to take him back just cuz he's sad, lonely, and scared.....
Hope that long answer all makes sense...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Tom, Thank you, I have been with him for 20 yrs and for 15yrs its been an off and on with him getting sober for a year or two then slipping back. I want him to know that I will not carry him anymore he is a husband and a father and needs to act like one if he chooses to be part of this family. I have a full time job and will survive with or without him. The longest he stay sober was 3 yrs and things were good and we have lots of great memories doing things as a family. Its hard to understand why someone would give that up for a drink.
