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My wife & I are going away for the weekend to a friends cottage and her parents are watching the kids. I'm extremely apprehensive about this. This is only the 2nd time since we had kids that we've had some time alone (it will be just the 2 of us).
Although I and our marriage counselor have told her not to make too much of this weekend, she already is feeling a lot of pressure about it and putting a lot of pressure on me about it. I know in her mind she's hoping this will be the weekend that gets us back together to where we used to be. Meanwhile, I'm wondering if she'll make it through the weekend without drinking. I don't know if she has shared that she is in AA with our friends, so I have no idea if there will be booze in the house.
She got hammered yesterday and I really don't even want to look at her, let alone spend a weekend together with her. Send good wishes please!
Good wishes on the way. Although togetherness is important it is also good to plan some moments for ourselves.
Please remember to bring your al anon books with you. Check out the area where you will be going and find out if there is a meeting.
Try to let go of the anger, live in the moment,in the day, focus on your own inner health. make gratitude lists (the children, parents) , trust HP and HAVE FUN.
Walking in nature, eating out without the children, shopping for silly things being in the moment can all help to connect spirits.
Remember we are always here so if you need to share come here and post
How are you finding the marriage counselling, and is your counsellor trained in addictions counselling??
The reason I ask, is that it is often fruitless (and even detrimental) to be in couples' counselling when one is still actively drinking.... I went through that, with (not surprisingly) no good results.... Bottom line is - for 99% of the cases - the drinking has to stop, and THEN counselling and relationship repair can start taking place...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Our counselor is a drug/alcohol counselor and actually encouraged my wife to go to AA. He's also a recovering alcoholic. So it in some ways has been EXTREMELY beneficial, although mostly for me. It could help my wife but she's just not listening.
Boy this post rang abell with me . it was explained to met that if I was nervous x5 for the alcoholic .. they have to get what they need and away from their normal hidding places its very stressful for the practicing alcoholic. My husb used to pick a fight whenever we planned anything together * alone* until I got to this program and understood his fear .so for me PLAN B became really important for me make your plans and if things go sideways go alone and do it anyway . and if you do go this weekend plan on having a great time you never know ... your not your wifes keeper no need to sit an watch what she is doing , go for walks to a movie or just find a coffee shop enjoy .
Well, the weekend is over. In a lot of ways, I'm realizing that for both my wife & I this weekend was a test, and in many ways we both did well but in many ways we both failed also. Anyway, things got off to a good start. I was nervous that my wife was going to be in bad shape when I got home from work on Friday but she was fine. We had a fairly long drive and hit tons of traffic but we were both in pretty good spiritis when we finally made it to the cabin. When we got there I was looking around the kitchen and realized that the cabin was STOCKED with alcohol. In the fridge, in the cabinets, everywhere. It instantly made me anxious and I realized that I needed to just relax and let it go--if she was going to drink, there was nothing I could do about it. And I didn't need to worry about the kids as they were home safe with my in-laws.
Anyway, the next day started nicely and we both slept in a little bit, the first time in a long time we've been able to do that. Then we had breakfast and headed out to explore nature a bit. We were both a bit nervous and anxious but overall things were going well. We had a really great fun day together--reminded me so much of before we were married when we would go away. We got home and were exhausted. After resting for a bit we started talking about dinner and what we wanted to do. I suggested we go out to one of the places in town but my wife wasn't interested. I knew where this was headed and I started to get really anxious. Ultimately she thought it would be smart if we ordered take out and I go pick it up. I instantly started worrying that she would drink when I went to get our dinners. I pushed back on her and said I'd really prefer if we both went out but she just kept saying she didn't want to. It created the first real tension between us for the weekend and I realized I was failing my first major test. Ultimately I said ok, I would go get dinner and we ordered.
I drove way too fast to the restaurant where we ordered from--I was going 65mph in a 45mph zone, with lots of downhill curves and a slick road because of the rain. I was so nervous and worried, and even though I kept reminding myself that there was nothing I could do about my wife drinking, I still wanted to get back as quickly as I could to try and stop her. I know how foolish this is but I couldn't stop myself from feeling this way. Of course I got a little bit lost and this just made me more tense. I was gone maybe 30 minutes or so and when I got back, my wife was on the phone (with her sponsor, ironically enough).
Anyway, did she drink or no? I can't say for sure but I'm pretty sure that yes, she did. She wasn't obviously drunk but she was very different then before I left. More emotional, a bit slurred in speech and stumbling around a bit. I let myself get very angry for a minute or so and then I pulled it together. We watched a movie together and she ultimately went to bed crying because I was being cold towards her.
As I said, I think this weekend was a test and for me, while I don't think I did as well as I could have, I at least was aware of what I was doing wrong and I think that's a good step. Even though I didn't handle things well, I would have handled things SO much worse than this a month or two ago, before I started going to Al Anon. So that is encouraging. Sorry for the long story, thanks for reading...
. Although togetherness is important it is also good to