The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just putting this out there so see if anyone else has encountered this.
Realized about 6 months ago that DW was drinking a bottle of wine each night and sometimes more than that. I would cringe when I heard her pour that third, fourth and fifth glass.
When she drinks she becomes confrontational and argumentative. She'll accuse me of having an affair or that nobody cares how much she does for everyone... Maybe she does this because she knows at some level that I'm codependent and will always back down or let her turn the situation around on me so that it's my issue.
I'm now realizing that she's always been like this when she drinks.
I've been to two Al Anon meetings and am reading 'Getting Them Sober' and have been trying to practice detachment. We haven't had "The Talk" yet about how her drinking is becoming a problem for me. I just want to have more tools at my disposal because I know it will probably get ugly.
I've kept my distance in the evenings when she drinks and don't take the bait when she seems to want to start an argument. It's hard for me because she can be so wonderful when she's sober and I can't stand her when she drinks. Maybe she's seeing glimpses of that or maybe she's feeling something because I'm trying hard not to be baited.
Today she asked if something was wrong. That I seemed like I was mad at her. I glossed over it (I know, manipulative) but I wasn't ready to have that conversation with her.
As soon as she said those words, I felt a tingling all down my body, my heart started pounding out of my chest, I found it difficult to move and my vision started to get contrasty like I was about to pass out. I really hated myself then. I felt like a weak wuss. I can see that because of this type of reaction, I'll always back down just to protect myself.
I really want to deal with this with her from a place of love but the physical sensations are so unpleasant that my instinct is to do whatever I must to make them go away.
I really hate this and still think that I'm crazy at times.
OK, I could go on but you all probably get the point! Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.
You have a right to say how u feel , say what u mean , mean what you say ,a nd dont be mean when u say it . speak up and let it go . have no expectations that anything will change its just important that you speak up . If you have our ODAT daily reader the page on july 14th changed my life was like a map to me on how to get my life back while allowing my husb to choose how he wanted to live his . keep going to meetings and take care of you .
I don't think you alre a "wuss" for having a physical reaction. That means you aren't numb and that's a good thing.
Don't hurry along the process. Remember the three C's, you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.
I know I hoped so many times that a significant event/talk would influence the now ex A. He put on a show that they did but he still carried on with his addiction. In al anon we have to look at our expectations before acting. Mine were always pretty rosy, the reality was far from that. I had to bring it down to a "reality" level.
Living around an active alcoholic is certainly stressful stuff. I live around them and its very difficult. I have to practice boundaries day and night. The more I practice the better I get. I also absolutely know now in my gut that I can't force anyone to stop and if anything they would resent my suggesting it.
I know when I was first in this program the ex A wanted to unearth what I was doing. I didn't disclose. I just kept on working those boundaries.
Have patience, this program does work but for some of us we have to practice a great deal before we "see" it.
Hi Steppingup Just wanted to say that what you felt is a quite NORMAL HUMAN reaction and you can be gentle with yourself when you feel this strongly .
I found that the tools of al anon helped me to speak my truth in a compassionate way. It is a process . Learning how to share at meetings, with a sponsor, working the steps finally gave me a voice and then I was able to express my thoughts and needs in my intimate relations
I can tell you my body has a very physical reaction to mental stress, too.
My heart will start pounding to the point of racing, my muscles will tense, I'll start to shake. It's like my body is doing all it can to be ready for "fight or flight' should something go on during what usually ends up only being a verbal altercation.
For me, those physical signs are definitely a show that what I'm feeling is very uncomfortable and and wreaking havoc on my body, let alone my mind.
I feel that way especially when I'm standing up for myself around angry, confrontational people - it's not an action I'm used to doing. I frankly don't always feel secure and confident in my ability to state my mind.
This, like everything, does slowly get easier with time and practice. And, I find the less overall energy I put into something, the better I'll feel.
I think it's adrenaline from the fight or flight response. You aren't a wuss, it's just a normal human reaction. You are either gonna feel that and want to retreat, OR, the other reaction that feeling will cause, is rage. I have seen the rage response first hand with my ex who was a marine with ptsd and it was not pretty.
I have felt the exact same feeling when I have been scared or in a confrontation. You can literally feel the adrenaline wash over your body.
Deep breathing helps. I'm not kidding. I started yoga several months ago, and they teach very deep breathing: In through your nose, inhale as much as you possibly can hold, and then push out as much air as you can possibly push out, also through your nose. You focus on your breath and try to literally exhale the anxiety, the tingling, the racing heart, etc.
One of the people here... I don't remember who, I'm sorry!! has a quote on their signature line, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to." That's NOT wimpy, that's just common sense!! =) In my opinion, what IS wimpy, is lying to avoid a confrontation.
