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I am 41 and the oldest of three girls, our mom suffered a brain aneurysm about 3 months ago. She was in ICU for 19 days and in intermediate care for another 7 days. She is very lucky to be here with us today. She owns two taverns and I quit my job when she suffered her aneurysm. I stayed at the hospital with her 5 days at a time. My sister would come and give me a 24-36 hour break and then I would be back at the hospital. After she got to go home, I stayed with her at her house until she was able to walk on her own and could stay alone. I still go to her house and pick her up everyday and take her to the taverns to do the daily bookkeeping, I take her to doctor appointments, therapy, the store, or where ever she needs to go. I have completely put my life on hold and made my husband and children do without so that I could help my mom with her recovery. We had a fundraiser for her today and she drank 5 glasses of wine, a shot and at least 2 beers. She insisted on having more and I finally stood up to her and would not allow it. If someone gave her a drink, I took it away. I'm an LPN and she has been going around telling people to never have a daughter that is a nurse. When I heard that she was telling people this, it crushed me. She also said that she is done with me because I would not let her have another drink. She made me giver her house key back to her. She is high risk for having a stroke for six months after her aneurysm and she is currently take blood pressure medicine. I don't want to help her anymore because she doesn't think about anyone but herself, and I don't want to stand by and watch her kill herself. But I feel guilty, she is my mom. I feel like it is my job to help her. I really couldn't afford to quit my job, but I didn't have a choice. She needed me. My nerves are shot and I don't know how to handle this, I am so stressed out. Does anyone have any advise?
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, wisdom, strength and humor (good for the ).
I am so sorry so you are going through this. It is the most difficult thing in the world to watch the people we love drink themselves to death. It is an overwhelming sense of hoplessness and helplessness we feel. I've been there with my late husband.
As a nurse you know the harsh reality is that we can't make our loved ones get sober. It is not our job. It doesn't mean that we don't love them. I loved my Tim with every part of me. At some point though we have to start taking care of ourselves.
Recovery means taking back our lives. It's means living the life we so richly deserve, and living strong regardless if our loved ones seek sobriety or not. We can't die with them. It doesn't mean that you have to abandon them. It means you take care of you first.
Please look into some local face to face meetings. They will be very helpful for you. You will learn how to make decisions that are in the best interest of you and your family. You will learn to detach with love. Please keep coming back to us. Never keep up hope. There is always hope. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The disease of alcoholism is mind boggling. An alcoholic will drink even if it means putting their own health and life in jeapardy. I would guess that your Mom is saying hurtful things so she can be alone with her disease. If you aren't there attempting to stop her, she is free to do as she wishes. She will find a way to drink with or without your intervention. The bottom line is that you can't control it. Coming to a place where you can accept that you can't be responsible for regulating it is part of what Alanon is about. We just can't carry that burden nor do we have that kind of power over another persons actions. The Alanon program is a simple program, yet sometimes difficult to grasp.
Step 1:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable.
It sounds like you are seeing that is unmanageable. Powerlessness is the realization that we can't change or cure their disease. You may give yourself permission to quit running yourself ragged at any time. Peace will come with acceptance. Please seek an Alanon meeting in your area. We also have meetings in our MIP chatroom (link/times at top of page).
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Sunday 17th of October 2010 08:18:35 AM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Crushed hi and thank you for your post. You sure are in the right place :) and glad you have found your way here. I am sorry you are going thru this with your mom. Thru alanon you will find a new understanding and coping skills to deal with these situations that has led you to probaby everything being unmanagable for you :) Her mean remarks to you are typical of a person with an addiction, becasue you are getting in the way of her doing what she wants. I know you want to save her , after all she is your mom, but you cant. I wasnt too happy to hear that upon arrival myself. Addiction engulfs a person and as addicted as she is, you may be as addicted to her. It sorta works that way. I would suggest getting to some meetings and we have them on line as well. Read as much as you can about alcholism and you will find the answers you are looking for thru alanon....please keep coming back...ty and glad your here Crushed !!
