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I am new here and desperately need some advice. Sorry for the LONG post.
On 10/8/10 I found emails between my H and another woman confirming affair. I confronted him and told him to leave. Needless to say, he was in the bottle for the next 8+ days. I had little or no contact. He called me and asked if he could have our kids stay with him one night (kids are 11 and 14) I agreed, with the condition that he did not drink. He agreed, but of course, he lied.
The next morning I recieved countless texts from H and kids pleading with me to come up to the lake for the day, to talk, etc... I said no, no, then went. He was a disaster- stunk, drunk, no food in the house (staying at his dad's while they were away). So, what i should have done is grab my kids and hit the door running. But what I did was put on my enabler hat and told him to come home. WHY??? Am I crazy???
I told him after 20 years together, let's try to reconcile for 30 days... He was home for 4 days and was a disaster. He was clearly always altered. I kept asking him, why are you like this, you are home, we are suppossed to be trying.... Anyway- on Thursday morning, he checked himself into detox. Now here is my dilema, he will be discharged to an outpatient program tomorrow. I know I am a major enabler in this whole thing.
My gut tells me to let him come home and try to work this out. Try to help him stay sober. My head tells me I am a fool after the countless lies, betrayal, affairs, I could go on and on.
I have my first counseling appointment schedule for Tuesday afternoon and my first Al-anon meeting Tuesday night- but I will need to make asecision tomorrow??
I want to do the right thing, I don't want to be part of the problem.
To add to this, he cheated on me and I am not even able to mourn/ work through that because once again, I am too busy helping him?
Crossroads, No one here can tell you what to do that is best for you, but I can tell you what I was told. If there is something that you are putting in front of yourself (keeps focus from working on yourself...well the priority HAS to be that you make yourself well first...then everything else can come after.
Sometimes, there is a grey area in the answer. For examole, I feel like you arte not ready to make a decision! So...is there a way that hje can stay somewhere else so you can prioritize what YOU need without feeling TIME pressure?
Alanon is a wonderful place, and allows us to feel not alone in our issues and put ourselves first. There is a great deal of healing here. so glad you're with us! There are meetings every morning weekdays, and weekends a little later. Hope to see you online :) Josee (Montreal, qc)
You didn't say how long he was going to be in detox, but I would use that time to do what you need to do. You said you are a major enabler. Perhaps focus on what that means for you and him and what you can do to change that. Attempt to figure out how you feel about the cheating and if you can move forward in the relationship or not. Do you know if your counselor is familiar with addiction? If not, you might consider someone that is. Alanon is free. Although we aren't professionals, we have lived with addiction daily and can support you in what we know works and what doesn't. No one here will tell you if he should come home or not, but everyone will agree that you have some changes to make. Enabling is a funny thing. It feels like the kind thing to do but causes harm in that it allows the disease to take over even more. It's a catch 22. We help the alcoholic by not enabling the disease. By setting clear boundaries with firm consequences. Just as we teach our children what is acceptable, the same principal teaches the alcoholic what we are willing to accept from them. If we are not firm with our boundaries and don't follow through, they mean very little.
Watching their actions instead of listening to them is how we observe. We know better then to fall for the lies and manipulation of the disease. That way we can make our own decisions instead of being convinced by words.
It is a cunning and baffling disease. You will serve yourself best by taking time for you and gaining as much knowledge as possible in his absence. Make it YOU time. He will have the help he needs.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I would ask you this What ya helping him with? His recovery is his to own. You can't help him with that except to support his decision to seek recovery. You can't control anything beyond that. Time now for you to seek your own recovery I am thrilled you are started Alanon. The program with help you immensley!!!!!!! I can't say that strong enough. Your children are also now about the right age for Alateen. This is a family disease. It affects everyone. My son is an addict and by the time I got to alanon I was as sick if not sicker than my son. With all the enabling, believing all the lies etc. Alanon will suggest you don't make any life changing decisions for at least 6 months of working, realy working the program. By that time you will have a much better understanding of this disease and learn new and healthy coping skills and behaviors in order to deal with this disease. One of the first things you will learn are the 3 C's You didn't cause it You can't contol it You can't cure it Like your husband you are powerless ove this disease and you are powerless over him. As far as weather to let him come back home. Only you can decide that. Alanon does not give advise, we give you our experiences, strenght and hope. As you work the program your answers will come to you. Pray on your question and see what answer comes to you Blessings
Hi there... your concerns are very valid, and I remember exactly how confusing these times really are.....
As the others have said - you cannot really "help him get sober" - that is his path..... he may choose sobriety right now, as a result of his detox, or he may still have many slips and years ahead of him...... the book "Getting Them Sober" does offer many helpful suggestions in what we CAN do (I posted a thread a week or so on the subject), but in a nutshell, it teaches you "if you really want to help your A, then get yourself healthy"....
