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I got a letter from my brother this weekend. I'm very frustrated about some of the things he said.
1) He's blaming his behavior on medication, NOT alcohol. He said when you mix it with alcohol, its a double whammy, but never directly says alcohol was the problem.
2) Says that my dad and me need to watch what we say around his PO and/or around the police. He said that some of my dads comments in a police report were the cause of his PO issuing a warrant for parole violation. Never says alcohol was the reason hes back in jail.
3) Said he wasnt taking his anti-depressants any more because the side effects out weighed the benefits. The first time he was sent back to jail for drinking, he said it was because he hadnt taken taking anti-depressants in over 4 months because the jail didnt give them to him, and he was self-medicating. He said it wasnt him because he hadnt taken his meds.
All this tells me is that he hasnt hit bottom. He hasnt accepted the fact that alcohol is the root of all his problems. Do I bring this to his attention, or just leave it for him to figure out?
I have found that bringing their attention to their shortcomings with alcohol, doesn't go well for me. I may mention it, if it comes up in converstion, but then I move on. It doesn't sound like he is ready to admit that alcohol is a problem for him yet. Until they are ready to admit to alcohol being a problem and are ready to deal with it, there is really nothing you can do except to work the steps of Alanon for you. Peace.
I agree his attitude is disheatening but not ususual for the disease of alcoholism.
He is in jail and probably has access to program and meetings while there
Rather than get provoked into a destructive argument regarding how he sees things, I think offering a constructive solution might help .
I was always told let AA deliver the message The alcoholic cannot hear it from family.
Suggesting that he might find some help and relief from prison life by joining AA and sharing his thoughts. It also might help when he is up for release.
Remember to keep the focus on you and use alanon tools to keep the focus on your recovery
In my experience, "telling an alcoholic they are acting like an alcoholic" is pretty much an exercise in futility.... He wants to engage you right now, and wants that fight, so that you can stay "stuck" with him there, so he doesn't have to change a darn thing.... One of the things that was taught to me, and tended to work (if only by allowing me to NOT get back involved) was to say something like "ahh, I see", and then be done with it (on my weaker moments I may have said something sarcastic like "I guess you have got it figured out")....
There is no black and white answer, but it does seem to me that you are doing what my sponsor corrected in me over & over again - you are expecting a sick and irrational person to behave in healthy and rational ways..... His addiction is winning that battle...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have to agree with everyone here. In my experience, my A does not listen to me when I say "the drinking is your problem", and I become passive agressive too. I am learning to keep my focus on me and not engage. I think talking about the weather or mundane things is better than trying to point out that the alcohol is the problem. That said, I too falter a lot and say mean things. I am learning... Practice....
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
My AH USED to admit he was an alcoholic. But then he cut himself off his anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs...he now blames EVERYTHING he did while drinking on the meds. He claims NOT to be an alcoholic and says he never was...he was just under the influence of the meds.
There is some upcoming research that says that anti-depressants and benzos CAN increase the alcoholic cravings for alcohol. However, I have not read any evidence that says it can actually CAUSE the alcoholism. My AH wants to blame everything on the meds and not the alcoholic and has in fact started drinking again.
I understand how totally frustrating this must be for you. I feel like I am back at square one with my AH. At least before he tried to stay away from the booze.
Remember we cannot control it. What good would it do to say anything? We don't have to respond to insanity uno.
Again, for you, focus on you. Maybe I am so glad he is now in a place he is safer.I can rest up.
How would he know the truth. Number one he is sick, number two, he has not had any education on addiction.
I hope he gets into AA where he is, if they have it available. If you can send him books, pamphlets, that is what i would do. He may get bored enough to look at them. Does not mean you are telling him he is A. Could be you are just supporting him to educated himself to make sure he is not....uno?
There is such prejudice against A's. Who would want to admit they are one? And the work, wow the effort it would take, especiallly if they are one, to live with that!
I believe in giving them the dignity to figure it out for themselves. Who is he arguing with? Then he is trying to control things he cannot.
It is all A behavior.
Myself I used to change the subject to my A's work. He loved work, he was a remodel contractor. Talk to him about making a deck off the south of the house, putting in yet another slider. His disease was never a subject I cared to talk about after I came to MIP.
I have nothing to do with his disease.
What are they feeding you in there? Can you have books to read? What is your day like? I am....share you.
What his disease does is his own path that we have NO control over.
I had a friend who had AIDS back in the past. He never told me, though I am sure he knew I knew. We never spoke of it. He was S and I loved him as my friend. We walked our dogs, he showed me the beautiful old house he was redoing. had cool taste.
I could do NOTHING to stop the disease. But I could just love him, talk about HIM. His last words on earth, in the hospital, when he was dieing were, "oh here is the pig lady!" gads 15 years ago and that brought tears.
(I love and did pig rescue) We took him back to his home from the hospital to help him with his dieing ourselves. About 7 of us I think. I whispered to him, "i bet you never new I loved you this much."
seemed like a week, I think it was only one or two nights. Anyway I never mentioned his disease. never.
I think we all want to be seen for who we are, not the disease, or pain or whatever. To take the focus off our loved ones disease, frees them up to talk about other things. Puts that part of their life where it belongs, in their own hands.
NO one to share it with it is honestly not fun for the disease. It makes the person totally responsible.
anyway for YOUR sake and his, Al Anon tools are what we do best to gather up, and use.
Why bother? He hasn't reached his bottom, and only HP knows when that will be. I wouldn't have dad lie to PO, not would I lie.
I tried to advise the A's in my life too...it just left me awake all night trying to think of different was to tell them they were messed up...Left me pretty messed up.
It's been a hard path for me to learn what's my responsibility and what's not.
I've ultimately learned that if the problems that are happening are truly NOT MINE (ie: I'm not the one with a drinking problem, I'm not the one in trouble with the law), and my advice has not been solicited by said person, then it's none of my business to tell the person who IS having said problems what to do with themselves.
I have learned the hard way such interference only enables the sick person and also continues to keep me sick, too.
The Detachment handout is a great one. If Al-Anon has any set of instructions as far as how to interact with our A's, it's in that handout... I post it here frequently, but I'll post it again because I don't think I can overdo being reminded about how detachment works:
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN: Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery Not to do for others what they can do for themselves Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit Not to cover up for anothers mistakes or misdeeds Not to create a crisis Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
NCSU, In my experience, telling an alcoholic something they don't want to hear or aren't ready to hear doesn't end well. Their disease is cunning and powerful and will do anything to protect itself. Chances are he may very well know that alcohol is the problem, but just isn't ready to face it.
Getting him to see that alcohol is a problem for him is not your responsibility. Taking care of you is our responsibility. And taking care of you is the best thing you can do for you and him.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hi there, I agree with everyone here...it's useless telling him he's an alcoholic. It's sounds like he's very much in denial. It's up to him to come to that realization - and, that won't happen until he's ready to admit it, no matter what you or anyone else says.
And, the blame game is CLASSIC alcoholic behavior. Don't take it personally and try not to let it frustrate you - it's the disease. Try to see it for what it really is. You're dealing with someone who is very sick - rational behavior is non-existent.
