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My wife's parents have known that something is wrong with my wife for a few months now. They thought maybe it was medication or just exhaustion. But they saw her at her worse earlier this week (they live 400 miles away but happen to be visiting this week) and knew something was seriously wrong. I got the chance to talk to them alone last night and I told them everything about my wife's drinking. They were taken by surprise for sure and pretty worried, but I think they felt a sense of relief knowing. I didn't tell them about her going to AA, but I e-mailed them this morning to let them know that news. So they know everything.
I feel a great sense of relief, like this was the right decision. It feels much better having them know. However I wonder if this was a mistake. If my wife finds out that I told them then she will be extremely upset and it may derail her even further.
But I do think it was the right thing to do. Was it?
I know the feeling. I've considered talking to my W's parents but haven't yet. However, if I were in the situation that you're in (where they've seen it with their own eyes) I would probably have done the same thing.
I see it as a way of detaching. You're no longer protecting her and her disease from her parents. So she'll need to deal with the natural consequences of that.
Was it the right thing to do? I can't say. But, since you did talk to them, it must have been the right thing for you to do at the time.
Please keep us posted. I'll have you in my thoughts.
I was always told the answer "depends on your motivation".....
Active A's often lash out at us for such things, but then again, they would love us to keep their addiction a secret from the world.
My two cents would be.... if you were factual, and not out there to bash or badmouth your wife - then all is good.... you're right - there may well be some repercussions from your wife, but I'd be careful about any assumptions that it might cause her not to pursue her sobriety... that is just an excuse, and would negate the three C's....
I didn't go out of my way to tell people the deep dark secrets that my AW was hiding, but I also learned not to hide from it myself, either.... I told people when I felt it was appropriate to do so....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks, I should point out that I asked my wife's parents to not let my wife know that they know.
I just kept thinking of what our therapist says--"you're only as sick as your secrets". And I feel like my wife is manipulating everyone and anyone who doesn't know the facts. After I told her parents, her father told me that he had spoken to my wife earlier in the day about the fact that she was so disoriented the night before. He said he told her "it was like you had a bottle of vodka stashed behind the washing machine". Amazingly, he wasn't far off (bottle of vodka, but stashed elsewhere). My wife replied "I wish!".
I don't think my motivation was out of anger or anything like that. But I really don't know. I just need to give that more thought. I truly think I see it as just another step in the process of getting her well.
If it was to get her in trouble, hoping that telling her parents would create a situation where they would intervene, too, then that's not minding your own business, it's "creating a crisis".
If it was just to speak the truth without any attached expectations, then it was probably okay to do. For instance, if her parents called you and asked about how she's doing.
I know with my exAH, I've always been truthful with friends and to the point. He has a drinking problem. I'm also not one who wants to voluntarily hide the disease, but I tread carefully when I tell people about this making sure I'm not trying to manipulate the relationship that person has with the exAH. I try not to embellish the gory details. I don't say, "He has a drinking problem. The other night he drove around drunk and I was worried sick about him."
What are you doing for yourself? Still getting to meetings? Have you found a sponsor? Have you purchased any literature to read on those days you're feeling triggered by your A's behaviors? Have you picked up a phone list from your local meeting and called anyone?
Remember... it's not your duty nor responsibility to "get her well".
-- Edited by Aloha on Friday 22nd of October 2010 02:17:46 PM
I think you have answered your own question when you said You think this is a step in "Getting Her Well" If your motives were to get her well by telling mom and dad then it would be a form of attempting to control the situation over which we have no control.
Telling her parents in order for them to know what is going on and relating to them in a truthful manner is all fine and makes sense.
Thinking that telling them will change her behavior is just another way of trying to fix the problem
I see your telling them as a way that you are getting well as you are no longer willing to co sign her BS
"You are only as sick as your secrets" - I agree. I was asked to keep secrets a lot when I was growing up. My parents still try to tell me things and then tell me not to tell _____ what they said. I think that the secret keeping part of the disease kept me very sick.
I agree with the other posters who have talked about motivation. If someone is asking questions, I believe it is okay for me to answer factually and truthfully. If what I'm really seeking, however, is to have more people help me convince someone to change their behavior, then I am attempting to control someone else's drinking.
Parents are one thing * everyone is something else * its not up to us to explain thier behavior or make excuses for it . a practicing alcoholic has no anonymity one attempting recovery does .. I was told I dont have the right to call him an alcoholic until he does . When i finally explained to my parents what was going on in our home my dad just nodded and said that everything in that second became perfectly clear to him ,i explained that \i was attending Al-Anon so i was okay . they accepted my decission to stay in my marriage , I never sharred with them the nitty gritty stuff with them they just didnt need to know , if the alcoholic chooses sobriety it just makes it more difficult for them when they know that others know what was going on .I had asponsor and al anon friends to share that with . any info u choose to share with friends and family always look at your motives why do u feel the need to share it ?
We are as sick as our secrets.... I have to agree with that wholeheartedly But also would ask your motivation... but you stated your wifes parents already knew there was something wrong with her so it may be a relief for them to know what they were seeing was accurate. There is something wrong with her and now they know what it is. Hopfully the conversation was one of love an concern rather than as someone stated above about bashing your wife. But from your earlier posts I don't see you doing any bashing which is good. Our loved ones are truly sick and they don't need us reminding them of that. My son is my A and I actually found once I stopped keeping the secret most everyone already knew, it came as no surprise. Of course if your wife finds out she will be angry but that is to be expected. Hopefully when she has enough recovery under her belt she will tell her parents herself. Blessings
It is difficult and I have just posted on another thread that I kept my AH's disease hidden from family for years. However, when he got really sick for the 6th or 8th time, his sister asked "but what's causing this?" I had to come out and say "Alcohol" She told his estranged brother and they both visited him in hospital so I think I did the right thing. They would never have forgiven me if he had died and I hadn't told them. And he very nearly did die.
(As it was he got better after 3 weeks in hospital. He is still drinking but is much improved so he can't be drinking as much. I am stunned by how much abuse his body can take and still function.)
As a double winner here, I think they needed to know. I also think that you will have no control over whether this derails your wife. If something happened to her and they didn't know, it could be a lot for you deal with. As a parent, I would want to know. I don't know about keeping it a secret from your wife, aren't there enough already?