Good for you in starting Al-Anon, getting counselling, and posting here..... To me, the decision of whether or not to let him come home is not as important as you maintaining your commitment to your recovery..... Early recovery is really tough - he has to follow his path of recovery, and you have to follow yours.... It doesn't typically lend itself to very much "couple" time etc..... It tends to be a crucial time, where you need the love and support of program people..... friends in Al-Anon, counsellors, etc...... In my experience, you're unlikely to get much (if any) emotional support from your A at the moment, and people outside of the program (i.e. family/friends) can be of some help, but only to a point, as they simply won't understand all of the dynamics....
Keep coming back, and doing the things you are doing for you...
Take care\ Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Rainbojo66, Christy and Xeno59- Thank you all for your reply and your experiences. You all said the same thing, in different words- I need to worry/focus on ME, not him. That actually takes a lot of pressure off me. I am 40 years old and woke up today and feel like I am a child. I am thankful for finding this forum and am so looking forward to my first Al-anon meeting on Tuesday. The kids will be going to Alateen too. My fourteen year old isn't all that keen on the idea, but is open to try.
Thanks again everyone, I am so glad to have a place to come.
the decision of whether or not to let him come home is not as important as you maintaining your commitment to your recovery.....
Tom, thank you for this statement- I am committed to my recovery and will focus on that. I am always trying to provide all of the answers and the game plan...
Thank you for the book recommendation, I am heading to the library now.
Again, I am so happy to be here- you all seem to wise.
Aloha Jennifer...You are in the right place with the right people at the right time and being in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups will be big positive support for yourself.
In my relationship with my alcoholic/addict wife the mountain top of reality was the affairs. No I'm not diminishing the drinking, using, hospitals, lieing, cheating and stealing but the bringing home and into our marriage the influence of people I was not aware of and the possiblities of their diseases (drinkers and users don't usually just stick to one brand...if you get what I mean...and my wife didn't) was the exit door. She wasn't in her right mind (alcoholism affects the mind...body...spirit and the emotions) and wasn't thinking of anything other than her alcoholic wants and wishes and that endangered the entire family. The disease destroys and I had to back out of the area of damage. Did I get a physical condition from having sex with my wife while she was having sex with another (others)...yes I did. Forgiveness doesn't make that go away...doctors and medicines and more does. "Alcoholism affects everyone it comes in contact with" was part of our meeting opener when I first got into the program and that is very very true and we often don't get the opportunity to protect ourselves until later on or never for that matter.
Do you let him come home? Maybe the answer should come from asking another question...Have you been able to change the situation in the past? What has been the consequences for you after all of your attempts? Is it time to make other decisions? We learn in the program that "making no decision" IS making a decision. I needed time to learn and so that Al-Anon mind set helped me tremendously. I waited and learned and then tried the "getting back together" idea...several times it came out exactly how it had before and worse. She was not in a recovery mode or willing to improve her life without alcohol and drugs. Of course it will remain the same.
In the view of alcohol and alcoholism I am a non-entity. I have no importance. It will not respect me as much as it doesn't respect the alcoholic. Millions have lost including up to their lives and families...who was I to think I could stand in front of that freight train and get it to stop just because I wished it.
We have many post regarding the alcoholic and rehab...I suggest you read those prior post of others Experiences, Strengths and Hope so that you can have that to hang onto and maybe align your thinking from "maybe this time it will be different or I'm different" to "I didn't cause it...cannot control it...and...cannot cure it."
Please keep coming back here...Al-Anon and MIP is for you. You are not alone and everything we have you can have...for free. including (((((hugs)))))
Jerry F., Thank you for sharing and WOW. If I answer your questions, have I been able to change the situation in the past- NO. what have been the consquences for me ... more of myself chipped away...
I did pick him up from detox and I did bring him home. He is very emotional, said he couldn't believe what he saw there- close to being in jail.... so sorry, ready for outpatient therapy. I am guarded. He did go to work this morning- he needs to schedule his therapy sessions, I am not. I am going to my first Al-anon meeting tonight at 7:30. I keep going back to the saying I saw one of the posts: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I can't cure it.
I get that no decision IS a decision. This decision is not mine to make- it is all up to him. He says he realizes how much he stands to lose, time will tell.
I am being very supportive, I am very proud of him for taking this step, but we will see.
the affair- I feel like once again, I am put on the back burner- (I assume this is a pattern??? )it is so not ever about me, ever. My goal now is to get to the meetings, get my kids to the meetings and see where we land. I did cancel my couseling appointment that was scheduled for tomorrow, she does not specialize in addiction and as one of you pointed out, it matters. i get that. since my H's outpatient is going to cost so much, I am hoping the Al-anon meetings will be enough for me, and just from the bit I've been on with you, I think it will be. So, thank you all, again.
