Still Hanging onto... - Al-Anon Family Group

Ginger90 · Veteran Member

Still Hanging onto...

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, as a daughter to my parents, who had to let go of me at that age, I would have gone nuts if my parents were trying to do just what you are saying.

What I have learned from Alanon is that I have to let go and let God (HP) take care of my A. I can't control him by telling him what I think he should be doing, or what I think is best for him. I can't change him. I can't cure him. He is his own person, just as I am my own person.

I think of what its like when others try to give me advice and if I don't take their advice, how mad they get at me. Its something that a mom has to do, let their child become an adult. I know, I have a 13 year old and an 8 year old. I know that one day I might be in your shoes, but I can tell you that if my parents tried to coerce me into what they thought I should be doing at that age, I would have done the exact opposite. Also, I am learning to let go of my Abf and his battles. I am learning to let him do his side of the street, and I am cleaning up my side... Its so hard to detach with love, and to let go, but it is starting to happen, little by little....

I am 35 now. I know my parents probably wanted different things for my life, but they except me for who I am, and love me and cherish their grand kids. I am thankful that they are not always trying to change me. That is one great thing they have done for me, letting me be me. That is what detachment is all about. In peace, and many blessings! Take care of you :)

tlcate · Senior Member

Sorry this is going to be blunt - but running out the door.

When someone is trying to control me and take away my freedom I want to spend less time with them and what they have seems less attractive. I seem to be hyper-sensitive to these issues compared to most, but I still feel that it is probably true to some extent for most.

This is from VERY recent experience and as much as I loved them I cut them from my life completely.

I am going to live my life the way I want. Those that accept me and love me for who I am tend to get more effort from me to please them and what they have seems more attractive. I care what they think and feel because they obviously love me and accept me. I LISTEN to them because I know they are not trying to control me but have my best interest in mind - but I still make my own decisions with their experience and love in the mix. I accept help from these people where I don't from folks trying to control me. When I am imprisoned by someone else's will all I want to do is escape.

Sorry if that hurts. Just my experience.

Tricia

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Ginger...this is what I call practice time.   I can practice the old stuff that didn't
work or the new stuff that the program had and was teaching me which gives me
better spiritual, emotional, mental and behavioral outcomes.   Choice time!! In
choice time I get to fight the only personality I need to fight...mine. I get to go
up against old ideas that never worked before for me or others...mine. I want the
world to do what I think the world should do and see it as I see it.   I told my wife
this morning that "what if" we all woke up in the morning and plugged our brains
into the same computer program...we'd all be in sync. She didn't like the idea
and after a few seconds I didn't either. Why won't I accept others for exactly who
they are (the definition of love) without condition and allow them their own choices
and experiences...it's how I came along. I attempt to force my own value systems
on others while at the same time knowing my experiences are that I've not followed
that value system perfectly myself.

My 18 year old grand-daughter and now my eldest son and family are out there doing
their "thing"...It's not my "thing" and I don't participate for fear and awareness that
I will relapse back into the hell I lived in when trying to fix the alcoholic.   The program
taught me and I will constantly practice..."Turning it Over"..."Letting go - Letting God."
I am not God.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Ginger,

You should let your daughter know what your feelings are, but she is 18 years old and needs to know the consequences of her actions. She needs to learn from her own actions and we all need to learn to let go. Its a difficult lesson to learn.

I didnt have the chance to fully raise my daughter, she was abducted when she was 6 by her Father in 1974 as he wanted custody and accused me of many lies. It took me 6 years to find her and when I did she was literally brainwashed against me, I fought and fought to recover our relationship, she would send me hate mail, after a 6 year search and a painful reunion, I suffered a miscarriage, ended up almost dying and was severely depressed. I came home and really thought about this battle between me and my daughter. The only person I was destroying was me. I knew I had to do something different. What was that? Let Go , Let Go was the answer. Thats exactly what I did. My daughter did seek me out 12 years later. It was a long journey, but worth it. Thru those years , I did send her cards and letters to let her know I was there for her. Other people may dissapoint your children, but one thing will never change, we will always be their Mother, nothing will change that.

So Ginger let go and know there is a plan for your daughter and you are her Mother, so there is a plan for you too.

Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 12th of October 2010 02:23:43 PM

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 12th of October 2010 02:27:05 PM

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Ginger

Forgive me if I am wrong on this but I don't remember you ever saying that your daughter was an A so i am going on the assumption that she is not.
Here is my experiece with my oldest child, my beautiful daughter she is not an A. All her life we talked about her goals and aspirations. She is an incredibly gifted writer so we always talked about her being a writer. In her first couple years of college she worked as a writer for a local newpaper and was Editor and Chief of the college news paper. Then she took a break from school ( much to my dismay) she was an adult, i couldn't "make" her go to school so I accpeted that she was going to work full time and let it go knowing in my heart she would go back when she was ready. Well after a few years she was ready, I was elated. Then came the curve ball. She no longer wanted to be a writer, she wanted to be a teacher. All I could see was this wonderful gift from God she was given to be a writer and she was throwing away our dream. Notice I wrote the word "our" not her dream. I was devestated, tried to talk her out of it, tried to get her to remember being a writer was her life long dream.
Well dreams change....hers did. She had worked her way through college also being a tutor and really felt that was her calling. I was so disappointed and let her know it. It created a rift between us. I did a lot of soul searching and who was I to tell her what her dream was. As she matured her dreams changed, who was I to stand in her way. I am her mom it's my job to support her dream whatever it is. And I told her she will make a wonderful teacher (and she will) and she knows she has a gift of writing so once I told her I supported her dream she let me know she was minoring in communications. But as long as I downplayed her dream she was going to withold information from me that writing was still a passion for her and she still intended to pursue it in the future when she was ready.
I had to get out of the mode that she was a child and needed me to guide her. She was/is quite the opposite. She's a grown adult able to make her own informed decisions.
Your daughter although still young is an adult and this is where we as parents have to let them fly. It is what we have worked towards all thier lives, for our children that become responsible adults.
As hard as it may be try and be on your daughters side... if she believes you are on her side she will turn to you in times of joy or times of trouble. My daughter didn't always make the best decisions in boyfriends but as long as she was never in danger than she had to find out for herself what she wants or doesnt want in a relationship. I stay out of it.
Enjoy whatever time you spend with your daughter without worrying about her future right now. She appears to be content when or if she becomes disconted she will let you know as long as she doesn't feel she is going to get the "told ya so" or something like that.
I know how incredibly hard it is to let them go and make thier own mistakes...my son is an A and letting him go and giving him over to HP is the hardest most painful thing I've ever done and I have to do it everyday even though I know he has his own dreams too yet keeps sabotaging ever making those dreams come true. Each time he sabbotages himself a little piece of me dies but he too must find his way and when he is ready for recovery his own dreams may change completely.
Blessings to you

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