Any time I have something I really need to say, and I know it's necessary, I write it out in a letter. This way I can word it carefully and make sure to get the message across that I am speaking in LOVE and a sincere desire to mend a relationship. Also keeps my anxiety from interfering with my message. Once that's been done, it's up to them what they do.
When I have similar confrontations with AH I get a huge lump in my throat - so hard it hurts. Physical reactions are perfectly normal in stressful situations. You are not crazy at all - just normal!
Keep with the programme and keep taking care of you.
I would like to give you a pat on the back. You have come a long way in a few weeks.
Your story and my story are much the same. I remember the days. I remember the egg shells that always arriverd arould 6:00 P.M. I remember saying one word that she would take out of contex and run with it. The program taught me how to take care of myself first while still with living with an active alcoholic..............And guess what?.............I looked around one day and the egg shells had disappeared never to return again. The same thing is going to happen for you.
You are "reacting" now by "not reacting" which is a form of detachment and it seems your AW has picked up on that. That's good. Sometimes a change in us brings on a change in them. Reguardless, your getting better and that's what matters, I'm very proud of you. It only gets better!!
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 18th of October 2010 05:20:13 PM
I would like to give you a pat on the back. You have come a long way in a few weeks.
Your story and my story are much the same. I remember the days. I remember the egg shells that always arriverd arould 6:00 P.M. I remember saying one word that she would take out of contex and run with it. The program taught me how to take care of myself first while still with living with an active alcoholic..............And guess what?.............I looked around one day and the egg shells had disappeared never to return again. The same thing is going to happen for you.
You are "reacting" now by "not reacting" which is a form of detachment and it seems your AW has picked up on that. That's good. Sometimes a change in us brings on a change in them. Reguardless, your getting better and that's what matters, I'm very proud of you. It only gets better!!
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 18th of October 2010 05:20:13 PM
Thank you so much RLC! Yup, the eggshells get laid out around 6:00 every night and after that anything I say or do can trigger a confrontation. Just trying to keep the Three Cs in mind.
You got some excellent replies but I just wanted to share what I feel sometimes, too. It's all adrenaline. I get weak legs, pounding in my head and chest, sometimes my hips actually ache, and I get indigestion and nausea. It's like the 'fight or flight' response has taken over and you know you want to run away but you have to stay and confront.
I, too, want to get to the point of 'reacting' by 'not reacting'. I feel so off and I feel like I've put a lot of tension in our relationship by doing so. My dh has actually told me that he's intimidated by my going to counseling because he's afraid that I'll become more independent and that I won't need him(he said this in a true moment of honesty, he doesn't act like this day in and day out cause if he did, I wouldn't be on these boards, LOL).
Like everyone else has said, it's a normal physiological response to stress -- your body's alarm system is ringing bells.
I got so attuned to it that I could actually feel my adrenaline start to rise, and my whole body would feel like a 33 rpm record playing on 78 (anyone else old enough to understand that metaphor? lol), heart racing, shaky, the works. If the stress continued I would get muscle spasms in my hands, and they would seize up, become numb and curl inward.
Knowing that it was purely a stress reaction and that I had to do something to manage that stress was part of what opened my mind to Al-Anon -- to accepting the responsibility to do something for my own benefit.
Just last week I had a chance to see how much I have changed, when my recovering ABF and I had a brief conversation about him drinking. He mentioned that he has a long work deadline this week and in the past he's said that having a long deadline can trigger him to relapse because his disease tells him he has free time to drink. I didn't say anything -- didn't rise to the bait. After a pause, he reminded me that long deadlines have been times that he's relapsed in the past. Before Al-Anon, I would have immediately jumped into Fixer mode, suggesting ways he could occupy his time and asking what he was going to do if he felt the urge to drink. However, after repeating in my own head "I am powerless -- I have no control", all I said aloud was a noncommital "Mmm-hmmm". He made another comment about drinking and I replied (in a playful tone), "Okay, what do you want me to say?" He said, "I want you to say 'Don't drink'!" I just chuckled and said that after all this time he knew my position on him drinking, and I didn't see any need to repeat myself. And then we went on to a different topic of conversation.
Before Al-Anon, that talk would have instantly triggered a whole lot of worrying about the possibility of relapse, but I made a very conscious decision to leave his recovery up to him and turn him over to his HP.
No stress, no anxiety.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Thank you Canadianguy. That's an excellent exercise that I will definitely implement. I've read so many of those wonderful techniques on this board I wish someone would make a sticky of them!
Ythannah, I look forward to the day when I can be as in tune with what is ACTUALLY being said in a conversation and respond accordingly. And I loved your analogy of the 33rpm record playing on 78! Yup I'm old enough to remember!
