The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am back to this message board almost two years later after leaving my alcoholic boyfriend for the second time. I got back together with him after he went through outpatient treatment and did AA and was sober for about a year, but he started drinking and lying to me about it again.
Well I moved out last week to the cute little apartment I moved to before, so it feels like a safe place. But I feel so lonely and isolated and he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend so I feel I have no one to talk to, and that most people who haven't been in our shoes don't understand. (Family doesn't seem to understand.) I found there are two Al-Anon meetings in my town later this week and I finally plan to go.
I just wanted to know how you all at first in your lowest, saddest point were able to get the strength to take care of yourselves and find hope for the future. I just want someone to talk to.
I know how you feel. I just left my common law husband of fifteen years. I am so lonely and sad. I have supported him in his sobriety for 9 years, most of those years he did extremely well. This last year has been a nightmare of relapse,denial and heartache. I spent the summer going to AA meetings,Al anon meetings and Roundups and came to the conclusion that I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. Alcohol and drugs will always be more important to him than me. I can't fix that. So here I am on Al Anon chat just trying to get my life and my selfesteem back. Thank you all for being here!!
Often when we've been involved with an alcoholic, we've put so much time and energy into him that we haven't cultivated a three-dimensional life for ourselves. Alcoholics are a whirlwind of chaos that sucks in everything around them.
When I contemplating splitting up with my A, I felt the way an alcoholic must feel when they think about giving up alcohol. "I'll feel so bad I just can't make it through."
This kept me from leaving for a long, long time. When I finally hit bottom and we did split up, I sure wished I had had the strength to leave many years before. I thought to myself, "If I had left then, I'd be over it and have a great life by now." That thought has kept me going many of the times I wavered in my resolve.
Life does get better -- so much better. Since you've been neglecting you for so long (as I guess), now is the time to take extra fabulous care of you. What things have you always enjoyed? Going to the movies, cooking, meeting friends in coffee shops, kittens, going to thrift shops ... ? Now's the time to support yourself by doing lots of what you love. If you're like me, you won't fully feel the fun of it right away. But gradually things will get lighter and lighter. Also work on your recovery. That is the most precious gift you can give yourself.
I came here not understanding how I could put myself in harms way time and time again. Half the time I didnt even realize I was doing it and the thought was insane to me. Learning about yourself honestly and fearlessly will help you....hang in there and glad your here :) blessings!
Hi there.... yep, it can definitely be sad and lonely, but we also must remember that this is when we are the most vulnerable to their disease.... For me - journalling was the key - writing down my thoughts/feelings daily..... both the good AND the bad....
Without this, when we have a bit of separation from our A, our minds only focus on the good, and we use 'selective memory' to forget or minimize the bad..... Journalling helped me keep an honest, fair "scorecard" of this life that I thought I was missing/longing for....
Hope that helps
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When i first found alanon I literally crawled through the doors as I was just as if not sicker than my A. Who happens to be my son. I had spent so much time and energy trying to stop or even control his addiction, I completly lost my own sense of self and idenity. Every move I made and every thought i had was about my son, i had no room in my head for anything else. And it was killing me both phsycially and mentally and thats the truth. When I got to alanon I thought it was a place to help "fix" my son...very soon to find out it was to fix me. And that made no sense at the time as I wasn't the addict. One of the first things someone talked about was "self care". Totally foriegn concept for me. My job was to take care of my son right? No that wasn't right, trying to take care of him was killing me. I fought the steps as hard as I could almost trying to prove the program worng. That it couldn't help me. Funny thing about that was as much as I was fighting the program I found myself actually working it and finding it was working for me. Thank God ! I came here at the lowest point of my life, i saw no hope for my son, I saw no hope ever for me, I saw absolutly no future at all...and i didn't even have the energy or will to care anymore. 2+ Years later my son is still an addict...I work my program with a vengence. I can't say I have found total serenity but I do feel moments of it which makes me want to work my program more so each of those serene moments last longer and longer each time. Today I can list all the things and people I am greatful for, I can laugh, have fun and feel good about it. I was about as hopeless case as there could be So if I can do it so can you ! Blessings in recovery
I definitely understand what it is to have a relationship that consumes everything. I had to hit a real low bottom before I was willing to let go.
I was incredibly lonely, sad and full of mixed emotions when I left the ex A. I missed him tremendously. What I missed was the way I thought he was. In reality when I met him he was already far along the path of addiction and had had many many bottoms which were indicators he was a solid addict.
I think this opening can be a journey to recovery for you. I know I had to get to the point where I knew what I was doing wasn't working and I was willing to do anything to get out of tremendous pain. As a result of that I have a life that is far more manageable today. The heart ache may be around for a long long time. I know the tools of al anon helped me to mediate the pain and do self care.
finding and going to meetings saved me on those bad days , go out meet new people , hear something that can make my life easier and god forbid maybe laugh a little . we tend to forget how bad things were and focus on the good times thus ending up in the same situation again and again , we are encouraged to let go of the past but sooner or later we have to sit in reality and realize it just wasnt that great .. and remember This Too Shall Pass .
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 19th of October 2010 07:47:00 PM
Thank you to ALL of you for your encouragement and wisdom. Your words are helping me get through this difficult time of loneliness. I know it was the right thing to do because I finally realized I am powerless to control his drinking, but a part of me still feels so guilty for leaving him. But we aren't married, we don't have children (only three cats, who are really mine and I took "custody" of and who are helping me through my sadness) so I feel this was the best time to start taking care of myself. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting this evening, and I instantly felt welcomed and amongst people who completely understand.
So thank you so much for listening. I wish you all the best.
