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I don't even know how to start this, as it really makes no sense. While I want to put blame, I feel a bit detached (which is a surprise to me), knowing in the world of teenagers doesnt always make a whole lot of sense anyway.
My son is 17 and he has a girlfriend who just turned 18. A delightful girl with a heart condition and multiple other frailties and yep,with a family riddled with addiction. There always is some sort of drama going on. Very little contact with an active A dad who is on the run (for never paying child support and whatever else), an A grandfather who has actively been playing a disturbing part in her life, and yes, her mother too, whom apparently has been "clean" for two years, in addition to having spent her whole life caught up in the chaos of alcoholism. My son thinks the mom is just great, because she is liberal and acts just like a teenager. She has frequently made a point of telling me she doesn't drink, and I am not passing judgement here, but I have been suspicious all along that she is under the influence of something. She also was in a bad car accident as a teen and has had back and hip reprecussions, including surgeries.
Anyhow, right now this lady (the mom) is sick. Apparently she cannot be left alone and is on anti-psychotics. The younger sister refuses to go home and thus the g/f is left to deal with it. Mom is crying, calling, texting, getting mad, acting insane. Since my son is so incredibly taken by this girl, he speaks of the problem in "we". Now I know that much is drama and my son has a tendency to elaborate, and the truth is being hidden. So, the story he knows/tells is that her brain is deteriorating and she is going insance and dying. And I really think he believes that. Personally? I think she is having withdrawls of some sort. I say if she was dying she would be in a hospital. He says she is not in a hospital because she can't afford it.
Anyhow, I would love to say that none of this is my business, but my son is so caught up, in it and angry! His dad and I are on the same page in terms of not letting him be there to "help". Sadly, he feels it is his responsibility to help make her happy and keep his g/f company. There is so much to it, including it being a co-dependent situation that he should not be in, and it certainly does not sound safe. Had diarrha and threw up last night. Complaining of bad stomach pains this morning. Still seems to be caring some about academics, but not about the extra-curricular senior stuff for he just wants to be with this girl. All this on top of a surly, rude, negative, fighting for independence attitude. Dad's g/f kicked him out for having such negative behavior and ex is now trying to rectify. I told my son that as much as I am at odds with dad sometimes and have no great love for the g/f, if his attitude there is like it is here, I completely understand why there are issues.
Would love to drag some butts to al-anon, but that is not a possibility right now. The secrecy and dysfunction is so very sick. Our immediate family has been doing pretty good. Of course, I am still plugging away at my issues, but I am detached. My exA is working a strong program and trying to step up, be involved, to be the dad he wasn't years ago.
So, here I am with a son who clearly is getting caught up in co-dependency. At this point he feels herioc and needed. Ugh. So, I am just reaching out here for support, experience, thoughts, anything...
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow... not an easy one Lou.... I guess my two cents would be that Step One is applicable to your son as well - he's literally and legally almost an adult, so it seems unlikely that you could or should be able to "control" his decisions of whether or not he wants to be with his g/f and her mom in this situation... Perhaps some boundaries are in order for what YOU really need - i.e. a commitment to his school work, % of time spent at home, etc. - whatever that may look like....
As for the codependency aspect, I'm not a believer that you can protect/persuade/forbid him from that - it is likely his to learn....
Take care T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I do think it is difficult to see someone flounder. At the same time many of us had to wait to a point of insanity to be willing to get help.
Of course you are concerned, see red flags everywhere and see all the pitfalls. He doesn't. I k now the hero role very well and I also know many men who played it till they got to the point of not being able to negotiate it.
I can't imagine a greater resource for your son when he gets to the point of seeing some of the challenges in the situation. Sitting back and waiting is not easy for any of us. I know I want to charge in, fix things and impress everyone with all my knowledge.
Focusing on my own life is always difficult. I know when I am around chaos and drama I have to take more care of myself. Detaching under such circumstances is what we build that skill for. When a situation presents itself we are ready and able.
Having lived through the teenage experience a few times I would have to agree to what Tom said above. Your son is almost an adult and will soon be making all kinds of decisions you may or may not agree with but will be powerless to stop. As far a teenage boys when they really think they are "in love" for the first time they jump in with both feet in order to keep gf happy. Which is sweet unless they are putting themselves in harms way. I am not sure I understood what all is wrong with his gf's mother. But if she is on anti psychotics ( spelling) then mentally she is struggling with something. If she was or is an A it's no wonder your son is enthralled with her. As A's stop growing emotionally around the age they start using or drinking. So in many ways she probably is like a teenager. I can tell you from experience the more you try and control your sons behavior the bigger attitude and fights you will be getting. But as long as he is a minor and living with you, you can certainly set some boundaires. As Tom suggested school work has to come first, anything he does extra curiccular is really up to him. But let him know his school work must be done before he spends time with his gf and he can have a curfew as to when he must be home. He feels his loyaty lies with his gf now and he needs to support her. Unless taken to the extreme a very nice quality for your son to have. As far as the gf maybe you can suggest she attend some alanon meetings with you it may be just what she needs. But if she doesn't accept that suggestion not much you can do...at least you have planted the seed. Teens are a breed of thier own and I've not known one who hasn't had an "attitude" in some way. Thankfully they do eventually grown out of it. If you give him the gift of making his own choices right now ( along with the boundaries ) that will stck with him forever and he will feel comfortable coming to you with issues. Blessings
ugh is right huh? My son had a serious girlfriend at that age. He spent a lot of time at their house. It wasn't a dysfunctional a familiy but they had issues.
Their son drowned at age 12, so mom, dad and sis his girlfriend were all sorta off.
Once my son was at their house, no parents home. Some gang guys were outside hasseling my son gf and their friends.
I don't remember why, probably over nothing. Teen stuff. Anyway he called me. me shaking head, I was everyones mom.
Anyway I drove over and walked right to those gang kids and gave them mom type heck. then walked right up to the house where my son came towards me with a gun as he thought they were threatening me.
I grabbed the gun and made him go back in. Then I told the gang kids to LEAVE, they did. Believe me I do not know what it is about me but kids do what I say. I honestly think they know I care and I am a mom to them all.sigh
Anyway I always supported my son and his friends. I liked his girlfriend a lot. Even with the strange parents, I never got in the middle. So when things did get really bad or they needed help, they called me.
I believe to be negative or try to stop anything makes them dig in worse. We don't want to alienate them from us. He is 17 almost an adult, I would be hoping you gave him a very good foundation to know what he is doing.
It is neat that he cares so much. I am thinking I would remind my son how great it is to help others, but to remember to take care of themselves so they don't get sick too.
At this age it is perfectly normal to fight for their independence, they are pulling away, working towards being an adult. The more we can take a breath and trust them the better. We honestly have no control anyway.
I took off to go stay in a cabin in the mountains with my best bud. My parents could have freaked. But instead they got me good boots, warm cloths, sleeping bag etc. I came home and visited and when I went back mother sent tons of food for all of us!
They trusted me. I wanted to prove I would be ok, and I was. I did not do drugs like many did, did not do the free love thing.
It is not easy to let go. My daughter was so independant at 14, she had a job and bought all her own stuff!
I sure can see what makes you concerned, don't get me wrong. However, I have a feeling fighting it, instead of just supporting him is worse.
I see sitting down and just talking, "Well son I trust you to know when you have had enough and want to come home. I trust you to make good decisions. We can only do so much for others, I am sure you will see that." etc.
Trust the foundation you helped him make.
That is my experience. I seemed to have raised most of my sons friends. They are adults now, most are doing well. sigh.....
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