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I've posted on here over the past few months about how my dh was sober for 15 years and how I allowed us to start drinking wine, not realizing it would lead to him hiding and drinking gin and drinking while traveling for work, etc.
Anyway, I started counseling but can't find a meeting that works with our schedule yet. So, I've been just working with the counselor. Dh and I again decided he wouldn't drink and he made a commitment to me. I believed him, but I found another empty bottle of gin yesterday hidden in my knitting box, LOL!
Part of the problem is that he keeps telling me that he's very aware of how much he's drinking, that he doesn't feel the need to do it every night, that he's able to stop and switch to water, that he feels he's an adult and can control his behavior. I've finally decided that I can't stop him. If he wants to drink, then so be it. No more fighting him on it, no more snooping(I wasn't snooping when I found the empty bottle, I was looking for some craft supplies), etc. He claims he knew he had a problem with alcohol but doesn't admit to being an alcoholic, so to speak. So, I've decided that I'll let time be the judge of that. My counselor told me that I need to set some boundaries, though. Like, if his behavior gets out of control, if he drives drunk, if he has an outburst, etc then I need to make it clear that I will not tolerate this behavior and that he will know in advance that my move will be to take our son and I will leave. Again, I have to learn not to be a doormat and not to be a caring enabler. I can't fix him, I can't make him stop drinking, and I can't convince him otherwise. Wish me luck!
BEST of luck to you!!! You sound confident and strong, ready to step up!!
Just wondering... since I haven't gotten into counseling or set boundaries yet..... does your counselor recommend the boundary for leaving being, your husband drives drunk, period, OR he drives drunk with you or your son? Trying right now to figure out what sensible boundaries are for my relationship.
Again, great job on the boundaries and the counseling, and good luck!! =) =)
Here's wishing you luck but it looks like you won't need it! It sounds like your head and your priorities are in exactly the right place. Please keep sharing!
In my experience, my abf seems to THINK he has control over his drinking, but I know he does not. Lies and covering up come with this territory. I have decided, like you, that I am no longer snooping, and am working on not questioning him, not being passive agressive, not enabling in anyway. It seems that when I am feeling happy and detached from his disease, that I actually do feel a lot better and I have more serenity. It works if you work it. Keep coming back!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I spoke too soon. I've been harboring resentment and got defensive about a completely different topic and he blew up at me. He said he's tired of being told he's abusive and he left the room in a hurry, wouldn't even talk to me, and went to hide in his office.
UGH, when will I ever learn? I guess it's all practice with boundaries, right?
Alcoholics need to be manipulative to survive with this disease. Often times they say they are not alcoholic without even knowing what alcoholism is other than a moral degeneration. That will happen however alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body spirit and emotions which is progressive and can only be arrested by total abstinence and never cured. If not arrested it will progress into insanity and/or death. I use to be sooooo smart and "I" wasn't alcoholic...my wife was but not "ME". Truth be told I had no idea what the disease of alcoholism even was and neither did anyone else in my family even though the family is riddled with alcoholics. It's just if you say alcoholic in a family gathering of mine you can clear the room in a microsecond and send aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers and most other relative scrambling into the hedges or looking for a firearm to shoot the heathen you shouted it. Getting their feelings hurt and fleeing the scene of the statement is a manipulation. If it can scare you enough and make you feel responsible enough you'll come running in to sooth his hurt feelings and he might or might not need to drink over it.
Cunning, Powerful and Baffling is used to describe this disease and from my long experience it is all of that and more.
You are as allowed to have your thoughts, feelings and behaviors as the alcoholic is...that is what is called justice. Let the disease one up you with your own help and it can also kill you after driving you crazier.
Be convinced he is alcoholic because his drinking affects you and let him try to convince himself of whatever else he needs to keep up the wall of denial. We are not perfect...we are about progress on a daily basis. Keep hanging around MIP and Al-Anon and get weller whether he continues to drink or not.
I was soooo not alcoholic that it took 5 years of NOT drinking before the yellowish greenish jaundice look went away. Please God be gentle with this man...he is still only a child. (((((hugs)))))
