The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, Currantly I have a Sponser, and how it came about, she was at my very 1st meeting, and one of the 1st to confront me, ESH me, Comfort me, and after about a year, I mentioned being ready (I thought ) for a Sponser, and she happily accepted....
SO, before this her & I kept phone contact, usually weekly, once in a while we would, do a dinner, or something like a movie with friends... But we kept pretty close contact on a regular basis. Phone calls were always in the evenning after she got off and the chance for conversation seemed to be between 7-9pm... Not a Very big window really...
And SInce she accepted... For me it all changed... this I don't understand... The phone calls have slowed to about Nil.... She works long hours, don't have internet, don't have a cell phone, is only off 2 days a week, (of course one of those i work, & the other being my family time), And I can't seem to schedule my issues for the late evenning hours, and feel more validation on my "Issues" HERE, but the contact we once had, seems to have been lost, and the things that we once could talk about, someone how, we lost as well... Truly something IN ME changed...
I don't understand it, its like... Me asking her to sponser me almost drove a wedge between us, I don't know if it is because "Now" our relationship now feels like an "Obligation" or if there is just nothing that we have in common that we can now relate too...I'm married, she's not, I have a child, she don't, my father was an A... Her's drank sometimes, it just seemed easier to be friends...
I know growing up in an Alcoholic home, I would always jump in and try to "Please" someone, and I don't know if that also may have something to do with it, did I ask because i thought it would "Please" her, or because it was for ME... I don't know, i can't figure it out, but I know it is not how I thought it would be... And Maybe that is it too, maybe "My" Expectations had something to do with it...I Just feel Selfish, Uncomfortable, about all of it...
I know she has the "Experience" to be my Sponser, this week will be 24 years she has been in program, so I don't doubt at all that she has been there done this, but it is like a switch went off for me when she became more then just my friend....
Now however... I know that I need to speak to her about this, but at the same time, I feel like I am being "Selfish" by saying... "I think I made a Mistake"... I just don't know how to handle this, or What or Why it don't appear to be working for me... I don't know if it is just "Me" and my commitment to her, or the fact that I feel she was "More" there for me when I was just a "Friend in Recovery"... I have prayed on it, and thought on it long & hard, and I can't put my finger on "How to handle it"
Do I just keep "Pretending" like its me... N this too shall pass!!! Do I accept that it just wasn't meant to be, and stress over how I just made her Feel... I just worry that if I do tell her, That "I" May slowly back away from the program, and then loose all the way around.... I just don't know how to look at, handle, or accept that I am at a loss... And tho I don't want to tarnish anything with her, I just don't see where I am moving in ANY kinda forward motion at this point, I am Stagnent... And Don't know what to do!!!
It seems to me that I did better when I didn't have a sponser, and used the boards here, and my F2F meetings, and did my "homework" in the "blue print" books...and now I just feel STUCK!!!
Why do I feel so bad about this, why can't i just openly say.. This isn't working and I don't know how to fix it...
In the beginning, she got me all the lit. for doing my 4th step, and wrote a couple things down for me to help me move forward, and after she handed me the info, it was like she too lost interest... Maybe she was telling me, "Ok here ya go, do it and get back to me!" I don't know... I just don't know how to say what I am Feeling about it, due to the fact that I can't figure the feeling out myself, so how do I explain it...
If you have been here, please share how you got thru, I am just at a loss on how to handle this, because I don't like to hurt others, and this hurts me, just knowing that could be the out come...
It sounds as if many things are going on at the same time. it is not unusualto change and outgrow a sponsors. When we are new to program we do need a certain type of sponsor and as we progress the type of sponsering may need to change.
i have always found that i could not mix friendship and sponsoring in the same pool. i could have lunch or dinner with sponsees and discuss issue and program but i did not permit that to bounce over into friendship of gossiping. movies etc
I felt the relationship to precious to dilute ii have sponsees who have never married or had children and sponsees who ar too young to even have started a life we can still connect on al anon issues and program
Please know you made a good choice when you started in program and you benefited from the relationship. You can tell her that. You can tell her how much program you have learned and the success you have achieved together and then you can put the issues on the table regarding going forward.
it is in alanon and alanon relationships that i really learned to take care of me and take the risks necessary to validate my needs . Say what you mean, mean what you say and do not say it mean . It works
Keep coming here because this is wher i grow as well
