The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I first got here I was full of willfulness. When people suggested something or a skill I could master, I felt that I "should" not have to do that. I held onto the willfulness as a way to show my anger, resentment, hurt and fear. I absolutely did not want to accept the now ex AH was absolutely out of control and our life together was spinning down to a desperate point of no return. I held onto the willfulness as a way to survive. I deserved my rage, my anger and my need to have it validated.
I don't think I would have made it to the side of willingness without this board. First of all I got to witness so many other people having the courage and commitment to change. I saw them survive and move on from the impossible. I also was heard over and over again and validated. As a result of that I could move out of willfulness to willingness. I can validate my own anger now (I still have plenty of it). I don't have to capitulate to it anymore.
Wow can I identify with the "Willfulness" It was a very important day, at an alanon meeting when I found my will . It was burried under all the anger, sadness, manipulations, nicenesss, denial and pretend There is was loud and clear saying I WillNot Do Anything because I am entitled and am a victim.
That awareness really stuned me. I had always thought I was the most willing cooperative person in the world
I was very willing when it came to helping you , telling you how to run your life etc but when it came to be responsible for myself and taking charge of my actions and life I really dug in.
Showing up at meetings, sharing, getting a sponsor weremy first steps toward willingness.
Each day I check on my willingness. I read the third step do my mediation's and gratitude lists and am on my way
