The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is not really caring how things turn out. I have learned so much lately. I have always thought in black and white and been very uncomfortable with gray. I like to have a plan and know what is going on with other people and what is coming at me. Unfortunately, life doesn't play that way. Lately, I have been dating a man that I originally had no attraction to and he's growing on me. He's kind and sweet and treats me well but if he walked away tomorrow I wouldn't be devestated. I'm not that vested. I'm not gaga over him. Before if I wasn't gaga on the first date I never went on a second. It was either off or on. Now I am seeing him and have a few other irons in the fire too. I have no expectations. I decided the bliss was not worth the despair and maybe just more good than bad is a better alternative. Just like my life with the AH UPPPPP and DOWNNNNNN my love life followed this. I was ALL IN or ALL OUT. Never so so or in the gray or not really sure what this is we are doing..... It makes me uncomfortable but my new motto is... do what makes you uncomfortable until it doesn't anymore. Do what you fear. So here I am and I have to say... this is the happiest I have been with my life in a VERY long time.
This is most definetely a HUGE secret key to the program. No expectations means, you are working on you and focused on you, not them. It also indicates that you are staying in the present -now- and not projecting, speculating and jumping ahead of reality.
Control is a huge issue for us and yet we are so out of control when we land. It truly feels as if I am gaining self mastery at moments lol. But my tension can allow me to snap, take the bait and fight back... relaxing, stretching, meditating/praying has allowed me to change faster too. More flexibility in my mind, means I can have more flexibility in other areas of my life.
I love the acronym for FEAR - Future Events Aren't Real. I know as an ACoA myself, with having no boundaries, I had absolutely no concept of what respect was. Growing up my mother stole for fun (its actually a symptom of ADHD! ~ insanity and chaos! lol).
So when I began dating after a hiatus and getting my own attention, I implemented boundaries with dating. It made it easier, really. I didnt have to go all gaga - I could be reserved and wait and see what kind of a date this was, and then what kind of a person. If a boundary got tripped, there was no way I was seeing/dating them again. Early on my only boundary was - not an Addict/Alcoholic. It took a few months of me, practising putting me first and loving me first and respecting this boundary of mine (bc dont get me wrong, I enjoyed drinking and back then, I partied a lot). But fun is one thing and I had my red flags out everywhere, for people that prioritized drinking, and those that could not follow through on what they said -and- people who could hear no, resepct that and go on, continuing to not attempt to control or change me (ie, they were focused on themselves and healthy in their own lives). I also made a huge effort as a codie tag on, let me help you, call you sort of gal - I had to stop initiating contact with men. That has changed the dynamic of my life in so many ways... it really works.
If someone wants to tell me something, the will. I do not have to police or check up on others (if I were a mom, that would be different) as a single person. This has allowed me to focus on me - more clearly as well. Plus chasing down men, is emasculating it turns out, they like to initiate and when they are ready, you cant hardly stop them!
These are the guidelines, I have used to implement (define, establish, clearly set, and follow through when they get tripped) - without hesitation or emotional response the consequences I set for myself. Following thru has taught me - self esteem, self respect, loving detachment in action, respect for others -and- even patience, faith... miracles.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'm so glad your life is less dramatic. My own ESH is that all relationships triggered abandonment issues with me. The nice guys equally to the bad guys. So if I were in a relaitonship I was always obsessed with that issue cloaked by the relaitonship. I had to come to grips with the past before I could contemplate a future. I know I can as Kitty says "forgive myself in action" about that. Havinb abandonment issues is certainly not anything I chose to have.
I am far more cautious these days who I bring into my life. As abandonment ruled me before that was the core issue for me so there wasn't an element of having the space to be aware or cautious. I would do absolutely anything to avoid the immense pain and collapse from the abandonment pains I suffered.
I'm not sure if I ever will have a relationship again for many reasons. I am hoping that being at the place of not "needing" one (which I practice) will give me the opportunity to have one if something comes along.
I think I am at the same place. After 9 years with my A boyfriend who is now over 1 year sober but suffering ill health due his many years of drinking I am finally comfortable with me. He is looking at what he needs to do to get himself on a liver transplant list. I am leaving it all up to him to decide. I am doing things with my life now so that life will be fine with or without him. I have my son, my baby granddaughter, a job I like, my new house nearer to the city with less maintenance required, and I am studying on-line to become a certified home stager. A sideline passion which will allow me opportunity for more income, a way to keep active and in contact with people. I don't mean to sound harsh because I still very much love my A boyfriend and will stand by him. But life will and can go on whatever happens.