-- Edited by DreamXL on Monday 18th of October 2010 07:58:19 AM
Hello and welcome Sorry you are going through this with your mother, and I truly hope and urge you to find an alanon meeting in your area. I know how crushed you feel that your mother has essenitally "turned on you". But once you gain knowledge of this disease and how it works you will understand that your mom will crush anyone who gets in the way of her and her drinking. Although she is putting her life on the line here.... read some of the posts here or listen in meetings and you will here the same story over and over. Nothing but nothing comes before the persons addiction, not thier health, not their family, not thier job absolutly nothing. And you will learn how to separate the person from the disease. When your mother turned on you please know that, that was her disease talking. I came here looking to "fix" my son, only to find out he is the only one who can fix himself, I however if he chooses to go on with his addiction do not have to go down on the ship with him. I have learned to accept him as he is and my love for him is unwavering but we are powerless to help or fix anyone else as much as we feel it is our job to do so. Also know that your mother loves you as much as her disease will allow. It is a very selfish disease and it takes no prisoners. So please help yourself and find an alanon meeting or at least join us here on line where we have meetings twice a day. Your mom is going to do as she pleases...now it is time to put the focus back on you and your family. Blessings in your recovery and please keep us updated
What you did for your Mother was wonderful, especially when you put your own life and family on hold without any appreciation from your Mother.
I was wondering thru the years as a teen if she drank and if you attended alateen or as an adult have ever attended Alanon.
My own Mom fell and fractured both arms while we were on vacation in Italy and she had to have surgery, I had to feed, bath, etc, do everything for her and she too turned on me and she doesn't drink. So I think its a combination of the drinking and the other of being vulnerable and having to depend on us.
All that aside this disease is cunning , baffling and lethal.
My XAH has been a drinker all his life and has come close to death many times, his last adventure happened 4 months ago, where he ruptured his esophagus, had many ulcers. He almost bled to death and it took 10 pints of blood to get him stable and that took over 48 hours to do that. There was a 10% chance of him dying. Anyway, I thought that this would finally be his bottom. Not a chance, he has been back to drinking 2 months after almost dying.
Alanon will help in the letting go of your Mom's disease of alcoholism. Its what we have to learn to do, for our own sanity and serenity. Its not easy, but we practice, one day at at time. Wishing you courage, Luv, Bettina
run dont walk to the nearest Al-Anon meeting you need support ,there is nothing you can do about your mom and her drinking , we didnt cause the problem , we cant cure it and we cant stop it .. the hardest part of this program for me was Allowing them the dignity to live or die the way they choose . I was told that even an alcoholic had a right to choose . As for her telling you she is done with you , well tomorrow she will call and not remember saying it and wonder why your upset = go figure . This is a disease and it is running her life at the moment . Love her and detach emotionally from her behavior accept who she is and your life will get alot easier . Louise
Here in alanon we have a tool we call "detach with love". It's a way to accept that we cannot change other people, and that we have a right to protect ourselves, while still loving them.
It is so hard to watch someone you love drink herself to death. Imagine the fear and pain that makes her choose to drink when she knows that it is killing her - she would rather die than take that step to put down the bottle.
Please show yourself the same compassion and love you are showing her, and take as much care of yourself as you do of her.
Aloha Crushed...I pray you follow the suggestion of getting to a face to face meeting of the Al-Anon Family Groups. The hotline number in in the white pages of your local telephone book. The program meets in locations around the planet so you are not alone by any sense and there is a chair waiting for you even as you come here to read at MIP. Many of us are part of that membership. Trust it like I did. It saved my life. (((((hugs)))))
I have a neighbor who had a similar condition. She went blind and has many disabiities as a result. She continues to smoke despite all that!
Anyone who took such radical action to help their mother would be devastated by the kind of treatment you have had. Ironically enough for so many of us, helping the alcoholic sometimes means taking our hands off even when we are compelled to do otherwise. If you have a chance, get a hold of the book Getting them Sober (a free one is offered at the top of this page).
Alcoholics live in crisis and chaos and so many of us think our job is to dive in and "fix" everything. We go without, we extend ourselves so far that we feel depleted, angry, resentful and lost.
Al anon can certainly help you find your way back to normality (a normality that includes an alcoholic very ill mother). There are tools in al anon that are incredibly useful when you are faced with impossible situations like you are. There are many many people on this board who have traveled through absolutely mind crushing situations. They are able to work a program, spring back and let go.
Here you will find great experience, hope, wisdom, strength and humor (good for the 
). 
